Hey, you! Yeah, you. Stop talking about my friend like that.
She has her struggles, her quirks, her eccentricities, her imperfections, her shortcomings, but that doesn’t give you permission to treat her that way. In fact, those things are what you should be embracing. They are what make her, her.
Love her for who she is.
She has spent years trying to hide her flaws. Trying to be someone she isn’t. Hiding behind invisible walls. Setting unrealistic standards. Stuffing her thoughts and feelings. Diminishing herself. Equating worthiness with non-existent criteria. Losing self-confidence while blending in. Likely not even realizing she was doing this.
All around her people were going to great lengths to change their outward appearance, their weight, defy aging. It saddened her to realize that so many people don’t feel they are enough for whatever reason. She didn’t like hearing people talk so negatively about her friends.
One day, things started to shift.
Her children became tweens and teens. IYKYK, but basically, she found herself constantly under the scrutiny of her own kids. Everything she said or did became a cause of complete mortification at the children’s expense. Those rosy glasses they wore as young children became murky, skeptical, aware and critical.
Lucky for her, she had also hit the glorious stage of life where she had very few Fs to give. Comments that would have sent her into a tailspin just started to slide off her back. Self-deprecation made way for more accepting mantras. “She’s doing the best she can with what she has.” “It is what it is.” And most recently, “Love me for who I am.”
That’s right friend: She is you. She is me.
It would be so easy to sit and criticize these kids right back. Those awkward teen years full of braces, acne, greasiness, phantom odors, awkward behavior, social experiments. But of course we don’t do that. We see right past all of that and see their hearts. We see the babies they were and the glimpses of adults they will become. We celebrate their wins and help them grow through the challenges. We lift them up. We love them for who they are without question or hesitation.
We do this for our kids, our spouses, our friends, even strangers on the street. But we don’t do it for ourselves.
Love me for who I am.
Words I’ve always preached to them. Be yourself. Be proud of who you are. Don’t follow the crowd. Embrace what makes you unique. There is no one just like you. Don’t worry about what others think.
Words that I’ve always found so easy to apply to everyone else in my life but never to myself. Ever.
As I say it to them, I become aware of a shift inside. I realize that there are certain things about me that are not hurting anyone else and they aren’t going to change. I’m impatient waiting in long lines. I sing off-key but it still makes me happy. I over-think things. I’m reserved in large groups. I’m very protective of my loved ones. I’m never going to be tall. I could care less about the latest fashion trends or fads. I can be quirky or awkward in certain situations. I have high expectations and perfectionist tendencies, and will always be a work in progress. I could go on and on, and my kids would gladly add to this list. However, the shift is in the acceptance.
Most of us would never say half of what we say to ourselves to someone else. We are our own worst enemies. We lift our friends up and we see their beauty far more clearly than any flaws. So why is it so hard to do for ourselves?
I know my kids love me and their embarrassment is a rite of passage no matter how cool or uncool I am. I can only hope that responding to them “Love me for who I am” (which usually yields a sweet smile or chuckle from them) does as much for them as it has for me.
May they have that phrase as a reminder to embrace their own unique quirks and grant themselves the same grace they would others.
May it reinforce to them that they have their own personalities and those unique pieces are what make them who they are.
May they be as accepting of themselves as they are others.
May they not have to wait until the magical age where one stops letting things get to them so much and just accept themselves for who they are now!
So dear friend, love yourself for who you are. Love others for who they are. Be unapologetically you. Extend yourself the same grace you would others. Be kind to yourself. Accept the things you can’t or don’t want to change.
