Why We Don’t Say the “D” Word


{Disclaimer: This post is written from my personal perspective and is what we do in our home. In no way am I attempting to generalize marriage or tell anyone that they’ve made bad decisions. My life mantra is “You do you. I’ll do me.” There is absolutely no judgment in this post! I know sometimes life happens and there’s nothing you can do about it. Hugs and love. Cookies. Milk. Warm feelings.}

Why We Don't Use the "D" Word

Zach and I met when we were 19. So young, but totally in love and sure of ourselves. So you can probably imagine that when we started talking marriage not even a year after we met, our families collectively raised their eyebrows. Of course people were concerned and afraid that we were jumping into things too fast. We hardly knew each other, how could we commit to spending a lifetime together? When Zach asked my dad if he could marry me, you want to know what my dad said? Something sentimental? Something emotional about giving away his first baby girl? No. He said:

“Yes. You can marry her. But we don’t believe in divorce.”

I know divorce isn’t something that anyone truly believes in. I can’t imagine that there’s anyone out there that is a proponent of divorce. It’s messy and painful and I think it’s safe to say that everyone would love to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes things happen and many couples make the choice to get divorced. Sometimes it’s the only way to save yourself or your children. I get that. Please don’t think I’m generalizing marriage or making an across the board “You should think like me!” kind of statement. It’s just that I come from a family that places an extremely high value on marriage and I’m thankful that I married someone who has the same values. When we said “I do,” we promised each other that we would never throw the word “divorce” around. It’s a dirty word in our home and it’s not an option.

We don’t use the “d” word because we would rather fight than grow silent and distant.

We don’t use the “d” word because we swore that we would love each other in good times and in bad. There were no clauses in that promise. No “unless this happens” or “unless you do that.” Even when the bad times are really, really, bad. We will stay.

We don’t use the “d” word because we want our boys to learn what love truly is. That’s it’s not always pretty or graceful or fun. That sometimes loving somebody is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. But it’s so completely worth it.

We don’t use the “d” word because it’s not something we want to treat lightly. Divorce rips families apart and the more you use the word, the less of a big deal it seems.

Zach and I are 100% all in. No matter what. Till death do we part. We know that sometimes we won’t “feel” in love, but when those seasons come, we will choose to love. We will never seek our own happiness above the other’s because when we said our vows, we bound ourselves together and became one. When we inevitably make mistakes and fail each other and hurt each other deeper than we’d ever thought possible, we won’t walk away. We will stand and fight and put the pieces back together. Because the “d” word is a tragic thing and we’d rather fight a thousand fights than bury our marriage.

When we’re old and gray and bickering like old people do, I want to look back on our lives and say, “You know…that sure as hec wasn’t pretty, but it was worth every mountain and I’m so thankful we stuck it out.” I want to walk with the same person through every season of my life and I want that person to be the one whose face was smiling back at me when I walked down the aisle. That’s our plan. That’s what we value. And that’s why we don’t use the “d” word.



  1. I love this! I am 20 and I just got engaged a few weeks ago to a wonderful man that I have been dating since I was 16. When we met, we pretty much immediately told our family we were getting married one day. Haha try bring 16 and telling your father that you’re planning on marrying the 18 year old freshman in college they just met!! But, because God is good, we’ve made it through some weird times and are now getting married in 7 months (ahh!!). I completely agree with you going in to this. We do not believe divorce is or ever will be an option. You are such a role model for me Kristen! I love love love your writing and honesty. Keep doin you.


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