Since becoming a mother, it has been important for me to have open, clear communication with my child. As parents, we practice to the best of our abilities no lying to our daughter. We try to be straightforward with communication and answering questions. We try to be open when we make parenting mistakes or in expressing how we are feeling. This sets the pace for her as she grows and learns by example what communication looks like.
But, she’s human. We all are.
Around age three or four, I started noticing my daughter’s reluctance to tell me things or share information with me. Why? Because she was afraid that I would be mad at her. Just because we practice honesty and transparency, doesn’t mean I always had a thumb on my temper and my annoyance. Sometimes, what she wanted or didn’t want to tell me were things that may have otherwise warranted a reaction, like drawing on something she isn’t supposed to. Other times, it was things that were just accidents, like potty accidents or knocking a cup of water over. In those situations, I would work to reassure her that we could talk calmly about it and it would be okay. Nonetheless, I still found myself doing so much coaxing that I was almost annoyed more by the situation of talking than whatever really happened.
It became clear that what we were trying to accomplish was failing. Fibs and half-truths were brought to light in struggling conversations over and over. No matter how nice or calm I was, we were lacking full trust. So I had to think of something new. This is where “blue paper” comes in. This blue paper is none other than a scrap of blue paper that was laying in my kitchen, that I cut into an oval, and on which we wrote “WE LOVE YOU.”
After another hard conversation, I presented the blue paper to her and told her that no matter what it was — big feelings, something bad, something small — all she had to do was bring the blue paper to one of us and we would listen and not be upset with her. This doesn’t mean there is no discipline, but the initial hesitancy to have the conversation and resulting frustration is eliminated. The blue paper not only reassures her that she has a safe place to express whatever is going on, but it also reminds us to keep our cool and not let whatever mood we are in dictate how we respond.
The blue paper hangs on the fridge where it can easily be found, where it can reminds us to talk and to be calm. I can’t predict what it looks like in the future, but the last couple of years with a simple piece of blue paper has been world-changing. My daughter brings it to me a few times a week, but I don’t mind because that means we are talking. I hope the blue paper hangs there for years to come…when we run into mean girls at school, first heartbreaks, bad grades, and personal struggles.
I hope that blue paper hangs for a long time and I hope it still means we’re talking and we feel openness, honesty, and safety in the love of our household.
Haley I really love this idea!