I can vividly remember the day B’s father let me know he was seeing someone else. While I was still healing from our split and ready to move on, I was extremely hurt. I can remember meeting the other woman for the first time, the one that would be around my child now too, the one that would be showing her affection now, too…
Maybe I was jealous that her father was moving on. Maybe the thought of another woman loving my child and being seen as another mother rubbed me the wrong way. Whatever the reasoning, I wasn’t okay. There were so many emotions running through my mind and overtaking my heart:
Jealousy.
Audacity. The audacity of her loving my child.
Anger.
Hate. Strong word, but I was feeling some strong emotions.
Fear of being replaced.
Is she better than me?
Will B love her more?
Will B call her mom?
I can remember speaking to the other woman for the first time. I shared these fears with her. I was honest. I described what I was okay with and definitely not okay with. Our conversation was good. She was a mom and she had a daughter too. She understood my pain and fears. She assured me that everything would be fine and I believed her. We laughed, joked even. She asked me questions about B’s dad and his family, about mine, and what my vision of parenting would be like. But somewhere along the way, things became not good between us and I take some of the fault in that.
I’m sure it was hard to like me when I was fighting with B’s dad all the time. And I’m sure it was hard to like me when I kept B away for a little while. And I’m sure it was hard to like me when anytime I saw a photo of her and B I lost my marbles.
I moved to Knoxville, away from B’s dad and his new lady. I started over. I met a man that I fell head over heels in love with. He loved B greatly, treated her like a princess, treated her how he treated his little girl. That’s right; my new man had three kids and now I was the other woman.
Yep, mommas, I had become the other woman. The woman that would love the children because she loved him. I became the woman in question. And it wasn’t until I saw my current boyfriend’s ex’s behaviors that the light clicked. She probably felt the same way I had. My heart hurt; not for me, but for the woman who had loved B so much, whose life I had made incredibly difficult.
I’ve learned something from this and it’s become something that I feel so passionately about now.
Extra love is okay. It’s actually better than okay. Why would a loving parent want to deprive their child of someone who loves them, cares for them, and wants the best for them? Nowadays the more people that love my sweet little B, the merrier!
Talk about your boundaries with a new co-parent. If it’s serious enough for them to meet your children, then talk with them seriously about your concerns and boundaries. They cannot fix what they do not know! Have a nice coffee date with them, share your feelings, listen and come up with a plan together. For women it’s especially important to support one another!
If this person treats your kid well, loves them, buys them things, and your kid loves them back, GET OVER YOURSELF. Don’t be selfish and create issues for your child. Your child should never feel guilty about loving someone who is genuinely good to them. If you make it difficult or treat the woman badly because you’re jealous, then shame on you! The child comes first, always.
I wish someone had told me to get over myself in 2016. Seriously. I missed out on so much, as did B and her dad because of my behavior. I regret it. I hope that one day B’s dad’s girlfriend and I will be able to have lunch so I can apologize to her.
I hope one day I can sit down with my boyfriend’s ex and let her know that I understand her situation and that my goal is to raise well-rounded children within a blended family, children who are never afraid to talk about their mom and who are never afraid to talk about us in front of their mom. Children who understand that even though their mom and dad have split, they never have to choose. I’m doing that with B and want all the children in my life to feel just as loved and comfortable.
Not every family situation is like this. We have it fairly easy, while some families do not. Some families have much bigger issues that I cannot fathom and this is not an option for them and that’s okay. But if this is an option for you, I ask you to consider your child’s feelings and the type of example you want to set.
Great read!