Our daughter is pushing three years old. She’s adorable. Loves to talk. Makes us burst with joy when she smiles. Amazes us with her knowledge and understanding. Delights us when she gets silly, or cuddly, or serious, or excited.
Everything about her life right now is in HD.
Everything.
But along with her near-threeness has come something else. Something not so pleasant.
She is a demanding, moody, often inconsolable bundle of very intense emotions. She’s manipulative. And sneaky. She’s blatantly disobedient, testing every boundary and crack she can find in the little world we have created for her. She is fearless. And flippant. And sassy. And in the middle of my frustration she always cocks her head a little, looks at me and asks curiously, “Is Mommy happy?”
And there are moments where
I.
Can’t.
Take it.
There are moments where I lose it. Where I yell (read: scream). Where I get in her face and explain angrily why we don’t run out in the road when Mommy is calling your name twelve times. Moments where I throw her scattered toys in a box and stuff them in the closet. Moments where I rip the crayons from her hand, shove my finger in her face, and firmly demand that she never NEVER color on the wall again. (and then take all of her crayons away)
I get so ugly and distorted and angry at this little person. And to the same degree that I want her to understand loving discipline and learn to accept the words ‘no,’ ‘not right now,’ and ‘stop’ without melting down into a dramatic tantrum on the floor, it also breaks my heart into a bagillion pieces when I lose my cool with her. It tears me up. And I apologize. And I explain why I yelled. Or why I freaked out in the middle of the parking lot when she nearly killed herself. And I explain why obeying in the little things is important so she will learn to obey in the big things.
But its often too late.
The damage is already done.
The tears are already escalating. The look of fear is already in her eyes. The sobs are already saying, “I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry mommy!”
And I feel like the world’s number one mom.
A few nights ago, I had a moment like this. Several moments, actually.  And by the time she went to bed, I was done.
I was done yelling. I was done fighting. I was done being angry and exasperated. I was done.
Something needed to change, and clearly it was me.
That night I had to admit that so much of what causes my anger at her is myself. Is my selfishness. I am working on something, so leave me alone. I don’t want to have a party. I don’t want to get out of my chair to fix you breakfast. I don’t want to go outside so you can ride your bike. I am busy. I am running behind and you are making it worse. I am comfortable. I don’t want you to repeat your demand one. more. time.
I know that I cannot control her little heart.  I cannot control the part of her that was wired to test and manipulate and rebel and disobey. That stuff has to be trained out of her. Loved out of her. Prayed out of her.  The fact is, my episodes of madness are just not working.
No, I cannot control her. But what I can control is myself. What I can control are my own emotions. And my own reactions.  And the situations that we get ourselves into in the first place.
What’s a mom to do? She’s not going to college anytime soon. So I guess I’m stuck in this. I guess we’ve gotta work this out. And while I have some ideas and some plans, it’s going to take an act of God for me to implement them consistently and patiently and lovingly.
Which I guess is why I’m writing this post.
Because she’s not even three yet.
I know that I have an uphill battle ahead of me.
I know that this stage is as incredibly wonderful as it is incredibly frustrating.
I know that as a mom, I want to guide her to make right choices while at the same time not breaking the beautiful, vibrant spirit that she has in her.
And I need to know that I’m not alone.
Wow. You are SO not alone. I struggle with this daily and fail daily. But it starts with awareness and I desire to love them better. Thanks for your authenticity.
Thank you, Melanie. I’ve been overwhelmed by the support and responses. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… but I still hate it! It makes me dread 13… already! 🙂
I have a 5 year old and I completely relate! When he was 3 it was the worst, he got easier as time went on and is an amazing yyoung man, who still sometime goes through testing periods. I just had an nother child who is now 8 months, and man was that an adjustment. However i was finding my self get so infuri7ated over trivial things, 5 year old things. Not listening, qyestioning everything. I
would just get outraged. I knew i was over reacting, but i had no idea how to contain myself.
Then my mom told me that she had gone to tge doctor because my dad was making her so upset over the smallest things, and the doctor put her on depression medication.
I decided to go to and see what the doctor saidwhen i explained how i was feeling and she did the same thing!
Im now taking Zoloft and i feel amazing. I can talk and feel calm when im in a hurry, i dont have that crazy feeling inside like im goung to explode. Its weird i never would have seen myself as a depressed person, but i guess depression can come out in a lot of forms.
I feel so free now, and i feel like a nice mom again. Its amazing.
Rachelle, wow! That is crazy. I’m with you. I never would have thought of that, but it makes complete sense. I know “depression” is a broad spectrum and I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of moms experience depressions symptoms at some point. I’m so glad it is helping with that crazy feeling! Maybe more of us moms need to take our craziness a little more seriously and see if it’s not something that can be “helped.” Thank you so much for sharing!
Hi, are we twins? I was bawling reading this. My son is 3 and I feel like I’m reaching a new level of insane every passing day. I was crying, in bed at the end of the day which happens too much these days and my husband asked me, “what happened? Was he really bad today?” Bad? Yeah, but he’s 3!!! Really no different from any other day. I realize exactly what you said, it’s not as much my crazy three year old as it is ME. I build up a lot of anger as the days go on. Giving giving giving, never getting to do one thing I would like to. Not even having 5 minutes of peace to shower. ETC. anyway…I would like to know your plan because anything I’ve tried doesn’t help much. The only thing I can think is that I need a real vacation. DAYS where I don’t have to be responsible for these little people. Feel human. Feel beautiful. Spend quality time with my husband. All Selfish things! 😉
Oh, Kendra! You made me laugh, because just the other night I was trying to shower while the Pickle was downstairs with daddy. She came all the way up to “find” me. I told her she could either go back downstairs or sit on the floor in the bathroom (not play… just sit). She chose to sit on the floor while I showered instead of playing downstairs! UGH! No peace. I am totally with you. I guess my “plan” is to do less. I know that sounds crazy, but I am a “doer.” I constantly have some project going or some task that needs accomplished, which results in me getting easily annoyed at this little shadow. I’ve found that (much like with a dog) if I’m intentional about taking time to interact with her and help her participate throughout the day, then getting “my time” is a little easier. I also have to be more disciplined with my time. Doing “my” work when she is napping or sleeping. I have to be organized or I could spend hours upon hours working on one project (and being interrupted a gazillion times). And I really have to accept the fact that there will be meltdowns as I teach her to entertain herself. But as a mom, I’ve just GOT to keep my cool and be firm, knowing that in the big picture, her learning to accept “no” is just as important as me learning to say “no” in a calm manner. I will always have my moments, though. And it’s been SO comforting to know that I’m not alone! That helps me take a deep breath more than anything! YOU ARE NOT ALONE, KENDRA!!!
Needed this right now. Tonight before I left to run an errand my daughter went potty in the little potty and because I was running behind and even a little lazy, I left it and decided to empty it when we got home. But when we got home, I forgot- she had to potty again so she decided to pick up the potty and bring it into the office where I was trying to chat with a friend about some work, to which I freaked out and traced the pee back across the house screaming at her. I hated myself in that moment. It was MY fault, not hers. I should’ve cleaned it up, I should’ve listened to her the first time she mentioned having to go potty. But I didn’t. I yelled at her, and threw the potty in the laundry room telling her we were done using the little potty. And I think what Kendra wrote above is so true. I just sat and cried because I don’t even know why I am crying, except that I feel overwhelmed with never having a minute to myself. It builds and builds and unfortunately my 3 year old gets the scream when she does something that would usually only warrant a time-out. I am so patient 90% of the time, but that other 10% when I am being selfish or lazy is just a reflection of myself I don’t like seeing.
Stephanie I so glad to see you over here! We have all been there…this motherhood gig is not easy…and it tests us all the time.
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Howdy this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering
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from someone with experience. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
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Could you please prolong them a little from next time?
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