You walk in the door with a purse across your body, gym bag on your shoulder, arms loaded down with groceries, a cup in your hand. You’re overwhelmed by a toddler teetering on two feet saying, “Mommy! Mommy!” and a 60-pound dog standing on hind legs, clawing at your shoulder, grinning. Yes. Grinning. When all you want is to get through the door and take a breath, maybe without tripping or dropping the milk.
Have you ever been so loved?
You sit in the solace of your desk in the office, headphones in, mind focused, when a peck on your shoulder makes you turn. A friend saying, “Hey, I’m so glad you’re here! I miss you!” Though your goal for the day was to not utter a word, you smile and chat anyways because, well, you missed them, too.
Have you ever been so loved?
When it’s the third missed call and you have an unanswered text, you respond with a huff and annoyance in your voice. “I was just calling to tell you to be safe coming home,” you hear while rolling your eyes at the same conversation you’ve heard for years straight. The traffic is heavy, drive in space, how is work, how is the baby? “Well I love you, come over and swim soon.”
Have you ever been so loved?
A distracted moment, thanks to some Disney song when you can run away… Quietly shut the door and sit down, before the first trickle you hear, “Hey, what are you doing?” “I’m…” “Mommy! What are you doing?!” And then the dog runs through the door and licks your face and before you know it, the whole family is staring at you.
Have you ever been so loved?
“How is your day?” is the message that you’re side-glancing at on your phone, sighing, wishing you could chuck the thing into the bottom of a lake. I am tired, I am bored, I am content, I am happy, I am sad, I am blasé, I am existing, I am thriving, I am here.
I am here. I am good. How are you?
Have you ever been so loved?
A hug as you walk through the door, a gentle caress of your hand driving down the road, cold feet and sharp toenails intruding your limited space in the queen size bed that contains a grown man and woman, a 60-pound dog, a cat, and a child who sleeps East to West. Someone asking for a kiss even though you’ve already put on your chapstick for bed. Sigh.
Have you ever been so loved?
Just one more shoe to put away in the room across the hall, and some clothes to pick up in the bathroom, a few more toys on the playroom shelves…and two shadows everywhere you go — one with four legs, the other with two. Any room with your presence is followed by theirs too, blocking the doorway, tripping you up, consuming your space.
Have you ever been so loved?
A toddler screaming while your headache is pounding, and grabbing around your neck to hug you, trying to put them in a car seat so you can all go home, but they think you are leaving when you’re staying right beside them.
Have you ever been so loved?
Running downstairs to grab one thing. Just one thing! Your glasses, or milk, a snack. Working as fast as you can to run and head back up the stairs when you hear two feet padding down the hall, “Mommy?” It’s been less than two minutes…
Have you ever been so loved?
The towels in a basket folded and stacked. Dishes on the counter, clean and dried. Vacuum lines on your carpet that you’re sure weren’t there this morning. A happy sleeping toddler and a smiling face keeping your baby safe.
Have you ever been so loved?
A McDonald’s Coke because someone knows your weakness. Another love note hidden for you to find. A reminder of your daily failure to show everyone exactly how much you care. Little fingers swiping your Kindle, skipping a page or changing the font, just in an effort to get nestled closer to you, but it’s the fifth time tonight, and you’ve only read three pages. Passing in the hallway, you’re spun into a kiss and a hug, when you really just need to finish what you’re doing, you don’t have time for this.
Have you ever been so loved?
Working extra hours in the home office space that has more toys than a toy store, with a toddler in your lap, a TV playing Disney, a dog at your feet, and a husband on the floor. All sitting in this room for no other reason other than to breathe the same air you breathe.
Have you ever been so loved?
Have you ever been so loved that you can’t breathe without inhaling someone’s desperation just to have you touch them, hold them, hug them, love them? Have you ever been so loved that you can’t pick up your phone without someone trying to contact you? Have you ever been so loved that you can’t walk into a room and go completely unnoticed, so that someone is always saying hello? Have you ever been so loved that you simply cannot fade into the background? That you cannot escape the madness that is your life? Have you ever been so loved that you can’t lay down at night and go to sleep without anything, anyone, touching you? Because your touch is the comfort that everyone needs to find themselves floating in sweet dreams. Have you ever been so loved?
Nearly eight years ago, I promised myself that I would never beg someone to love me again. I can’t see why I would ever have to. Today, I have never been so loved.
