A few mornings ago, my usually sound sleeper woke up at 6:00 am (I know, poor me, right?). I heard her crying, went to get her out of her crib, and laid her in the bed between my husband and I to coax her back to sleep for another 40 minutes before I had to get ready for work. No sooner did I close my eyes in an attempt to drift back to sleep, and I felt my two-year-old’s tiny little lips pucker against my forehead. I was overcome with emotion, so much love, so much awe and pure happiness. In that moment, it was so hard for me not to believe in God, to believe in something greater than evolution, biology, and science.
And to be truthful, on most days I do believe in some greater being that indirectly helped put this life I lead into motion. But when I wake up to news reports of church shootings, pass a homeless person on my way to work, read a friend’s post about a miscarriage or open my eyes to all that’s going on in the world, my feelings get a lot more complicated on the subject. I’ve struggled with the confines of religion since adolescence, and I can only imagine that my daughter is likely to go through the same struggle, especially living in Bible belt being raised by two parents who don’t really know what “religious affiliation” box to check.
My two (formerly) Catholic parents gave me the gift of a secular childhood, and while I’m grateful every single day for the freedom they gave me to choose, the journey has been tough at times. From the first time a friend told me I was going to hell or when I was overwhelmed with peer pressure to go vacation bible school, church or to get saved, I have never been able to suppress this feeling inside that organized religion just wasn’t for me. Instead, I chose to believe in a god that was bigger than any one religion, which led me full circle to practice secular parenting too.
Just because we don’t attend church on a regular basis (or at all) doesn’t mean I will raise my daughter with values any less than kindness, compassion, willingness to serve humanity, to love everyone, and to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. And in my strictly personal opinion, I look forward to teaching her the beautiful ideals all religions have to offer, such as Buddhism’s view that nothing is ever fixed or permanent and change is always possible, how Hinduism has a great religious tolerance and belief that there is no exclusive path or one way for all, or Bahai’s central idea of unity and people working together for the common benefit of humanity. While these religions and many more may clash in their overall belief systems, they all teach the golden rule, which is a key component in secular parenting.
While I greatly respect others’ faith-based lives, I don’t want people to think of my daughter (or my family) as lacking religion; in our case, it is actually quite the opposite since I have a love of theology which I someday hope to share with my daughter.
What I do want people to understand is that secular parenting is about encouraging and engaging in open and honest questions about life, practicing tolerance and compassion, and not neglecting the science in the world around us. I want to give her the option to discover the world around her, allow her to think freely and decide what makes sense to her.
If she should decide to become a Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Atheist or any other option, I will be proud to have given her the freedom to make such a choice.
And for those of you reading this who are raising children in your chosen faith, know that I respect your choice and my goal is not to convert you, merely to create awareness. As Ghandi once said, “I disbelieve in the conversion of one person by another. My effort should never be to undermine another’s faith but to make him a better follower of his own faith.”
God gave you this beautiful child. Actually, he lent her to you. Isn’t that the most wonderful gift you’ve ever received? Why wouldn’t you want to reciprocate and give your love back to God by raising your daughter to worship her creator?
I had a Catholic mom who knew nothing of her faith and of the beautiful 2000 + years of awesome tradition. I was raised secular, to believe whatever I choose, whatever felt good to me. I thought I had my life together & did whatever I wanted for over 40 years. I was a good person, never hurt a soul and all that I knew was there was a God and He loved me.
My mom thought she was doing me a favor in letting me choose. I wish she hadn’t. Funny thing is I did the same with my daughter! At the time I thought I was doing her a favor, as my mom did with me – now I’m older (57) and wiser (I hope!).
Both my daughter and myself met men that made it very clear that for a strong, solid marriage, we needed to worship our God together. How wise those men were (still are)! Our grand children (4, 3 & 1) are raised in the Catholic faith. They know & love God well. At their young age (the 4 & 3), they already look forward to Mass every Sunday.
Today, I’m a devout, practicing Catholic. I wish my mom had made that choice for me. For 40 years I walked in the dark. Not any longer.
God bless you Caitland, I wish you all the best and know that your family is in my prayers.
Christine,
That was a beautiful and thoughtful sentiment and thank you for sharing it with me. I can’t speak for all secular parents, but while I am very grateful for my daughter, I cannot find it within myself to say that God “gave” her specifically to me. Because if I find logic in that, then I (personally) would have to find logic in God “taking away” other peoples’ children and all of the other struggles and heartache people deal with. I choose not to believe in a god that rewards and punishes (among other things), which is why I cannot ascribe to the Christian (and other) faiths. I’ll be the first person to admit I don’t 100% know what I believe in, and sometimes I am envious of those with a very strong faith. But I tried to go down that path and truly lend myself to believe when I was younger, and it was far me tormenting to me personally because I never felt it in my heart to be the truth. I am so happy that you were able to find and fulfill your faith and raise your children that way; faith is a beautiful thing no one can ever take away from you.
Beautiful put Caitland, I could not agree more, if on one hand we believe god gives life then with the other we must believe he takes it, including that of innocent babies and children. Rather than believe in an evil and malevolent God that would do such a thing with seemingly reckless and thoughtless abandon, I choose the logical path of not believing in any such gods.
I work with kids, and when a substitute staff member was in once and claimed, in regards to a awesome little girl sadly crippled by a extraordinary rare brain disorder ”God only gives struggles to those that can survive them” my boss and I had to walk away. Before we said something unprofessional. We knew first hand how much her parents struggled, how hard they were fighting just to make it through the days. And even if that was not the case to believe that a God would do something like that to a child just because they were strong enough to deal with it?
Unfathomable.
This is the best thing I have read in a long time and I felt like your words were coming from my brain. Thank you so much for sharing this. Its a little bit of reassurance that I am doing ok with my son.
Thank you so so so much for writing this. I agree with everything you said Caitland. Great writing. Great, thoughtful response.
You’re missing the whole point though. Christianity isn’t about being kind and serving humanity. When your life is over, God won’t ask if you made good or bad decisions. He’ll ask if you knew who he was and if you chose to ignore him.
Christina,
I appreciate your response, but my post wasn’t about Christianity. But to be fair, being kind and serving humanity is a HUGE part of what Jesus stood for so I don’t think that’s fair to say it’s not an important part of being Christian. It’s a central theme to the Christian faith, as well as many other faiths. And as I see Christianity, I understand it to be God giving up his only son to extend forgiveness to humanity, and by believing and accepting Jesus Christ as your savior, one may achieve salvation.
If it were as simple as believing in God, I wouldn’t struggle with that concept. I do believe in God, in many ways, just not as Christians understand him, and I don’t believe that one has to accept Jesus Christ as the savior. The main purpose of my post wasn’t to spread any message about Christianity; it was just to make others aware of secular parenting. Often times, depending where you live, it can be hard to find people to relate to, and I just wanted to let people know they aren’t alone if they are raising their kids in a similar manner.
Even though I am not a Christian, I love Christianity and I think it’s a beautiful faith. I think Jesus, as well as other religious figures, are wonderful role models that everyone should strive to be like.
This is perfect. Thank you so much with putting into words what I find myself feeling like I have to apologize for sometimes. We are raising our daughter to be a good and loving and kind person. We are teaching her to find good and beauty in everything, to honor and respect the earth and everyone living here. All admirable values, I think but somehow always subject to judgement. So glad to see that we aren’t alone.
Thank you Susannah! It sounds like we are raising our daughters in very similar environments. When writing this post, I was expecting some very interesting feedback, and I have been overwhelmingly surprised by how many parents feel the same way. It really is nice to know that we aren’t alone.
Thank you for writing this! My parents raised me to believe whatever I chose to believe – they never forced me to go to church or condemned me for questioning if there is a god. I must say, it is SO difficult raising a child in the Bible Belt, where you are constantly expected to regularly attend Sunday School or share the same views as Susie two doors down. In a generation, where EVERYTHING (good, bad, and ugly) are shared on social media, I am always feeling the pressure of having different beliefs – not only about religion, but about politics, parenting, schooling, etc. it’s refreshing to know there are other people out there who feel the same way!
Thank you for your comments Allie! I know, even though my parents raised me without religion, as a young child, my next door neighbors were also asking and inviting me to their church’s VBS, and more often than not, I went. I felt so much pressure, all the way up until college, to believe the way they did, or I wasn’t going to have friends I could relate to. I sincerely hope that doesn’t happen to my daughter, but I feel like the secular community is growing, especially based on how many people who have related to what I’ve said.
I was raised to be a Christian, but even as a small child I could not really understand why it was so important to people. As an adult, I simply do not believe anymore. I find it very difficult to explain, but like you I have found that many religions all have some of the same ideas, especially about kindness and charity, and that is what I teach my children. I am not wholly concerned about being invited into heaven, I really don’t think that it matters. And besides wouldn’t that make this God very arrogant, if I was a good person and he didn’t let me in? I find this line of thinking unnecessarily frustrating because murderers can say they are sorry and repent and go to heaven too. I don’t see the point in that. Too much uncertainty for me, and too many horrible actions taken by people who claim to do things for God. And it is hard when you feel like you don’t fit in with everyone else because you don’t participate in religion.
Stephanie, it seems you and I think a lot alike! It’s nice to know that even when we feel singled-out, there are still people out there that we can see eye-to-eye with. I’m glad I wrote this post just for that, being able to relate with out parents out there and show them they aren’t alone.
i’m pregnant with my first child and i completely agree with this. one of the most beautiful things in life are the different cultures and practices all over the world. i generally state myself as a “christian” but the older i get, and the more i truly see the world around me, i can’t help but to question this. i think so many people don’t question their beliefs and this is such an important role in creating a strong belief system. so many people blindly follow their family or friends without really thinking about how they really feel about things. i, too, live in the “bible belt” but have been lucky to find a group of friends that still represent beliefs and religions aside from mine. it’s such an intriguing lifestyle and i can’t wait to to share all of the world with my unborn son.
Congratulations Amanda! That is going to be one lucky boy to have you as a parent. In high school and college, I definitely would have called myself a Christian, but like you, I kept questioning so many things. I felt like a wolf living in sheep’s skin, so to speak. I think the best thing we can do for our children is to be true to ourselves, and teach our children to really speak what’s on their mind. I am so glad to know their are other moms out their like us that want to help our children seeks the answers to the questions we ask ourselves.
Your article is very thoughtful, and you sound like an empathetic person. Your daughter is lucky to have someone non-judgmental guiding her during the formative years of her spiritual self and path. These are very tender years indeed.
We are very similar in some ways– I also raise my children to learn about and respect other religions. As an example, though we are Christian, they attend a Jewish school and learn its traditions and Hebrew. To me, love enhances each other, in any form.
I am sorry the horrors of the Earth makes you question a Higher Power. When one has a sensitive soul, it is hard to find order in chaos, peace in the hate, God in the unjustness of it all. Our family has had its share of hardships recently– we lost one of the kindest people on Earth to a police shooting (he was acting erratically probably to a new med the VA put him on for PTSD, disrobed and walked towards the officer, who assumed he was on drugs and charging him). Also, we had ties to Emanuel AME in Charleston– my in-laws were married there, and friends went there.
Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that this life, on our beautiful Earth, is only temporary… there is peace after this Veil of Tears… and though our bodies and minds can be hurt, nothing can hurt our souls.
Peace and blessings to you and your family.
Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. We lived in Charleston for a year, and while we didn’t know anyone killed in the shooting, it certainly hit way too close to home, and now with the Chattanooga shooting as well. I truly hope that their is an afterlife so that these victims and their families can find peace together someday. It’s one of the many reasons that I do have some belief in a creator. I hate to think that this is it. I can’t bear to think a person’s last moment on earth is texting his girlfriend “Active Shooter.” Where is the sense in that?
I love that you are able to stand strong in your faith and raise your children to understand other faiths. I so admire people who realize introducing your children to other religions isn’t “dangerous.” In fact, it could even make them stronger in their own faith by empathizing and sympathizing with other belief systems.
I really appreciate your comment, and thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It gives me ideas for raising my daughter when she’s the age to start discussing religion.
I love this idea. My husband and I plan to raise our children this way, for many of the same reasons. My only wish is that there was a community, similar to that of a church, for those of us that are like-minded secular parents. I would love reinforcement of the ideals that you described and a forum in which to practice it. I don’t mean a church, for worship or ritual, but more like a school, to discuss ideas and giving and kindness, and a group to bond and volunteer with. There is no such thing in New Orleans, as far as I am aware, and that makes me sad.
Nicole,
Do you have a Unitarian Universalist Church near you? I have very much considered joining one because it is the closest thing to what you described. My hangup? There was actually a shooting at the one near where I live a few years ago–talk about scary.
I really wish there such a school, just like you said. Maybe there will be one day–it would be such an amazing thing.