Hello my lovelies! We are so glad you are here, and by we, I mean me, because it is just such a tremendous honor – and of course important duty – for me to share about today’s topic. Naturally, parenting is a lot of work, and sometimes it can be very confusing to sort through all the messages we get from our families and friends, social media, and the surrounding culture. You have come to the right place, though! I am here to help you navigate these treacherous waters, because my precious little dear, I can assure you, you are doing this all wrong.
I know you want to do the very, very best for your baby, and bless your heart, you’re trying so hard. Let’s start with the basics:
You have to give your baby top notch nutrition, and that starts with superior breast milk! As soon as you see those two pink lines, you should immediately change to a vegan, Whole30, paleo, keto-friendly, allergen-free diet, and be sure to eat plenty of nuts and meats to give your baby that needed protein! You should also completely eliminate carbs and dairy, which of course human beings were never meant to ingest.
Next, you’ll need to start growing your own organic, heirloom, ancient grains to stone grind by hand for your homemade bread and pastas, and keep an eye out for Prime Day specials on old fashioned butter churns. Your baby will definitely taste the difference when you make your own cheese. When baby is ready to start eating table food, always start with green vegetables, and of course you can mix those stone-ground grains in with leftover formula. You definitely want to be feeding your baby formula, which has the most densely-packed nutrients for the punch!
But of course your children should also have a well-rounded experience growing up because you don’t want them to be unsocialized weirdos. So you’ll have to work in some fast food chains, but make sure your toddler never has any fried food. Only give him the green salads with no dressing, and french fries of course because white potatoes are an excellent source of potassium! You want your kiddos to be able to talk about it with their peers at preschool, you know, at the “cool” table where they should be sitting by age 3.
Speaking of preschool, don’t ever let your precious angel attend one of those filthy breeding grounds for disease, lest your cherub bring home a cold or rash that can very easily be treated with rest, fluids, and antibiotics. Wouldn’t you feel like such a failure if your little one ever suffered such a terrible fate? We can’t have that. You must homeschool your children from the time they can sit up independently (that was 10 weeks for my little Ammbrossiannleigh, but you know she has always been gifted). It is imperative that your child be reading classical literature and writing their own poetry in iambic pentameter by the time they are toilet trained. How else will they ever succeed in life? You’ll need to invest in the very best preschool of course, and be sure to tell all their teachers that a private evaluation of your pumpkin’s IQ showed that at age 2 she is already smarter than most college graduates, so you WILL be contesting every single grade she is given.
To give little darlings the perfect place for their schoolwork, it is our responsibility to provide a pristine workspace in our tidy homes. All spaces in which the children interact should be free of clutter, calmingly neutral, and utterly silent. Brightly colored musical toys are, of course, the best way to engage your children, so be sure to keep plenty of them on hand for rotation. Spaces must be kept clean, but only use natural, plant-based cleaners. You wouldn’t feed your child poison, would you? Of course not. Essential oils are the only cleaning agents good enough for my sugarplum muffins, so I use a delicate blend of rosemary oil, lavender oil, and melaleuca mixed at a ratio of 1:13 with unscented bleach, because you have to kill every single germ on every single surface if you want children to survive in this day and age.
Of course, parenting can be incredibly exhausting, so it is important to prioritize self-care, but that doesn’t mean you get all willy-nilly about things. You are still setting an example for your children, even when they’re not around to observe, so your self-care should not give in to childish whims for things like sweets, relaxation, or laughter. Doesn’t your child bring you enough joy that you don’t need to seek out artificial substitutes like adult friendships? It’s just pitiful when I see parents like that, meeting up at Starbucks like they haven’t a care in the world. Coffee, of course, is to be avoided, as caffeine inhibits brain function and teaches your children that chemical dependency is an ideal to live up to. Coffee is the gateway drug to prison, if you ask me. For my own special treat, I indulge in a triple-mocha-frappu-latte-nitro-cold-foam, with unsweetened almond milk of course, because it’s lower in calories, and as you all know, I’m allergic to tree nuts.
Parents, I am so glad you came here today to learn about the ways you’re doing this all wrong before it’s too late. Can you even imagine the horror of raising children in a world without my sage wisdom to guide you? You can trust that I know everything about every single subject, because I am a mom blogger, and why else would I be doing this if I didn’t have all the answers? I have only one parting declaration to impart upon my loyal followers as you go forth in your parenting journeys…
