If there’s one thing a pregnant belly seems to say to people, it must be “Give me unsolicited advice!” I think we can all agree that it gets old really quickly. Everyone seems to know what is best for you and your baby, and even your husband and other children. It’s so easy to tune all those people out and just do the whole parenting thing exactly how you want, but some of that advice is actually solid gold. I’ve been a Mom for almost 14 years now. I’ve been given A LOT of advice. Most of the time I have ignored it, but there are just a few pieces that I polished to a shine and carry with me.
“It takes a village to raise a child.”
Before having kids, I always wondered if that was true, and now that I am a Mom, I know that it is. It DOES take a team of caring individuals to raise children. I’ve been lucky to have a husband who is an amazing and involved father to our children, as well as two sets of very loving Grandparents. Then there’s a whole slew of Aunts, Uncles, Older Cousins and Friends who are more family than friend. Our village is even larger still because of the coaches, teachers and organizational leaders that my kids spend their time with. Find your village, no matter how large or small, and let them help you in any way they can. Your kids will benefit more than you can even envision and so will you.
“It’s their journey.”
One of my really wise mom friends told me this one day. She was speaking about some choices her son was making and how she disagreed, but there was really no harm in letting him choose his own course. The more I thought about this, the more sense it made. Although when they are little children feel almost like an extension of us, they aren’t. They are their own people and it’s their life to live. I have kept this in mind as my kids have grown and I’ve let go of the reins and let them make more and more of their own choices. I don’t nag about clothing choices, or cleaning bedrooms, or grades in school (even though I want to). I’m not saying that we don’t have rules (no skimpy or offensive clothing, you have to have a clean bedroom to have a friend over, etc.); I’m just saying that I don’t say, “Why don’t you wear your pretty dress instead of those hoodies EVERYDAY?” even though I want to. I try to let my kids lead their own lives, but it’s not always easy. My son so badly wants to play tackle football. I am worried about concussions. But at the end of the day, I can be the one to offer him the opportunity to live out his high school dream or I can deny that until he’s legally allowed to decide for himself and by then it’s too late and I have crushed his dreams. So I said yes, despite wanting to say no. It’s scary, but so is life. Any one of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow. So today, we have to LIVE OUR LIVES, whether we are adults or kids.
“Apologize to your kids when you lose your cool.”
I know we’ve all been there: you have just one nerve left…and your kids just stomp right on it until you explode. It’s almost glorious for that tiny second. Your kids calms right down and there’s blessed silence, but then they look at you like you’re a scary monster or a crazy person and they aren’t sure if it’s safe to be around you anymore. And then Mom guilt sets in. You can stew in silence and feel bad for hours or days — meanwhile they’ve likely forgotten it — or you can take a breath, and say, “I’m sorry guys. I’ve had a bad day and I didn’t mean to snap at you.” Children are amazing. They will take that apology at face value and will say it’s ok and then you can all go on with your day. Everyone will feel better after the apology, but man does it ever make your Mom guilt ease up!
“Mom and Dad should always be a united front.”
At some point, we all screw up at this parenting thing. There will come a time when one of you will make a rule or settle an argument in an odd way or say something that the other doesn’t agree with. And it’s ok not to always agree, but support each other enough to just stay quiet until you can talk it out together and alone. I’m not saying that you have to pretend that you are always happy and you never disagree when in front of your kids. In fact, I think it’s healthy for my kids to watch their Dad and me have a fight that ends in us figuring it out. They are learning that confrontation and disagreements happen, but you still treat that person with respect and work through it. When it comes to parenting though, if you let them, kids will all play one parent against the other. It’s human nature to figure out how to get what you want; it’s their brains teaching them how to be successful. I just don’t think that should come from learning how to play their parents, so you have to nip that thought in the bud.
“Remember that your kids are not you.”
I won’t lie to you; this one has been very hard for me to stick to, because it IS hard to not expect my kids to act like I did as a kid and to want to do things the way I did. But they are not me and your kids are not you, and they are growing up in a completely different decade than we did too. The world is a different place and they can only react to it as it is now, and not what it once was. Give them a little grace and believe that they are doing the best job at being a kid in 2020 as you did in the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s, etc.
