1.) Which lane to choose? Which lane to choose? If I choose self checkout, it will yell at me because my tortilla chips will show as an “unbagged item” and the red light will come on, making me look like a criminal. If I stand in a traditional grocery line, my kids will beat each other over the head with As Seen on TV products.
2.) Traditional line. Self checkout scares me. Let the War O’ Snackees commence.
3.) Hello, celeb mags. Wonder what Taylor Swift is up to these days. Ooh! Katie Holmes let her hair grow back out! Looks like Jill Duggar had her baby…wonder if we should have another baby…
4.) WHERE IS TITUS?! Guys have you seen Titus? Oh, there he is. He is just hiding behind the rack of gift cards. Hashtag third kid problems.
5.) I wonder if people use hashtags in their heads. Hashtag how awesome would that be?
6.) I really need another one of those EOS egg lip gloss thingies. Except someone told me that they found mold growing in theirs, but I really like using them. My lips are SO soft. I should just toss one in the buggy. What color should I choose? Oh, Christie, they all go on clear. Who cares?
7.) I am talking to myself in my head again. Hashtag no one can hear you so it is totally cool.
8.) Hang on a second. Didn’t I have a coupon for that cereal? Why does my husband request it every week if he says it tastes like horse feed? We don’t even have a horse!
9.) I have always wanted a horse. Once the boys get a tad older and can help me with the rest of the farm animals, we are totally getting a horse. One time when I was a kid, we grilled burgers at Gran’s house for the 4th of July. They were from my Uncle Dennis’ cow named Crazy. I ATE CRAZY.
10.) Ground beef from the store? CHECK.
11.) When I walked in, I put my keys in my purse. Or my pocket? WHERE ARE MY KEYS? Have you guys seen my keys?
12.) Whew. They are hanging on that rack of gift cards. I love gift cards. Then you can shop for whatever you want and you don’t have to worry about returning a gift and hurting someone’s feelings. Remember when they were called gift certificates? And they were on a piece of printer paper? Those were the days.
13.) Okay, the line is finally moving. Can you guys help me unload the groceries from the buggy up here? Yes, that’s great! No, those are not diapers for Mommy. Stop yelling it! They are…I don’t know, lady products? Just grab something else instead.
14.) EASTER CANDY CLEARANCE. Hang on ma’am. These Reese’s Eggs are vital to my mental health after surviving this store trip.
15.) WHERE IS TITUS?!
16.) Should I pay with debit card or cash? It seems like I get a letter in the mail once a month saying my information has been potentially compromised. Stop it, hackers! You don’t want to be me, trust me on this. My net worth is comprised of approximately $5 that was washed and found wrinkled in the dryer and a pack of Easter candy I just purchased. I never carry cash. If I did I could be robbed. So to be robbed or hacked? That is the question.
17.) Okay, did I go to high school with her? Yep. I did. I don’t think she cared much for me…
18.) Hi! How are you? I’m doing well. Husband is great. Yes, we have three kids now! Hang on a sec…
19.) WHERE IS TITUS?!
20.) Parking lot. Hallelujah. Maybe I should grow my hair long again. I mean, Katie Holmes and I totally have the same bone structure. We are practically twins. Aside from her whole Church of Scientology thing. And my acne scars. Thank you, adolescence. I wonder why that girl didn’t like me in high school?
21.) OKAY, WHERE IS MY VAN? And where did these packs of gum come from? Let’s load the groceries and go back inside and pay for these. Did I even get those tortilla chips for the salsa? We will use the SELF CHECKOUT THIS TIME.
Sister girl, I love this. And I totally use hashtags in my head.
Meg 🙂
I love reading your grocery store thoughts… Mine are always so similar… Especially about where one child is…
And yes, I too totally do hash tags in my head!!
Grear post…. I can particularly relate to number 13. No, they are NOT diapers for mommy!
Haha. When my daughter was around three years old I took her in the bathroom with me because I need to change. I asked her to look at the sign on the wall and read the letters to me. She turned around mid change and said “Mom! You pooped in your diaper? I don’t get to wear a diaper!” I was trying to nicely shush her and explain it’s not a diaper or poop while trying to hurry and get out of there. She looks again and shrieks “It’s blood! Oh no! You have a booboo on your butt! Lemme see!” Meanwhile the other women in the bathroom are cracking up, the one right next to me is laughing so hard she passes gas and my child yells “Mommy, that lady pooped her pants. Give her a diaper!” I was so mortified I started laughing hysterically and couldn’t stop. Tears rolled down my cheeks and she panicked thinking I was crying, so she starts crying, which only made me laugh even harder and the more I laughed the worse it got. It took a couple of minutes for me to stop laughing long enough to tell her I was fine and to calm her. I felt horrible, but her face was absolutely priceless.