What do you think of when you hear the phrase mental health? I think about the various social media posts about losing the stigma attached to mental health, postpartum depression, taking time for oneself, practicing self-care, etc. I used to think that if you weren’t mentally stable, you shouldn’t have kids because you’d either pass a mental health disease onto them, go off the deep end and hurt them or yourself, or worse. It was a harsh thought, but I felt it deep to my core, nonetheless. I’d roll my eyes at the Facebook posts of moms harping on and on about taking “me time.” I couldn’t help but think: Bless your heart…Why would you have kids, if you’re selfish enough to need this oh-so-necessary “ME TIME?” Get a grip. Grow up and show up for your kids. Quit whining. There are others who can’t have kids… The thoughts went on and on.
Then a momma close to me nearly took her life. She had tea time with death, so to speak. They discussed the weather and what it was like after the final breath.
No one believed it. She seemed to have it all together. Former single mom, she’d created an awesome career and she’d found a great guy and always seemed so happy. People deemed her “Little Miss Sunshine,” and would go to her for advice, tough love, and solutions to problems that sometimes seemed unsolvable. She was loving and happy, would give you the shirt off of her back — she’d go exhausted to make sure others were taken care of. What made some people especially incredulous was that she was facing health issues, but she kept on trucking along with a smile on her face and a song on her lips.
One day though, she spiraled, attempted to take her life, had a moment of clarity, and sought help QUICKLY. She checked herself into an institution for four days. She was off the grid to fix the problems in her mind. Come to find out, she was running herself ragged by always giving to others, but never giving to herself. She was pouring from an empty cup so to speak.
I am that momma.
On September 17th, 2019, I had tea time with death, and truly believed the world would be a better place without me, that my family would be better off, that my child would be better off, that my business would be better off…
My waltz with death came with many complications. The medication I was on for health issues stopped working and when it did, my memory became fuzzy so I forgot to take it for five days. My body went into withdrawal without the chemicals needed to heal my body; when that happened, my mind went spiraling down the drain, my emotions flipped and I began to truly believe that everyone would be better off without me. I had many plans to end my life but I will not go into details here.
During this dark time however, I had a moment of clarity. I suddenly realized that I needed help quickly. I looked for therapists near me as I sat at a Starbucks. The first one I called happened to be his personal cell-phone. He answered on the third ring.
“Hi, my name is Angelica, and I’m ready to commit suicide. Please help me.”
He didn’t hesitate. He immediately began to talk to me and listen. He slowly pulled me away from the edge. His office were able to get me an appointment that same day, but not for four hours. They asked if I was safe and since I wasn’t, we decided I’d wait in their office until the time of the appointment. I sat for hours in the lobby sobbing softly and when the therapist took me back, it was obvious that I needed a very serious change in the medication I take for my health issues, which are unrelated to this incident.
We decided it was best that I be checked into a voluntary treatment facility.
I called my partner Andrew. Without hesitation he had my back.
I called my assistant. He had my side.
I called the head of HR for my company. She had my front.
That evening I was on suicide watch and not allowed to be left alone. The following day I was checked in at the facility. I was not allowed to bring electronics or a phone. I was without the distractions of the outside world and social media. I was only allowed to watch the “happy” movies they provided. I went to group therapy everyday, five times a day, as well as individual therapy. I was only allowed to eat on a strict schedule. I was without caffeine or cigarettes.
And you know what, mommas? It was the best decision I’ve ever made. Without all the distractions listed above, I was able to focus on me, my mind, my thoughts, and the truth: I was pouring from a cup that had been emptied out years before.
I was giving to everyone without giving to myself and all the thoughts I’d had of it being selfish to look after yourself and take care of yourself came flooding back and I couldn’t help but feel horribly guilty because now I understood. Sitting at a table with homeless people, soccer moms and business men, I realized that mental illness does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone, at anytime, and without any warning.
I’m much better now. My medication for my health issues was adjusted and there was an immediate effect. I’ve got a support system and help. I’m able to talk about it and share my story in the hope of helping others…but what if I’d followed through with my plan to end my life?
Don’t stay alive for yourself; stay alive for those who need you, those who depend on you. Whether it’s your child, husband, or pets, stay alive one day at a time for them and seek the guidance you need.
Depression is a coward. It bullies you. And you know what I say? Man up and kill me like the plague, because I will NOT be bullied by a disease that only uses thoughts to hurt me. Where is the fever or the boils, gosh darn it?!
You are not alone; I’m here for you and so are others. Please take the time for yourself. Take the time to do things that make you happy, things that you gave up to be a good mom long ago. You are NOT a bad mom for taking time to breathe or make yourself happy. Your children need to see you happy and need you. We need you to tell your story and help others. Take that bubble bath. Get that manicure. Take thirty extra minutes while grocery shopping alone for a latte. Take care of yourself, so you can take better care of your family.
If you have the same attitude I did not too long ago, where you find others with such issues weak or think the reason they had such a tough moment was for attention, I’ve got a few words for you: Bless your heart. Bless it so that you can learn to show compassion, empathy and sympathy. Bless it so that maybe you can help those who aren’t as strong as you are. Bless it, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
