A Divorced Kid’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays

You know the song, “Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother’s House We Go?” Isn’t it sweet? The family, in the sleigh, going to the matriarch of said family’s home? It makes you long for togetherness, for family time, for holiday traditions. For me? It makes me long for parents who didn’t get divorced when I was three (and again when I was five… but let’s not start down that confusing tale), forever making the holidays a jumbled rush of “this house/that house” and a scheduling disaster.

I’ve been figuring out the Divorced Kid’s Holiday schedule for most of my life now, and while there are some benefits (hello two Christmases!), there are certainly more, ahem, tricky times to navigate through.

So, without further ado I give you, “Over Chapman Highway, Across John Sevier, to Nana’s, Mamaw’s, Mom’s, Dad’s, I-40 to visit the in-laws, My Friend’s House in Sevierville via the Parkway, and eventually Home We Go,” or, A Divorced Kid’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays:

1. Planning is Key

Both sets of my grandparents eat Thanksgiving lunch at noon. A typical Thanksgiving involves me remembering who I actually ate dinner with the year before and to whose house I went to just hang out, and alternating that schedule accordingly. This is more important now that I have kids of my own, as each side wants to log time with them and my kids want to see their extended families as well. Christmas is less of a nightmare because since time began (aka the late 80s because: my birth) we have done Christmas on Christmas Eve with Nana (my Mom’s mom) and Christmas on Christmas Day with Mamaw (my Dad’s mom). When I was living at home still, I had Christmas morning at my Mom’s and then had Christmas evening with my Dad after the festivities at Mamaw’s house came to an end. Now, my parents bring my gifts and my kids’ gifts to each respective location and we all open them there to cut out on excess travel… you know… on top of the already excess travel.

Sidebar: Now that I am older and a lot of my girlfriends feel like family, I also have been invited to a few other homes for Thanksgiving supper around 6pm or so. Yes. Y’all counted right. I will eat three Thanksgivings if all goes as planned. Thursday, I will be found in the fetal position, on a Lay-Z-Boy, wearing leggings that are four sizes too big, in talks with “The Biggest Loser” on what coach I can have scream at me into wanting to shed the holiday pounds I will pack on. OK, that last part isn’t true… but I digress…

It is SO IMPORTANT to discuss the holidays far in advance and make sure everyone knows who is going to be where and doing what upon arrival. I don’t want anyone waiting on us to get to one location before they carve the turkey, for example, when I never intended to be at that location for dinner anyway. Making sure I let each side of the family know what I planned on doing and where we are all going to be at what time really allows for the smoothest holiday set up, with very little altering of my grandparents’ routines. After all, they are hosting more people than just me and my kids. However, knowing that I have more than one place to be has also yielded to…

2. Be flexible/Changing Traditions

A few years ago, I had a pre-Thanksgiving breakdown. Walker wasn’t even a year old yet, no one was sleeping, my ex-husband and I were toying with the idea of divorce (which came the following August), and we were all just trying to keep it together as best we could. I sat down at the table with my Dad’s parents and my Uncle for our weekly Sunday lunch when the holiday season was brought to my attention: “What’s the plan this year?” I was asked between bites of mashed potatoes. I. Lost. It. “I cannot do this anymore! I’m sorry but I cannot do this!” I sobbed. From 16 on, it had been my responsibility to basically make myself appear in two places at once. Then, at 26 and with two kids three and under in tow I was frazzled at the prospect of the upcoming holiday shuffle. That year, Mamaw did Thanksgiving brunch at 10am, and the tradition continued the following two years, allowing the kids and I time to eat and have time around the table at both houses.

This year, as Mamaw is in the final stages of Alzheimer’s Disease, we decided that Thanksgiving was going to be too much for her and my Grandpa, so they are cancelling it altogether at their house. They are going to have dinner at one of the restaurants open that day (shout out to Caitland and her awesome post about just this very topic) and my Dad and Step Mom plan to host a dinner at their house instead. As sad as this is for multiple reasons, it has taught us all as a family to be okay with traditions changing.

Being flexible could also mean Christmas comes over a long span of many days. Last year, my sons were with their Dads on Christmas morning, so we had our Christmas on December 26th, and honestly, it was really nice. No one was rushed. There was nothing we “had to” go do, and we stayed in our pajamas all day watching claymation movies and playing with all the loot from Santa. I’m sort of dreading this Christmas morning in comparison, because our Santa time in the morning will be tempered with time constraints of having to be at Mamaw’s by noon. But this Christmas will be even more different and rushed because…

3. Adding more into the mix

Nathan and I are getting married in August and y’all are all invited! Just kidding. Love y’all. Mean it. But food and booze are expensive.

Nathan and I are getting married though, and that means we have to figure out his traditions somewhere in all this mess of my traditions as well. We have been discussing many different holiday scenarios with his family who lives in Chattanooga, and all of them involve him making a sharp detour from the years before he and I were together and he really didn’t have big family obligations to cater to. Nathan loves my babies as if they were his own, so he and I have made a plan to basically uphold all of my family traditions for their sake and to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, then to go to Chattanooga the day after Christmas for Christmas on the 26th there. We are very fortunate this year that the 26th will be a Saturday.

For us divorced kids, it is IMPERATIVE to find a partner who is willing to deal with all the crazy holiday baggage of running all over town to accommodate traditions which may seem foreign to them. I have been with men who threw their hands in the air and left me to do holidays alone, which was just thrilling to explain to my family. Going back to the first point I made, communication is vital on all sides when trying to make the holidays as smooth and magical as possible. Well, until it isn’t…

4. New Traditions

We haven’t gotten there yet, but I know several friends who threw their hands in the air, said sorry not sorry, and went on to carve out their own traditions for the holidays. Part of me thinks they’re selfish, the other part of me whose left butt cheek is numb from all the car travel and who has eaten 16 deviled eggs in one day while peeling the kids off the ceiling because pumpkin pie four times over, thinks they may have this thing figured out. I’m nearly 30, Nathan is almost 41, and we have the conversation of “when is it our turn?” a lot. As much as I love my family and he loves his too, we SO want everyone to come to us. We also want to run away to a tropical island and eat Margaritas for Christmas dinner all alone, but you get what I’m saying, right?

I know the time will come when my both sets of my grandparents or my parents cannot host anymore, and I wonder what that will look like for all of us as one big blended family down the road.

For now though, in my silver “sleigh” with its collapsible third row for food and present transportation, over East TN in a huge hurry with over-stimulated children, to a million different houses I go… Happy Divorced Kid Holidays to all, and to all a good night!