Being a parent is a goal for many men and women. Seeing the number of babies born each year makes it seem like an easy task, a part of life if you will. We know how babies are made, we understand the specifics of carrying a baby and frankly teenagers can do it, so surely an adult can, right?
Sadly, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Not to mention, pregnancy loss after the first trimester, still birth, infant death and infertility.
Unfortunately, some of my close friends, relatives and I myself have experienced loss. Between the five of us, eight babies have been lost. Eight babies who never got a chance. Eight babies that we had no control over how their lives would end. And eight babies that will never know how loved they are.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never heard a nervous ultrasound tech say, “Let me get the doctor.”
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had the lab call to tell you that your HCG levels are indicative of a miscarriage.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to decide between letting your body miscarry in excruciating pain or choosing a surgical procedure to remove the baby.
If you’ve never lost a baby, and you have never chosen the surgical route to remove the baby, you will never receive a medical bill with the words “Elective Abortion” typed so very neatly with a pretty dollar sign after it.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never entered a hospital pregnant and walked out empty-handed.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never held your baby as it took its last breath.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to walk into a room that was meant to be a nursery and cry.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you never had to choose which tiny casket your baby will spend forever in.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to wonder what that baby may be like today.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never experienced anger or sadness when you hear your best friend announce her pregnancy.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never been more scared than when you have a positive pregnancy test.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never felt so much sadness, anger and just emptiness from not knowing why this had to happen.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never experienced isolation from close friends, people tiptoeing around conversations or hearing someone say, “Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant.”
After a loss, people grieve differently. If you’ve never lost a baby, please know that we need you now more than ever. We may need to talk about it or we may need to watch a movie, eat our feelings or just be with someone else. Please don’t shy away from the hard stuff. If you’ve never lost a baby, you may not know what to say, but just being there for someone who has is all we need.
Infertility affects so many couples today. While a baby isn’t actually lost, the loss of a baby is felt every time a pregnancy test comes back negative. Month after month of negative pregnancy tests, month after month of what could have been.
Normalize conversation about miscarriage, infant loss and infertility; don’t make us feel ashamed or alone because of what life has handed us.
I lost a baby when I was just over five months pregnant in 1964, even though it was a few years ago and I am now 81 years old, the loss will never be forgotten, it still hurts today especially on the anniversary. I was told that the baby was a boy and that something went wrong, of course something went wrong, I lost the baby that I will never forget.
Thinking of others who have lost babies.