Full House: 5 Reasons Big Families Rock

“So, are we tying your tubes today?”

It seemed like a rather innocuous question coming from the admitting nurse before my 3rd C-section.

“No, ma’am, not today,” I replied coolly. She looked up from her clipboard with a surprised stare I would see over and over again through the years.

“Really??” she almost gasped.

The nurse was only the first person that day to question my decision to leave my reproductive hardware uninhibited. The anesthesiologist and a surgical assistant both asked and responded with the same bewilderment. Never mind that I was only 26 and, in my mind, entirely too young to make such permanent decisions about my family. Everyone seemed so confused: why would anyone want that many kids?

We have all heard that oft-quoted (and probably inaccurate) statistic that the average American family has 2.5 kids. That little .5 is just enough for society to nod approvingly at the smaller, 2-child households while letting those crazy 3-kid parents slide by with little more than inappropriate offers to explain “how that happens” and endless comments on how full their hands are. So what about those with more?

Just a few weeks ago, I delivered my 4th little bundle of joy, and while that hardly qualifies us for a reality TV show, as one friend recently said, “4 kids is the new 10!” Large families are just in our blood: my dad is one of 9 kids, and my mother-in-law comes from a family of 17 children! (Yep, 9 and 17, same two parents each, all single births. Insane, I know.) A lot of people have valid concerns about having so many children, and I’m not here to debate that. But whether there are 4 or 14 kids, here are just a few reasons why big families are awesome:

1. It gets better.

You know how many people asked if I was tying my tubes before my 4th delivery? ONE. The admitting nurse. When I answered in the negative, she smiled. I’m one of those moms, apparently. For the first time ever, the lactation consultants were not knocking down my door trying to supervise breastfeeding. “This ain’t your first rodeo,” one joked. When the pediatrician was going over the standard newborn safety protocols, at one point he stopped and just said, “You’ve got this, right?” And yeah, I have got this!

While every child is different and requires a bit of relearning, you do get better at this mothering thing with experience. When my firstborn had a hacking cough, I rushed her to the ER for breathing treatments. (She didn’t get them because she was fine.) When my 3rd had a hacking cough from croup last fall, I rushed him to the steamy bathroom and then outside in the cool night air to calm his airways. (He immediately fell asleep, and we avoided the germy ER.) When my firstborn screamed for two hours on our first night home from the hospital, I cried and thought I was unfit to be a parent. When my 4th screams for what seems like forever, I calmly turn him on his stomach to relieve gas; I try to nurse him; I change his diaper; I swaddle him and whisper shushing sounds in his ear… I am calm, confident, and caring because I actually kinda know what I’m doing now. This ain’t my first rodeo, after all.

2. You’re never alone.

Sure, this one could be framed as a negative, but hear me out. There are plenty of benefits to the built-in playmates, such as using the bathroom by yourself, having big sister pitch the ball to little brother outside while you finish up dinner, or letting a “big helper” feed the baby while you handle the busted pipe in the kitchen. Eventually kids can sit at their own table at Chick-fil-A, making them feel super cool while you get to actually talk to your spouse. If your kids are close enough together, they can spy on each other at school or social events to help you stay on top of what they’re into. (Or if they’re really close, they can get into stuff together and make lifetime memories you couldn’t duplicate if  you wanted to.)

Let’s think loooong-term, though. We all know parenting is not just about the 18 years they are legally submitted to you or however many years they live under your roof. Being a parent is for life, and so is being a sibling. A few weeks ago, my precious grandmother passed away. As her health was failing, she had 9 children to share the burden of her care and the grief when she passed. Those 9 children also will forever share the experience of her memory, all the laughter and love that it brings. They’re not alone.

3. You have built-in friendships.

If there is one mantra our family is built on, it’s that family is forever. Think of all the classmates, best friends, lab partners, teammates, crushes, playmates, and other children you knew growing up. You have probably known hundreds, maybe thousands of other kids. How many of them are in your life now? (Facebook doesn’t count.)

Whenever my children fight – and fight they do! – the most important part of my intervention is reminding them that their siblings will outlast every other relationship in their lives. Even their spouses will have fewer years acquainted with them than their own siblings. As much as we can, we try to foster friendships among our children that will last forever. Because when I’m trying to remember the jingle from that crazy car commercial we saw 15,000 times during our vacation that one year, who could I call except my brothers? (For the record, it was called “Fixin’ ta Learn Ya with Cletus and Poot.” Thanks, Joe.)

4. Family gatherings are epic.

I’ll never forget my first Daniel Family Reunion. My newlywed husband and I traveled from Knoxville to Cincinnati, my mother-in-law’s hometown. The event was held at a park, the only location large enough to accommodate our crew. There were people everywhere. Tables were set up like a swap meet where family members brought items they no longer used and others could take whatever they liked. Pot luck dishes covered the picnic tables so we had to sit on the grass to eat. The playground was filled to the brim with children of all ages. There was a huge softball game and dodge ball game going on simultaneously. I waited over an hour to play corn hole because the line was so long – but the conversation was worth every minute. Several uncles or cousins or I don’t even know who brought guitars and had a gospel sing-along in the shade. There were so many people, so much noise, and so much love. All because we are family.

5. No regrets.

A few years ago I had a conversation with an elderly woman about motherhood and all its challenges. I was pregnant with my 3rd at the time, and this woman had raised two of her own. She asked if I was nervous about having another baby, and I said, “I’m sure it will be hard, but worth it in the end.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she smiled and nodded. “I always wanted to have another one,” she confessed. “At the time we were just so busy, and I didn’t think we could manage…” Her voice trailed off, filled with regret about a life not lived, a table setting unfilled, a space in her heart forever empty.

For all the pain and regret that comes with the inability to have children – infertility, miscarriage, abortion, or loss – I don’t want to make the choice against having a baby when I’m not 100% certain. I don’t know anyone who would say she regrets having one more child, even if that pregnancy was unplanned. Whether that child is the second or the seventeenth, whether the challenges are great or small, I never want to look at my family with regret. Now, there is certainly a time that many couples come to look at their family and think, yes, this is it, we’re done. And that’s fine! I may get to that point eventually, but right now I’m just not there. There’s nothing shameful about that.