Are You Having More Children?

There it is. The most common question my husband and I are asked. It creeps up in the grocery line. The church pew. The playgroups. The total strangers in the Target restroom. The “are you having any more children?” inquiry. Or, in East Tennessee terms, “Y’all havin’ any more?”

There is a certain ache that motherhood brings, both when you know the answer to that question and when you simply do not. Some mothers inherently know an instant answer, and others are still searching. The ache came last weekend for me, when I dropped off a car seat at the recycling center. My oldest has graduated to a booster and our middle child needed a new seat as well. The car seat was the first front facing one we purchased, it was now expired and riddled with stains, no matter how many times I took off that cover to wash it. It was the one that our oldest sat in traveling to our first beach trip as a family. The one that they fell asleep in on the way home from Christmas dinner at my grandmother’s home. But, you know motherhood has done a number on you when you watch that seat in your rear-view mirror as you drive away, then do a silent ugly cry while drowning this passing with a giant sweet tea.

It is the same feeling when you post a listing of your glass bottles on Craigslist.

Or place tiny onesies in a box in your attic labeled, “Baby Clothes.”

When you take down that crib, that has been standing tall for almost seven years, with tiny teeth markings on the railings, not sure if or when it will rest in that corner of the bedroom again.

Or bring out several books that they begged you to read when they were little and knew every word, and now they have no idea what you are talking about.

Having one child, three children, five children, however many you have, there is always a transition that comes. It sneaks up on you silently, and then one day you look around and realize that everyone is mobile, we are (almost!) all potty trained, and those ladies in the produce section pat your thirty-something self on the back and say, “It’s about time for another one!”

Is it? Is it “time” for another?

I get stuck in the “in-between.” How can it be that one minute you glance around your happy home and think “I would love one more!” to the very next minute silently proclaiming, “Please help me, Jesus. My soul’s in your hands.” (Those thoughts occur around bedtime hours. Anyone else with me?)

But sometimes you are waiting on that answer. And it is an answer you cannot control.

Maybe it is those two pink lines you have been waiting so long to see.

Maybe it is the phone call from the adoption agency.

Maybe it is a conversation you are terrified to bring up with your spouse because your house is a wreck and you are barely making it mentally day to day but yet that ache still persists.

But today? For today, let’s focus on the ones that are here and keep praying about the ones yet to come. Those tiny dresses from not so long ago bring tears, but so will the prom dresses of tomorrow. Each new season brings new bittersweet moments. They need you.

So. Are we having more children? I do not have an answer to that question just yet. Just do not ask me before bedtime.