I Will Not Let Fear Win



I Will Not Let Fear WinOur home has been hit with Coronavirus. We have not been tested, but the doctor said to treat it as if we had been and that it came back positive. My son and my youngest daughter have all the symptoms. It became obvious that this was more than a cold when my son woke up screaming that his chest hurt every time he took a breath. It was surreal when my husband had to wait in the car instead of the waiting room while they got a room ready at the local urgent care. They would not test my son because he had not been near a person that has tested positive for the virus and he had not been in a Coronavirus hotspot.

It is obvious to us that my son caught the virus at some point before our world imploded on Thursday, March 12 and Tennessee declared a state of emergency. His cough began the following Sunday; it was something we could no longer deny due to his difficulty breathing the following Saturday night.

Now we wait.

I cannot and will not go down the rabbit hole of fear. My children will be fine. But when I think about it, I am TERRIFIED for my husband and I am scared for me! My husband is a disabled veteran that was exposed to the burn pits in Iraq. I have no idea how the everlasting effects of that exposure will react to the virus. It could be nothing. It could be everything. I, on the other hand, have diabetes so I am part of the vulnerable populations. My husband and I are already coughing. It’s incredibly minor and something we would ignore if we were living normal circumstances, but these are not normal circumstances. When I am alone and start thinking about it, I can imagine myself inwardly collapsing in a corner and breaking down with racking sobs. I can feel myself close to doing that.

But this post, these words, will be the last time I talk about it because I cannot and will let the fear and panic take control. I realize that there is a possibility that at any moment, one of us — due to our health history — might have to be rushed to the hospital. It’s a very real and surreal possibility that this could be the last days I have with my three beautiful children. They do not know that my son’s cough and fever are the symptoms of Coronavirus. They do not know that our youngest has it as well.

I am not going to spend this time in our home surrounded by fear for any of us.

Instead, I will spend it with snuggles, and love, and reading, and board games, and art. I will care for my children and monitor our symptoms. I choose not to fuss at my children about clutter or things that do not matter right now. I choose to do this because if something were to happen to either my husband or me, I don’t want my children’s memories to be ones of fear and panic. Not yet at least. I have decided how we will spend these days while we wait to see if the worst outcome happens. I have chosen to not dwell on what the worst could be anymore. Once I am done typing these words, I will continue to have faith and pray that this will just be a blip in our family’s story, a tiny hiccup and nothing more.

After all, there is just as much of a chance that that will be the outcome instead, and that is where I will put my focus and energy.


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