A little over 4 years ago, I met someone. We dated, moved in together, planned a future, and then he liked it so much he put a ring on it. (I was also 5 months pregnant with my now 3 year old so…) Everything was pretty good. Until it wasn’t.
Too bad Beyoncé didn’t write a song to accompany what happens after he stops liking it, takes the ring off of it, and pawns your bling somewhere in Cocke County.
After I signed divorce papers, I re-met an old friend. We started dating. We have since parted ways, but I quickly realized dating with kids is WAY different than just regular ole dating. In fact, it’s some sort of hilarious nightmare that goes a little like this.
1. Are we eating dinner or is this a booty call?
When I started seeing someone, I didn’t immediately want my kids to start seeing that same someone. So, like any self-respecting, clueless mom, I started sneaking him into my house using the backdoor after the kids had gone to bed and I knew they were REALLY REALLY asleep.
“Hey you wanna come over? I made beef stew in the crock pot…”
“You know its 9:30, right?”
“Well…yeah…but I mean, the kids went to sleep an hour ago so I think we’re safe.”
“Is this like in high school, when you invite someone over to ‘watch a movie’?”
For about three months, we played the arrive late, leave early game. Which leads me to my next point:
2. “Mommy, whose car is out there?”
Did you ever sneak someone into your room when you were a teenager? I didn’t. But I have thrown a grown man OUT of my bedroom window like a lunatic because I heard Maddox trying to make cereal in the kitchen unassisted at 6am. I have also told the same sleepy (then) 3 year old that the SUV parked in the driveway wasn’t actually there. “NO, NO SON, I DON’T SEE ANYTHING AT ALL OVER THERE. JUST LOOK OUT THE OTHER WINDOW, MMK?”
3. Busy is a choice.
I know we have all probably read a version of the blog post that went viral a few years ago, detailing how busy isn’t cool or trendy; you make time for what you want to make time for or however it went. I have joint custody, with 50/50 decision-making capabilities, and am the primary residential parent. Loosely translated? The court’s fancy way of saying I can’t just up and take the kiddos to Bali and open a lemonade stand in the rainforest. Translated in the day to day? I am the one running to sports practices, friends’ birthday parties, PTA meetings, making cupcakes at 11:30pm, and doing all the other mommy things. Those little people who have the same double-helices as I do? I like them more than you. I like them more than all men. I like them nearly as much as I like corn dogs. I swear I am not a pretentious-idiot-jerk-man hater; I sincerely don’t have time to go out on a weeknight. And so…
4. What is happy hour?
Dating with kids means that 99% of the time I cannot do whatever it is that a potential mate wants to do unless we take the kids along, which is fine after we’ve all logged time together, but is a NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET in the beginning stages when I am trying to keep my little men separated from my romantic man. Honestly? I’m tired. And I don’t want to drop $40 on a babysitter so I can go to a bar, movie, dinner, party, etc. on a Wednesday…you know, normal date night stuff that people do. And there are very few men who want to spend their nights at a tee ball field or an awards banquet or at my grandma’s house when a great band is playing or there’s a happy hour in a trendy bar downtown.
5. Save the drama for your baby mama…or daddy.
At some point your ex man has to meet your new man. This is a special torturous form of hell. I mean. It just is. Even in the best possible scenario, where everyone co-parents and gets along, your new man meeting the man who used to do the thing he’s trying to do, to the person with whom he’s trying to do it (aka take you to the boom boom room), is LITERALLY THE MOST AWKWARD THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF AWKWARD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED. There is a lot of foot shuffling and staring at the ground and talking about the weather and not a whole lot of direct eye contact.
I am abut 80% sure that if our lawyers made us role play one of these meetings during the 90 day TN state mandated divorce waiting period, I’d probably have just called it all off and gone to marriage counseling or agreed to live in different houses across town to practice celibacy or something. SO. FREAKING. AWKWARD. Y’ALL I WANTED TO DIE 10 TIMES.
6. Tiny reminders.
To tag onto that: I HATE running into the ex girlfriend/ex wife/ex whatever of the person I’m seeing. Yuck. Imagine living with and playing with and eventually loving the past of your girlfriend and her ex whatever.
It takes a really strong man to love another man’s child, and to sacrifice for that child.
(But clearly my children are PERFECT and PRECIOUS and ANGEL CHERUB BABIES who are SO QUIET and WELL BEHAVED and DO NOT need attitude adjustments on the regular and everyone who meets them LOVES and ADORES and OBSESSES OVER them instantly so that didn’t apply to me at all. I have just heard this. You know, from other Single Pringles out there).
7. The sads.
If/when it doesn’t work out, there is a lot of heartbreak. When a “normal” relationship ends, you lick your wounds and eat ice cream and drink wine and confide in your girlfriends that he was never good enough for you (or if you’re Taylor Swift you write a chart topping single) and throw all his clothes away, and deal with it as best you can. Add onto your heartbreak two tiny hearts also breaking and that’s a break up with kids. My first relationship after my divorce lasted for a year. And then I found myself explaining to two little tear-streaked faces why he was at his parents’ house and why, even though we knew where his mommy and daddy lived, we couldn’t go get him and bring him home. Because he didn’t want to come home.
This is where it gets tricky. How can I love someone who has hurt me but who has also hurt my children? How can I answer phone calls and text messages and really honestly miss someone who has caused my babies pain too? If you’re looking for some huge philosophical takeaway here, skim on sister, because I still don’t have that for you.
All I know is that we healed and we soldiered on (and we went to the beach just the three of us and stayed up until midnight watching Pixar movies) and now things aren’t sad anymore. But seeing my boys hurt over someone I brought into their lives was awful, and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Dating with kids is hard. And if y’all are out there, fighting the good fight, trying to rock lacy Victoria’s Secret torture devices one minute and bake 15 cupcakes for a class party the next without missing a beat, you go girls. I can promise it gets (somewhat) easier to put yourself out there. I can also promise that good men are around, just waiting to be pushed out of your bedroom window wearing only boxers and a baseball cap.
i feel like we should just go ahead and be BFFs because our lives are so totally matched. except i have one daughter and no boys. but still.
come on over sister girl!
As the datee in the man with child’s game I completely respect this whole article . It’s hard placing yourself in someone’s life knowing you influence their entire world . Erics little boy is literally my best friend and I try every day to be the best example I can be . Most people are in the dark about their feeling in this particular situation . So hats off to you sister !!! I promise someone is out there just waiting to make your boys smile and if you don’t find him soon I promise to take the boys fishing 🙂
Girlfriend I can’t imagine! I think it’s just as hard, if not harder, on your side. So often men I have been seeing just don’t get it. They don’t get why I need to talk to my baby daddies or why they can’t come over at 6pm for dinner if they haven’t met the kids yet or why Id care about a parent teacher conference when I could be out and about -so hats off to you. My mother bear instincts come from having my babies but it would be so much harder to be childless and feel the same way. ❤️
I can relate to all of your feelings in this article. I was married for over 20 years to my junior high sweetheart. Had 3 great kids (all college bound now) and somehow my ex-wife, her boyfriend, my girlfriend (quite a bit younger) all managed to keep very respectful, very close relationships.
There were definitely times of awkwardness; I never remember judgement or ill will. It was just 2 mature adults (soon to be 4) realizing that we had grown apart and wanting the best for each other; desiring people, other than each other, to experience life with. The key here ‘non-judgmental’ adults.
The divorce was mutually accepted, there was no blame game. We grew apart, jumped ship. In hindsight, for all you men and women out there going through similar changes, hang on! Many of you will understand once you’ve tried the greener pastures. Many will wish they had never taken that step once their T-levels settle back down 😉
My beautiful new love, soon to be fiancé lasted almost 11 years. About 4 years into it, I felt the guilt of a failed dad, failed husband. That is still with me today. My kids don’t feel that way, had never experienced a ‘life long single parent scenario’ as we did. They claim it was great having 4 people serving as parents, celebrating life with and loving them. They saw the happiness that ‘we’ their parents and significant others shared and learned to respect our decisions by watching the way we respected each other. The guilt was in my own soul for breaking up a perfectly good family unit, but I hid it well.
Now separated for over a year from that 2nd love of my life (and not by my choice) I notice changes in the way I have matured. I was attracted to younger women in my early to mid 40’s, women much like my fiance, late 20’s, no kids, free spirited, but also mature with excellent morals and strong work ethics. Women that could plan adventures at the drop of a hat and had only a job to answer to.
As I read your article I saw myself in my younger days possibly being thrown out the window, early in the morn. I saw myself not being as involved with your children as you have to be. I saw myself in a failing relationship because of the stress that 2 people from different stages in their life may be at. I felt your wariness to bring a stranger into your children’s lives to possibly fall short of becoming permanent.
At some point it changed for me! I suddenly found myself attracted to the hustling , energetic, die-hard type of woman, one that has children…. yes, a mom. It’s the family life that I am attracted to. The love and soul that a woman pours into her children every waking moment, every restless night; the commitment, dedication and joy that fills her heart, fills mine.
I enjoy doing homework with the kids, lugging them to baseball practice, dance recital, helping cook meals, packing lunches and even doing the laundry (folding is a work in progress lol)! I love to teach, watching a child’s face light up when they finally succeed at casting a fishing rod or catching a pop fly. It’s so fulfilling to be able to help share the burdens of life with the one you love…. So heart warming for the whole family to snuggle up to popcorn and a movie or a crackling campfire asleep on your lap! What has happened to me?
I still love getting out and being wild, howling at the moon. But suddenly realized that my enjoyment comes from the enjoyment of others. I’m sure it is the process of maturity. So here’s my insight to you women that are trying to date, want someone to be part of your life, want to have that ‘true’ family feeling again.
1.Find a man that has been a good father, one that has managed to keep his past relationships as friends, one that may have been in love and been crushed (helps him to focus on the things that matter most to him).
2.One that knows how to laugh, socialize and be a man without being selfish, jealous or an ‘additional child’. Steer clear of men that can’t control their drinking, drugs or socializing!
3.Loosen up on criteria such as: his ‘not-so-hot’ body, him sporting a bad-ass Harley or even his lack of youth. Fit, active and sexy can be found in the late 40’s and 50’s. By that age a man has been taught how a woman should be treated and recognizes his love of family.
4. Most importantly…don’t let him fall in love with you first and be sneaking him in and out of your home, your bed. Treat him as a friend and allow your children to meet him that way also, before the displays of affection. Watch to see if he cares for your children, offers his assistance, goes out of his way to break his plans so that you may live yours. If your family matters most to you as almost every woman claims, then put his ‘family values’ first in your eyes. If he’s a good man and good for you, your love for him will fluorish <3
Thanks so much for sharing this Mark! Hats off…its good to know it’s not all lost. 🙂
Dang, you should be a writer if you aren’t already one. I felt like I was reading an article within an article!
This was so sweet; thank you Mark for sharing!
I sooooo needed to read this article…. Glad to know that I’m not the only single mommy that feels that way. It’s really hard to even make time for myself, let alone date…
Girl its a jungle out there for sure. So glad you liked it and could relate!
Great article. I am happy to say I found that new guy who actually loves just going to all the kids activities and award banquest, and dance recitals, and karate classes and sports practices, he just loves every minute of it… but the hard part is still to come… meeting everyone.
Yes. The meeting is epically horrifying, or at least it was for me. But it gets easier I think? haha 🙂
I know its not the most common but it is becoming more common for the dad’s to end up with custody and trying to find his way through the same things. I am a single dad of two, 7 year old boy and 10 year old girl. I have them 80% of the time and I pay 100% of the bills while also making sure we are at every lesson, practice or school event. I am the homework police, talk to your 10 year old daughter about sex and boys king. I get the crazy looks and the crazy questions about why a dad has custody. Let’s face it at our core women are the nurturers and men are the hunter and gatherers so trying to handle both situations is not easy and its hard. The only women you meet are the “dance mom’s” in the “dance waiting room” (or where ever you are) having their gossip sessions and you trying to play some crap game on your phone so no one will ask you where mom is and why you are always there. Let’s face it I do not want to tell you my life story so you can talk about me as soon as I leave. If you try and “meet” someone through social media you are a creep. Dating sites are filled with people who want to take over as mom or see you having your children all the time as a burden. I swear I am not bitter as I would rather sit at the kitchen table playing a game of Uno or Trouble or sitting in my plastic yard chair watching my kids ride their bikes up and down the street than sit with anyone else in the world at a restaurant, bar or whatever else is the “in” thing for singles to do on a date. The answer…. Give your kids a hug and a kiss, tell them you love them and enjoy the time you have because there are millions of parents that wished they could hug and kiss their child every night like we do.
Jeff thank you so much for opening your heart like that! You’re clearly a very special man for loving your baby girls the way you do 🙂
Holy cow, you just summed up my life. Wow. I’m sitting here alternately laughing and crying because this is so spot on. Honestly, my guy is wonderful and attends the kids’ events, helps with homework, and even babysits so I can have some “me time” or do an occasional “happy hour” with co-workers. I’m grateful but it’s still not easy. I guess nothing worth having ever is. Thanks for this article. It really was wonderful.
Thank you so much. I am so glad you felt like it resonated with you! And I agree; nothing is ever easy but nothing thats worth having is easily had so hang in there!
Spot on piece. Something this article doesn’t really talk about, perhaps because it was not your experience (and all of our experiences are different), is how dating is different if your marriage was abusive. Dating isn’t fun or exploring new freedom, at least it wasn’t for me. It’s a way to feel like you have value. After my divorce, I hooked on to the first man I met. He was very kind to me and my son, worked hard and wanted a longterm future. I knew we weren’t meant to be, and yet, because I had been married to someone who constantly reminded me I would never find another man to ever care about me again, I forced myself to stay in this relationship for TWO long years. I was afraid I would never be loved by another man again and so I felt I needed to make this work, even though I was bored and unhappy for the last year of it. That ended up causing a lot of pain in the end, and admittedly, it was my fault.
As for #5…I have actually never met my son’s stepmother, and my ex has never the man I’m with now. My man has said he has no desire to meet my son’s father, and I have to respect that.
My ex- husband was somewhat verbally abusive, but I am recently out of a relationship (not the one I detailed here, but one directly after it) where my partner was horribly verbally abusive to me. So much. I too am trying to heal from him and just thank the Lord above that we were separated by about 2 hours of distance so my kids never really bonded with him. Thank you for sharing your story!
I have no children myself and have dated lady’s with children. I thoroughly agree and enjoyed reading these blog. I have to say you have such a great attitude and outlook. Far better then I’ve seen. Good luck and God bless thanks for sharing
thank you so much! I assure you, my attitude falters much more regularly than I want it to. So glad, as a male, you enjoyed this and found it relatable. 🙂
Great post, and you obviously have a wonderful sense of humour and joie de vivre, so can’t believe you will be single for long! Based on previous comments here, I think the key is definitely NOT to rush into meeting someone new following on from a divorce. I know this is the one thing we all want to do, to find a replacement to our ex to fill the ‘void’ as quickly as possible, or to show or our ex hey yes we are still irresistible to guys out there….. even if he didn’t think so! And I have done this too following on from a painful breakup and ended up miserable, and going on pointless dates with pointless low worth guys. It was never going to work, and just wasted both out time, which I didn’t have.
I wish I knew now what i knew then!
I have researched this in depth, and believe there are key steps to recovering from a painful breakup. One of these that I always stress to my clients, is that you have to make a life for yourself first. You have to go get yourself happy,and not let your happiness be reliant on another. Why give someone else this control over you or this burden? You are responsible for your own happiness, so go find what you are passionate about, what you love doing, what your hobbies are. Get out there and create a wonderful life for yourself around these. Then you can let love into your life, a love which complements you rather than consumes you.