Being a parent is a goal for many men and women. Seeing the number of babies born each year makes it seem like an easy task, a part of life if you will. We know how babies are made, we understand the specifics of carrying a baby and frankly teenagers can do it, so surely an adult can, right?
Sadly, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Not to mention, pregnancy loss after the first trimester, still birth, infant death and infertility.
Unfortunately, some of my close friends, relatives and I myself have experienced loss. Between the five of us, eight babies have been lost. Eight babies who never got a chance. Eight babies that we had no control over how their lives would end. And eight babies that will never know how loved they are.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never heard a nervous ultrasound tech say, “Let me get the doctor.”
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had the lab call to tell you that your HCG levels are indicative of a miscarriage.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to decide between letting your body miscarry in excruciating pain or choosing a surgical procedure to remove the baby.
If you’ve never lost a baby, and you have never chosen the surgical route to remove the baby, you will never receive a medical bill with the words “Elective Abortion” typed so very neatly with a pretty dollar sign after it.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never entered a hospital pregnant and walked out empty-handed.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never held your baby as it took its last breath.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to walk into a room that was meant to be a nursery and cry.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you never had to choose which tiny casket your baby will spend forever in.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never had to wonder what that baby may be like today.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never experienced anger or sadness when you hear your best friend announce her pregnancy.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never been more scared than when you have a positive pregnancy test.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never felt so much sadness, anger and just emptiness from not knowing why this had to happen.
If you’ve never lost a baby, you have never experienced isolation from close friends, people tiptoeing around conversations or hearing someone say, “Well, at least now you know you can get pregnant.”
After a loss, people grieve differently. If you’ve never lost a baby, please know that we need you now more than ever. We may need to talk about it or we may need to watch a movie, eat our feelings or just be with someone else. Please don’t shy away from the hard stuff. If you’ve never lost a baby, you may not know what to say, but just being there for someone who has is all we need.
Infertility affects so many couples today. While a baby isn’t actually lost, the loss of a baby is felt every time a pregnancy test comes back negative. Month after month of negative pregnancy tests, month after month of what could have been.
Normalize conversation about miscarriage, infant loss and infertility; don’t make us feel ashamed or alone because of what life has handed us.
And please, for the love of everything, please stop asking women when they are going to add to their family. Or when her daughter will be a big sister. Or if they will try for a boy. We may be trying so hard for the family we always dreamed of.
I lost a baby when I was just over five months pregnant in 1964, even though it was a few years ago and I am now 81 years old, the loss will never be forgotten, it still hurts today especially on the anniversary. I was told that the baby was a boy and that something went wrong, of course something went wrong, I lost the baby that I will never forget.
Thinking of others who have lost babies.