Two years ago our precious second son was born on May 5th at 6:28 PM. At 8:25 PM, he was pronounced dead. It sounds so short and simple when I type it here, but really those 2 hours were the most special and heart-filled moments of my entire life. That was on a Sunday evening. One week later was Mother’s Day, and it was one of the worst days of my life. We buried our son 3 days before Mother’s Day, so instead of being at home cuddling with my one week old baby, I was sitting at home one-week out from giving birth, trying to get my milk to dry up, running out of the mesh underwear, and being reminded every where that it was Mother’s Day and I didn’t have my son with me.
The whole day was awful. I didn’t even have words to speak to celebrate our moms, much less to get them a gift or a card. I think most people in my life didn’t know what to say to me, so they just avoided the subject, which only made me feel worse. It was a day where I had to truly put one foot in front of the other and just.get.through.it. I needed to get my head on the pillow that night and never repeat that day again. After trying my best to just show up on that day, I was spent in every way imaginable — physically, emotionally, mentally.
I didn’t dare look on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. My already broken heart couldn’t handle facing anything besides breathing in and out and getting through the day. I had to protect myself as best as I could. I had to survive.
This is my 3rd Mother’s Day without our Gabriel. And I miss him so much. He taught me so many things. God used him to change me. I’m a very different person now than I was before him. While this Mother’s Day will be much better than the one in 2013, it still stings. And I think that’s the best way to describe it. When you have lost a child, Mother’s Day just stings. It’s a constant reminder of the loss. It’s a bittersweet time as you celebrate the children who have made you a mother, while at the same time grieve the child you had to say goodbye to.
I wish no mom had to know this pain. I wish we could all have happy Mother’s Days where we got to squeeze all of our kids so tight, and kiss their faces all day long, and run our fingers through their hair while we checked on them before we went to sleep that night. But I don’t get to do those things with my Gabriel, and I know many other moms don’t get to either.
If you’re a mama who has lost a child, know that you aren’t alone. You are amazing for carrying on. You are awesome for celebrating your child. And it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay if Mother’s Day is a day for crying. Do what you need to to take care of yourself. You’re walking a very hard road, and you’re stronger than you know.
If you’re someone who loves a mama who has lost a child, take care of them. Be sensitive on this day. Don’t avoid them or talking about their child, but instead, remember with them. Celebrate their child. Give them a gift. Bring them flowers. Do something to let them know that they aren’t alone and that you love them and their child. Nothing means more to a mama than knowing her child is loved and remembered, and that’s what you can do to help those of us who hate Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you incredible women who are missing your children on this day.
 who made you mom. But what does the day represent when you've lost this child? Grieving through Mother's Day.){kind=link}
I wrote about why Mother’s Day isn’t the greatest day for me either. http://strollersavvy.com/2015/05/my-greatest-regret-on-mothers-day/ However, yours is infinitely tougher and I admire your strength in being able to talk about Gabriel so openly. I completely agree that knowing that others love and miss the deceased is one of the most helpful gifts we can receive. Prayers to you always, and especially this weekend.
What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you don’t get to celebrate with your mother. I’m sorry you can’t watch her be a grandmother. Love to you!
Lauren,
The courage and strength it took to share this post is so very appreciated by me. I admire your honesty and your faith. I wish for Gabriel to be here with you so very much. I am most certain God is using his sweet soul to climb so many hard, tall mountains for so many Moms our there as you honor his memory and share his story.
Love to you, Lauren.
Meghan
Thank you, Meghan. Happy Mother’s Day to you! xo!!
I admire your strength and courage to share with us. My Son was due May 18th, 2009 and I delivered him on January 1st, 2009. My first Mother’s Day was a nightmare. I wanted to stay home and in bed but my family came up with a celebration of life. Even though I have had a daughter since then my heart still aches daily. It hurts today just like it hurt when I buried him 6 years ago. Thank you!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Crystal. That ache is so painful, isn’t it? Thankful for you and your children. Much love to you!
Lauren,
I also appreciate the strength and courage it took to share your story. Mother’s Day will be especially difficult for me this year and for years to come. Tomorrow I will take my twin 6 year old boys to their mother’s grave site. My wife died from breast cancer last year the day after Mother’s Day. Every year celebrating Mother’s Day will be difficult for me and my boys.
Steve
Steve, Your response brought me to tears. I have a 6 year old as well. God Bless you and your boys. I hope you can celebrate your wife and their mother on Mother’s Day. She will want you to, I am positive of that.
Steve, thank you for sharing. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for the hard Mother’s Day you and your boys have. Please know I am praying for you all on Mother’s Day but also on the 1 year anniversary of your wife’s death. You inspire me.
Thank you this is exactly how i felt and feel. We celebrate my Adams birthday every year even though he isnt here. I have faced comfort and criticism for it but they arent me. I dont ask others to celebrate with me. Just my husband and I. Adam was our only child. He would have been 2 April 22. Sometimes I feel all alone in my grief (although i recognize my husbands sorrow). It was a comfort to know Iam not alone.
Lauren,
I share your pain and know how incredibly lonely it can be being an angel mommy. We’ve had our share of those that choose to not talk to us because it’s hard to do so! Sending so much love to you ❤️ And your family!