Terrible Twos? Try Threenagers!

Threenager: a person age 3 years old possessing the attitude and demeanor of a teenager. 

Threenagers are sneaky. They are smart and creative. And just plain evil. It is mind boggling sometimes to think about the words that spew out of their mouths or to watch their schemes play out. And the sass. Oh the sass. I like to tell myself that the sass associated with being a threenager is just a sign she is going to be someone someday. She will grow to be a strong, bold woman that will better society because of it. Until then, her attempts at getting me committed to a mental institute are becoming better and better everyday.

Do you have one of these crazy creatures inhabiting your residence? Let me share with you a few warning signs that you may indeed be housing a threenager.

• Trying to parent your three year old is now much like attempting to house a feral cat.

• The independence you had been wishing for has arrived and now has left you regretting your wishes. The “all-by-myself” phrase drives you to wits end when you’re in a hurry to get out of the house in the morning and what once seemed to be a chore to do for them has now become straight torture to wait for them to do it “all by myself.” And don’t you dare help them to try to speed them along as that always backfires and you will have to wait for them to start back at the beginning.

• If food is altered in any way, it no longer tastes the same. Perhaps your American Kraft cheese slice ripped in half; it then obviously becomes inedible. Or perhaps the hotdog touched the corn. It, too, is ruined. And all food alterations require major meltdowns. I mean MAJOR.

• The thought of engaging in the choosing of clothes ordeal makes you want stay in PJs and never leave the house for eternity…man, do I dread this time of morning and night. Who knew how incredibly difficult it would be to choose an outfit to wear? In addition, now all of those cute purchases go to waste as they insist on wearing the same shirt, or dress, clean or dirty, day in and day out.

• They will no longer respond to their names given to them at birth. And good luck ever guessing the correct character to call them because just when you thought you had them figured out, that name became sooo last week, or even last hour for that matter.

• Their sleep schedule turns into one of classic teenager life. You have to quit scheduling early morning playdates because now they are sleeping at those “normal” toddler play hours and you don’t dare wake the bear, I mean sleeping angel. Some days you have to wake them up in order to squeeze in a quick breakfast before it is officially lunch hour. Come night time, you start fighting to stay awake just to get them to sleep before you.

• You are now the one being calmed. All of those times that you shouted out “Be careful!” and “Watch out!” are now being answered by your threenager with things like “Chill out Mom!” and “Mom, relax! I’ll be fine!” and “Mom, you have to get it together.” This started way earlier than I ever imagined!

• You will receive the most ingenious replies when asked to do things like put their toys away or clean up their markers, replies including things like “My legs are sleeping.” “You must bow down when you talk to me.” “I need a snack first because I don’t have enough energy to lift that puzzle.” Oh the words we eat…

• You now have world’s youngest back seat driver, one who has no knowledge of the road other than green means go and red means stop. But I’ll tell you what, you better go no matter what the situation if there is a green light anywhere in sight, your stop light or not, or you will be reprimanded!

• You will be ignored, over and over. When you ask a question 5 times and then finally say, “I’m talking to you!” you will get the reply “I know.” Oh, the audacity!

• You will go to bed frequently with guilt. When they list all of their avoid-bedtime excuses, you will go to bed questioning if any were actually true or whether they were all just excuses. These pajamas are too itchy. You’re making me go to bed hungry. I need to pee (again for the 8th time in 20 minutes). I’m going to throw up. I’m allergic to that blanket. The list goes on. And on. And the guilt they provoke wondering if any of these things may be true can leave your mind spinning!

Prior to having children, I had always heard about the terrible twos and oh how terrible they were. It wasn’t until I was already pregnant and about to birth my first child when someone finally mentioned the dreaded word: threenager. I laughed. You laugh. But you just wait! If you are there now or you have been there already, you get it. If you have not, you better hold on to your seat sister because you have a heck of a ride coming! I was lucky enough to be given a warning, but no one and no story can warn you enough for this experience. I can’t wait to look into the future and laugh about this one day, but for now, I will cry and beg and plead for a miracle on my child’s 4th birthday. While she is my favorite little girl and full of “I love you Mama” whispers, contagious laughs, and witty jokes, she is certainly a threenager.

UPDATE: She has since turned 4…no one has run away yet (myself included) and I must say, we have seen more and more glimpses of hope that her threenager years are ending so hang in there! Their affectionate, innocent, courteous little selves will indeed return soon!

What are some of your favorite signs that you have your own threenager? Be sure to comment below to share your stories!