Oh, mom guilt. You pop up everywhere. No matter what we do, you find a way to make us feel like we are failing in one way or another. We try. Lord, how we try. But we just can’t seem to outrun you.
Everyone has things for which they put unwarranted pressure on themselves. For me, the guilt equates to the things I want to do better. It’s what fuels my resolutions, goals, never-ending to-do lists, and cyclical inner monologue. It’s the drive to be happier, healthier, more productive, and more present.
As parents, we are always putting the needs of our families above our own.
That constant sacrifice is part of our nature, yet it does not leave us feeling or functioning at our best. As a stay-at-home mom, that need to feel accomplished can be even more pressing. Let’s face it; it’s a pretty thankless job. We are giving constantly, but rarely do we see immediate rewards. We’re encouraged to take “me time.” We know that we need to be our best selves before we can give our best to others as well. We know we can’t do it all, we know that no matter what we do or say, we can’t please everyone. Yet we still feel the guilt.
I’m probably on the extreme side of things, but I find taking “me time” a challenge. When I trained for a triathlon I was getting healthier, but I felt badly about being out of the house for so long on certain days. I go out on much needed nights out with friends, but not before asking my husband a million times if he’s sure he’s okay doing bed/bath duty solo.
I’ve also always felt this innate sense of financial guilt. It doesn’t matter that we made the joint decision long before having kids that I’d stay home, that we lived off one salary for years in preparation for this stage, or that I do in fact bring in cash with the side jobs I take on. It doesn’t matter that I’m a writer, an educator, and a full-time caregiver — I still feel guilty spending excess money on myself. I don’t want a mom salary; if you’re wondering, here’s the going rate these days. However, I needed to come up with a way to reconcile this guilt while also achieving my goals (aka other guilt inducers).
We all know how our children thrive on positive reinforcement and how a simple incentive system can really motivate them to accomplish tasks. What you might not realize is that adults can benefit too. So, I went back to my first grade life when we earned popcorn kernels for good behavior and lost them for bad and came up with this basic grown-up reward system:
- I narrowed my goals and focused on tangible things I have control over. I earn kernels for exercising, cooking healthy meals, making time for writing, reading books, completing to-do list items, limiting social media use, putting my phone away when I’m with others, and going to bed before 10:30pm. I’m not going to lie; I also earn kernels for every washed/folded/put away load of laundry and bathroom cleaned! Each item has a specific point value depending on the time commitment and difficulty level. I lose kernels when I don’t do these things, and that social media goal is certainly taking a hit on my weekly totals!
- I cash in my kernels (to myself, lol) for things I’d feel guilty spending money on. My biggies are massages (even though mine tend to be more of a medical, structural necessity, I still feel guilty and indulgent). I’m saving up for a road bike I’ve been eyeing. Basically, I use my earnings towards anything that I don’t truly need. Additionally, because of my silly guilt, I also put some of it towards the kids’ school tuitions and extracurriculars.
I must emphasize that my husband thinks I’m a total dork, as you probably do too now. This is 100% my own doing; he would gladly let me buy a bike or get a massage if I said I needed it. He trusts me and knows I’m practical, I research everything, seek out amazing deals, and truthfully am overly frugal in his eyes! But it has worked! I’m doing the “good” things more and being way more productive. I’m breaking bad habits, though some die harder than others. It’s always a work in progress! Most importantly, I am finding myself feeling less guilty about what I’m not doing and taking pride in the areas in which I’m improving. I’m earning and enjoying those rewards.
As a side benefit, my son has picked up on it and he thinks it’s cool that I have to work to earn my rewards too.
