If you’ve got a thirteen-year-old at home, you know from personal experience that they can be mean. Full of sarcasm and always ready to make a joke at someone’s expense, all while making very questionable fashion choices. Middle-school behavior can really be a head-scratcher sometimes. As both a middle school teacher and the parent of a middle schooler, I decided to try to de-mystify some of the mean thirteen attitude by trying to investigate what is going on behind it.
I asked 100 thirteen-year-olds what they think is the most difficult thing about being this age, and I asked them what they wish more adults knew. They came up with a wide variety of insightful responses, but these categories were the major trends.
Feeling sad about no longer being a child
Many students are longing for the freedom that high school will bring – more independence from their parents along with the ability to operate a motor vehicle. However, I was surprised that many of them were regretting the loss of their childhood years. Many middle-schoolers think back fondly to their elementary days when they had recess out on the playground and visited the library to read picture books. Reminiscing on the “good old days” is apparently not just a pastime for adults. My students get so excited when I bring up cultural references from their childhood (anyone remember Daniel Tiger or Sophia the First?), and they are not ashamed to sing along to songs they remember from their preschool years (think “Herman the Worm” or the Gummy Bear song). It may be helpful as a parent to lean into this nostalgia sometimes. Take a walk down memory lane by looking at old photos, pulling old bedtime stories off of the shelf, or blasting Disney songs in the car on the way to sports practice. Your thirteen-year-old might make a face, but I bet they’ll secretly enjoy it.
Stressed by overwhelmingly full schedules
Many of our kids lead very busy lives, and they rarely have an extended amount of time to relax until summer arrives.
This is what a few of my students had to say about it:
- “The hardest thing about being 13 years old is how full our schedules are; whether it’s sports, homework, or other extracurriculars, there never seems to be enough free time in the afternoon.”
- “I’ve noticed that I get much more homework than I did last year or in elementary, and sometimes, it’s overwhelming. I feel like I’m too emotional sometimes, or some days I just don’t want to eat or do anything. I know it’s not something wrong with me, it’s just hard for me to get through. Going through this new phase is exciting, but there are lows.”
- “I wish that more adults knew that when they feel stressed about work, we feel the same way about school. Middle school can be as hard and stressful as their job and I think adults don’t understand that.”
Though it may have been completely unintentional, many parents have become mini-cruise directors, over-scheduling every hour of every day to include activities. Summer break will be here before we know it, but in the meantime, many kids are feeling burnt out by the lack of truly free, unstructured time. If you find that your family event calendar this time of year is looking especially full, try to find activities that can be nixed to create some space. Prioritize giving your middle schooler at least an hour of nothing-in-particular-to-do time each day, otherwise they might be at risk of staying up late at night trying to squeeze in their downtime when they should really be sleeping.
Grappling with intense emotions
Being a thirteen-year-old comes with a lot of brand new emotions. Those childish temper tantrums that they had as toddlers slowly transform into subtle eye rolls and door-slamming. Dealing with an adolescent attitude can leave you feeling drained.
Here’s what my students had to say about the emotional roller coaster they’re stuck riding:
- “Sometimes we just wanna be in our room by ourselves. It does not mean that we’re mad at you. It just means that maybe we want alone time or time to decompress about something.”
- “The hardest thing about being a 13 year old is that whenever I am frustrated, I tend to sound like I have an attitude on accident. I don’t mean to sound disrespectful, but sometimes I’m just tired and not having the best day.”
Sometimes the attitude might be fueled by anxiety:
- “The hardest thing about being 13 years old is that you never know what other people are thinking…You never know if people laugh at you behind your back or find you weird. You’re scared if everything is a joke and you have no real friends.”
- “We shouldn’t be expected to be happy all the time, or get everything done on time…Just understand that we are trying our hardest, but not everyone’s perfect.”
- “I wish adults knew that what it is like to be a middle school student is that it is stressful and sometimes hard to be NOT stressed, also that it is not a crime to be moody and tired.”
If you’re dealing with some thirteen-year-old attitude under your roof, rest assured that your kid isn’t a terrible person. The emotions they’re experiencing are totally normal, and there’s usually a really good reason that they’re acting the way that they are (they just might not want to share that reason with you).
Technology
- “Another thing I think is hard at this age is getting off my phone because I am on it so much. I try to get off of it but most of the time it’s really hard for me to get up and do other things besides that.”
- “I wish adults knew how hard it is to be in middle school. I know that they were in middle school but that was before everyone got social media. I’m not saying you guys are old, it’s just a different experience.”
- “The hardest thing is…dealing with AI all the time, because you can barely tell if AI is real or fake.”
- “I wish more adults knew how much of a workload some of the classes give us. In a lot of classes we get 3-5 assignments a day. Which I know doesn’t seem like a lot, but when it’s two pages of a Google doc to fill out, it’s difficult…Some of my teachers don’t even teach anything! They make the students learn by themselves, and knowing kids around this age, they are bound to misunderstand.”
The bottom line is that many thirteen-year-olds are using technology all day/every day, whether that’s by choice or because they’re at school. Scheduling some intentional screen breaks for your middle schooler at home could be a great way to help them de-stress!
