Dear (Holiday) Single Mama,
How are you? I’m okay, I guess. If I’m being honest though, just between you and me, I wanted to ask you something: Are you sad this holiday season, mama? I am. Only a little I think; maybe some times more than others, but there’s just something about this time of year, huh?
Will you be waking up alone this year, mama? I will be too. Of course, I’m used to waking up alone most of the time; that comes with this newfound single territory, but I mean without-your-babies-alone? The kind of alone that creeps in like the morning sun through the blinds; the kind of alone that hits you slowly then all at once in your quiet house when it’s usually filled with so much noise. It’s his year this year, isn’t it, mama? The year you start explaining to family members that you’ll be flying solo at their celebrations, the year you tell everyone, “It’s fine” in a half-hearted attempt to tell it to yourself too.
I know, mama. I dread that speech all year.
Don’t let yourself feel too guilty that everyone has to wait on you to pick up or drop off before they can start eating dinner or opening gifts, mama. You have enough to worry about as it is. Speaking of, are you worried that one income won’t be enough to give your babies everything for which they asked? Oh mama, Christmas is so much more than a wish list and the endless commercials for unneeded stuff. I saw a funny thing on the internet about the holidays that said something like, “Don’t go into debt trying to buy gifts for people and if someone comments on your weight, eat them.” It’s true though, mama.
Those babies won’t remember what toys they got in 10 years’ time, but they will remember who was at their games, their school functions, and who tucked them in every night; it was you, mama. You’re such a gift to them all on your own (as cheesy as that sounds) and sometimes that, plus a few extras under the tree, has to be enough.
Can we talk about guilt again, mama, but guilt of a different kind?
It’s okay to see your happily married friends and be a little jealous, mama. Maybe the Good Book would frown a bit on coveting your neighbor, especially during this hallowed time, but it’s hard not to. I took vows with someone just like you, mama. I stood there with tears in my eyes and hope in my heart, and promised things that I guess neither one of us could make good on. Maybe you left or maybe he did, or maybe it ended before you had a chance to stand at that altar, but you didn’t want it this way, mama. No one takes vows with the intention to break them; and yet here you are, thinking about Christmases past when your relationship was going so wrong… I know what it’s like to fill my own stocking and buy my own gifts so the kids don’t ask questions about why Santa forgot the one person who worked so diligently for everyone else all year. I know what it’s like to perfectly filter a life on social media and pretend through teeth gritted so hard your head aches at night. At least you can live on your own terms now, mama.
Speaking of relationships, mama, are you bitter?
Please don’t be like I was for so long: jaded and cynical. Hearts are weird, I think; so easily broken and yet, so ready with time and with care to try again. This time of year can be magical for new beginnings if you let it be or perhaps you’ve found someone already, mama? Don’t feel silly for wanting something new, with someone better. Don’t let your fear of the unknown ruin it; I know that’s easier said than done. Let yourself watch him, mama, when he doesn’t know you’re looking. Let yourself stare from across the room and remember what it’s like to feel feelings you thought you had no desire to feel ever again as the seemingly smallest, mundane things endear him to you.
It’s okay to move forward, mama.
I know this is getting long-winded, so I guess I’ll wrap up. I’m sorry things didn’t pan out for you, mama, like you thought they would. There is so much beauty in you; in the ways you work so hard and so diligently for those babies you adore. I love this time of year, and I know you do too, mama, even if it might not look the same for you as it does for most everyone else. Maybe having it all just looks a little different in some houses than it does in others, because I know the joy you’ll feel when those little faces with their eyes aglow come running back to you on Christmas afternoon or night. Try to think of the good, mama, and keep your head up this holiday season. I know that’s what I’ll be doing on my end too.
All my love this holiday season my fellow single mamas,
Ashley
