I’ll be the first to confess…I don’t take much time for myself.
Ever.
For whatever reason, despite my history of athletics & half marathons, working out doesn’t have the draw that it used to now that I have a child (and another on the way). I’ve never been a spa and manicure kind of girl, so when I daydream about a day to myself, that doesn’t even make the list. And while much of my pre-child life consisted of sitting at Starbucks, sipping a hot beverage, spending hours reading, or studying Chinese, or planning lessons…right now if you sat me at Starbucks for an afternoon, I’d probably be on Facebook wasting my precious time away.
No. I don’t take much time for me. Not in big chunks anyways. For the past 3 1/2 years our life rhythm has been lacking, to say the least. No two days are alike. No two weeks are alike. Thus, finding a routine or a rhythm in which to carve out time for exercise or reading or sipping lattes without the child present is non-existent. Call me lazy. Call my priorities messed up. Whatever. It’s hard to find time and space for me in this crazy life we’re building.
But…that said. I’m not completely deprived of Mommy time. And I’m definitely not some unselfish saint who gives myself and ALL of my time wholly and generously to my family. The truth is, thanks to my lack of consistent Mommy-time, I actually become really hard to be around. I don’t even like myself when I get in one of those ‘moods.’ Which I guess is why I make Mommy-time a priority, even if it doesn’t seem to truly exist.
Huh? you ask.
It’s like this: I don’t take an hour to go exercise every day. I don’t spend my Saturday mornings at a coffee shop with a book. I don’t steal away once a week for a girls night out (once a month…maybe). Instead, what I do is snag precious me-moments throughout the day.
I try hard to wake up before the kid so I can read or check email or write…even if it’s just a few minutes. I make a point in the car to keep the distractions to a minimum – no TV or phone. Maybe some of her kid songs on the radio. But for the most part, our commutes together are full of peace and quiet before the next event of the day. Heck, I even see my job as a Mother’s Day Out teacher as “doing something for myself.” I get to exercise my teaching skills while she and I get some much-needed space. And the truth is.. I love her more when she’s walking down the hall with her hands neatly behind her back and she throws her head in my door quickly to say, “Hi Mommy!” then prances off to be directed, entertained, and disciplined by someone else.
On days when we don’t go to school, it’s a little trickier. But we manage! When I can get her distracted, I’ll slip into my bedroom and just lay there for a few minutes. To breathe. Or think. Or close my eyes. Sometimes I’ll take a picnic blanket out to the swingset and sprawl out under a perfect blue sky. She swings. I lay still and let the wind blow across my face and watch the leaves flutter. Occasionally I’ll set her up with some playdough while I get on my sewing machine and set my creative spirit free for an afternoon. Or I’ll steal away for an hour on a Saturday…not for a pedicure or a coffee…but simply to buy groceries. All. By. Myself.
I don’t have big moments. I don’t have a Mommy-time routine or schedule. But when I feel the world clutching its fingers around my neck, it’s nice to know that I can steal away, if but for a moment. I can turn my heart and my mind towards something else just long enough to gain some perspective. And then return to my crazy life a little bit refreshed.
It’s these little moments that get me through the day. Through the week. Sometimes through a whole month! Until I can finally carve out time – a big, real chunk of time – for myself. Or for a date. Or for a visit to Grandma’s so I can breathe.
Making time for me is not my strongest suit, and I could definitely do better. But I do try hard to not let myself get completely wasted and burnt out before screaming at my husband to take the baby so I can go find myself.
Instead, I find myself in precious, frequent moments…all day long.
