Pros and Cons of Bed-sharing

When I was pregnant, I was vehemently against our child sleeping in our bed. Since then, I have eaten those words a million times over, including last night.

Let’s define the differences between bed-sharing and co-sleeping: Bed-sharing is sleeping in the same bed and co-sleeping is sleeping in the same room. It’s as simple as that! I didn’t realize there was a difference until a little bit into motherhood; I thought all of it was “co-sleeping.”

The first five months of life, my daughter slept in a co-side sleeper, which was a dream. Then I went back to work and I was EXHAUSTED. I got up at 5am for work every day, pumped at 1am every night, and didn’t get home until 7-8pm due to my commute. Looking back, this was one of the most challenging times of my life because I love sleep and I NEED sleep. I am not one of those people who can thrive on a few hours — not now, not ever. So, it happened. I held firm the first couple months back to work, until I caved. It was then that I let my daughter come out of the co-sleeper and nestle into the crook of my right arm a few hours a night.

She never looked back.

This kid LOVES sleeping with other people, especially her mom. She’s 4 1/2 years-old now and would still sleep in my bed every single night if I let her. There are definitely pros to the arrangement, and most certainly cons, so I wanted to explore five of each that I have experienced (there are more on both sides that don’t apply to my experience):

Pros

1. Bonding

It’s no secret that for years and years, mother and baby have been drawn to sleeping and staying together through the night. The skin-to-skin contact is important immediately after birth and into the first year, as well as for breastfeeding. I was unable to nurse, but I breastfed exclusively through pumping, and had to do double the work throughout the night, so it was nice to not rush through that time to get her back into her bed. Once I went back to work, bedtime cuddles and sleeping together were all that I got with her, so I enjoyed them.

2. Better sleep for baby

To this day, my daughter sleeps 100% better if someone is lying down with her; she falls asleep faster and sleeps longer. I sleep better most of the time too, knowing she’s close and safe. I’m a very light sleeper with anxiety, so it doesn’t take much to wake me up or keep me up with worry, which was alleviated with her close to me. Few things wake her from sleep prematurely if she has someone lying with her.

3. Emotional health

I like to think of my daughter as a pretty happy kid and she always has been. There are a lot of studies around bed-sharing and how it improves the emotional health in a child in their social skills and day-to-day life. My daughter feels safe and loved because one of her love languages is touch, and that’s what she receives from bed-sharing, but every kid is different and may feel just as safe and loved in their own room and space.  

4. Convenience

There are countless articles floating around the internet on how to cope with bedtime routines and struggles. When sharing a bed every night, that’s never a problem. Our battle comes from getting in her own bed and staying there, not going to bed in general. Most nights, I would find myself just as tired and happy to lie down for the night at the same time.

5. Security

Ultimately, I always felt safer having us all in the same room, in the same space. I never had to worry if something was happening in the other room that I wasn’t privy to, no matter how light a sleeper or how good a guard dog we have.

Cons

1. Safety dangers

As should be very clear, there are definitely dangers with bed-sharing. I’m a tremendously light sleeper, so my daughter was never put between my husband and me, she was always on the edge, elevated, uncovered, and had our co-sleeper that was attached to our bed beside her, so she was never at risk of falling. I did a lot of research and used all my common sense in equipping us to do this safely, but there are always risks.

2. Difficult transitions and dependency

Getting my daughter out of our bed has been a chore. We started when she was around two. It worked for a little while, but not really. By three, we had a few nights a week in her room all night, but then she regressed. She still asks to sleep in my bed every single night, and as of this summer, has a toddler bed in our room. I’m not sure when she will feel dependent enough to sleep in her own bedroom, but I know this won’t last forever.

3. Lack of privacy

My biggest thing pre-pregnancy was that my daughter wasn’t sleeping in our bed because the bed is for my husband and me. I still believe this, and it is one of the primary reasons for transitioning her out. This is definitely something to consider and figure out before deciding to bed-share.

4. Bodily fluids

If baby vomits, everyone’s bed is ruined. If they pee through their diaper, everyone is soaked, not just baby. More work and less sleep for everybody. And yes, it absolutely will happen.

5. Poor sleep for parents

The older my daughter gets, the bigger she gets. We only have a queen size bed and she’s tall for her age. She likes to take up as much space as she can, and I can definitely feel the difference now that she’s older between when we all sleep together and when she spends the night in her own bed. While having her near keeps my mind at ease, it doesn’t always make for the best night of sleep. But neither does getting up at 2-3am every night when she wakes up crying, so it’s a choose your poison type of situation.

At the end of the day…at the end of this season, whenever that may be…ultimately I think I would bed-share again. I truly feel that bed-sharing allowed us to bond more deeply because I had to go back to work and I was unable to nurse, and I really cherish that time together. At the same time, there are many frustrating nights for both my husband and me where it would be nice if she slept in her room or her bed without a fuss. I tell new moms not to follow my example if you don’t want a baby in your bed forever, but I don’t think I would change a thing. I still love napping together and I’m happy to share my bed all night every once in a while.

As we’re often told, our babies are only little once. I know my daughter won’t be in my room or my bed forever, even if it doesn’t always seem that way.