A huge part of me is always seeking peace. I’m pursuing predictability — both externally and inside my mind. I want things to go smoothly and be without conflict. I want people around me to be content.
I’ve realized that, as a mother, I try to create this environment by exerting control. I plan our daily life with schedules, task lists, and calendars. While this planning is not inherently bad (in fact I know it is a system in which my children thrive), the issue becomes when my perfectly laid plans don’t go the way I imagined.
I create a vivid expectation of how things should go.
It isn’t necessarily that I’m not adaptable, it is just that I have such a clear picture of how it will be. This is true for general things, like what parenting will be like, and for more specific things such as how a family outing will go or how my children will react to a surprise.
Rarely do things live up to the peaceful image I have generated in my mind.
The delicious meal I have prepared goes untouched by my five-year-old son. The activity that I planned for the day goes undone because my daughter was asked for a play date. My dream of having family meals every night can’t come to fruition because we have soccer practice every day. The way I thought I would discipline and teach my children doesn’t work for my highly emotional child.
Unfortunately, my reaction to these interruptions is often to double down on my effort to turn the calm image in my mind into reality. I start trying to wedge actions and emotions in this box I’ve created. Pushing the people around me so they will conform to my expectations. As I continue to try to control these situations, I always end up making things worse. While trying to seek the peace I desire so deeply, I end up creating more chaos.
In a sermon not at all related to this topic, my pastor asked the question, “What if stability isn’t the goal?” I’ve been dwelling on that question for a long time now. What if the peace I’m constantly chasing isn’t the goal? What if calm and lack of chaos isn’t the gold standard for how things should be?
Perhaps there isn’t exactly a goal at all for how things should be. Maybe things just are the way they are. I’ve been asking myself a lot lately: how do I lean into what is happening right now? How do I try not to control this? How can I let this be and not fight against it?
I believe I will be much more content in life if I can stop wishing for real life to line up with the ideals I’ve created in my mind.
I’m challenging myself to let go of control.
I want to notice the needs and moods of my children, and work with them instead of trying to force them into a scenario I’ve created that doesn’t actually fit the moment.
I want to accept the truth that life is busy and not let that feel like a burden. And if it truly feels too hard, I want to evaluate the busyness and determine how to choose what is right for our family.
I want to recognize that not every season will be filled with nightly family dinners or inside jokes between my kids or big hugs. Some seasons our family will be pulled in multiple directions or be filled with disagreements and tears.
I want to see the chaos of childhood — the loud voices, constant movement, mess, and imperfection — and sit in the middle of it with a heart full of joy instead of fighting against it.
Life is just not predictable. Instead of craving constant harmony, I’m going to aim to embrace whatever season our family is in. To slow down. To notice. And to simply let it be.
