Our daughter is pushing three years old. She’s adorable. Loves to talk. Makes us burst with joy when she smiles. Amazes us with her knowledge and understanding. Delights us when she gets silly, or cuddly, or serious, or excited.
Everything about her life right now is in HD.
Everything.
But along with her near-threeness has come something else. Something not so pleasant.
She is a demanding, moody, often inconsolable bundle of very intense emotions. She’s manipulative. And sneaky. She’s blatantly disobedient, testing every boundary and crack she can find in the little world we have created for her. She is fearless. And flippant. And sassy. And in the middle of my frustration she always cocks her head a little, looks at me and asks curiously, “Is Mommy happy?”
And there are moments where
I.
Can’t.
Take it.
There are moments where I lose it. Where I yell (read: scream). Where I get in her face and explain angrily why we don’t run out in the road when Mommy is calling your name twelve times. Moments where I throw her scattered toys in a box and stuff them in the closet. Moments where I rip the crayons from her hand, shove my finger in her face, and firmly demand that she never NEVER color on the wall again. (and then take all of her crayons away)
I get so ugly and distorted and angry at this little person. And to the same degree that I want her to understand loving discipline and learn to accept the words ‘no,’ ‘not right now,’ and ‘stop’ without melting down into a dramatic tantrum on the floor, it also breaks my heart into a bagillion pieces when I lose my cool with her. It tears me up. And I apologize. And I explain why I yelled. Or why I freaked out in the middle of the parking lot when she nearly killed herself. And I explain why obeying in the little things is important so she will learn to obey in the big things.
But its often too late.
The damage is already done.
The tears are already escalating. The look of fear is already in her eyes. The sobs are already saying, “I’m sorry mommy, I’m sorry mommy!”
And I feel like the world’s number one mom.
A few nights ago, I had a moment like this. Several moments, actually.  And by the time she went to bed, I was done.
I was done yelling. I was done fighting. I was done being angry and exasperated. I was done.
Something needed to change, and clearly it was me.
That night I had to admit that so much of what causes my anger at her is myself. Is my selfishness. I am working on something, so leave me alone. I don’t want to have a party. I don’t want to get out of my chair to fix you breakfast. I don’t want to go outside so you can ride your bike. I am busy. I am running behind and you are making it worse. I am comfortable. I don’t want you to repeat your demand one. more. time.
I know that I cannot control her little heart.  I cannot control the part of her that was wired to test and manipulate and rebel and disobey. That stuff has to be trained out of her. Loved out of her. Prayed out of her.  The fact is, my episodes of madness are just not working.
No, I cannot control her. But what I can control is myself. What I can control are my own emotions. And my own reactions.  And the situations that we get ourselves into in the first place.
What’s a mom to do? She’s not going to college anytime soon. So I guess I’m stuck in this. I guess we’ve gotta work this out. And while I have some ideas and some plans, it’s going to take an act of God for me to implement them consistently and patiently and lovingly.
Which I guess is why I’m writing this post.
Because she’s not even three yet.
I know that I have an uphill battle ahead of me.
I know that this stage is as incredibly wonderful as it is incredibly frustrating.
I know that as a mom, I want to guide her to make right choices while at the same time not breaking the beautiful, vibrant spirit that she has in her.
And I need to know that I’m not alone.
You are not alone. And if it’s any consolation, three was the worst age for two of my kids. It gradually got better after that, but I have had my share of hands-in-the-air moments. I still have them from time to time, they just come less frequently. Hang in there. It does get better.
Thank you! I’ve heard that three is tough…. I just didn’t know it would be THIS tough!
You most definitely are not alone! I could have written this post myself! My daughter will be 2 1/2 next week & oh my gosh, I feel like I am on the edge of a mental breakdown pretty much every day. I talk about how I miss her when I’m at work, then she pushes me to my limits when we get home in the evening & I find myself counting down the minutes until bed time. No, you are not alone!
I count down the minutes until bedtime, and then we spend the entire time screaming and crying at each other!!! Ugh… some days are better than others. But yes… on the edge of a breakdown every day. So glad to know I’m not the only one!
You are not alone. 🙂 My son is two and a half and I completely understand. When I get down to the bottom of it, you words ring so true. It’s not anything he is doing, it’s that it’s not lining up with what I want to do. Definitely something I want to work on as well! I’ve found the book Unglued by Lya Terkerst to be helpful but I definitely need to read it again! 🙂 thank you for sharing! This was especially helpful tonight after a LONG day with my guy. 😀
I haven’t read “Unglued” yet, but just finished another Lysa Terkeurst book, and she is AMAZING! So relatable, and yet so convicting! I can only imagine that whatever she writes is just as good!
I am right there with you Jenny and love that you’ve put all of your thoughts and feelings into words! I often times find myself lost with what to say or do when he is acting out. I try to remember though that I’m not alone and this too shall pass. And then, when he does something really sweet, “Yuww head huwt mama?” “Yes Ashton Boy, it does.” “I kiss it. Make it aww bettuww.” and he kisses my head, I remind myself, that with the help of my husband, I am raising a really sweet, stubborn, handsome, loving little boy and it’s all going to be okay, no matter what,
Oh my gosh, you just described my Jonathan! He’s the most sweet kid, but SO stubborn!
What brings me a little peace is…this too shall pass. Although it may take 15 years for it to pass, it will : ) These first years are laying the foundation for the next 80…so in the grand scheme of things, a few years of a crazy, self-centered, sassy little one should be easy – right?
As someone who fails at this mom thing daily, I can assure you…you are not alone. And I just love you. Let’s be friends. 🙂
I can totally relate to the selfishness part! I find myself getting most frustrated at them when I am least available to them. I saw a quote the other day that has changed the way I relate to them (most of the time) in a big way: Be the kind of mom you want your kids to remember. Even though I think the person intended this to mean: Be a fun mom! I thought deeper into it, and realized that I want my kids to remember be not as a tyrant when they disobeyed, but a gracious mother, using those moments to teach them, and leaning on God’s grace for me to not act out in my own selfishness at the interruption. Because when I act in my anger, I’m no different than my three year-old throwing a tantrum on the floor. Really humbling.
Oh you are soooo not alone! You know this! You have met my child! My mom says that “they are all perfectly behaved three year olds!” That they were made to act like that!
You are doing everything right. We all lose it. Even my saint of a mom lost it!
You are not alone!! I have 4 children, ages 5, 4, 2 and 1. When one goes, they all go and some days I can’t do anything but turn on a movie for them and hide in a corner so that I don’t say or do something foolish that hurts them out of my own inadequacy. Kids are tough! WAY tougher than I ever thought. My husband drove long haul trucking for the past two years until this past summer and being home all day every day for weeks on end pretty much sucked every bit of joy out of motherhood for awhile but like with everything, there is a season. I had to change my attitude and embrace each of their own seasons as well as my own. My season is mama. Their seasons are full of curiosity and willing to do just about anything to try and be more “grown up.” It REALLY hit home the other day for me when I realized I was playing and laughing with my kids and I was enjoying being on their level! My 5 year old gave me a big hug and said, “Mama, I am glad I get to be your kid.”
Great perspective, Hannah! Thank you. I know her world is completely different than mine. Often I forget to allow time and space for that (in my own busy schedule). But it’s a good reminder that I need to embrace HER season. Thank you!