Imagine winning the lottery. Ecstatic, overwhelmed, feeling like the luckiest person on the planet, and you can’t believe it’s actually happening to you. It’s a dream come true.
Now imagine twelve weeks later, you are told there was a mistake, and you have to give what’s left of the money back. You might feel a little like you just had your heart ripped out of your chest.
That is probably the most accurate description I can think of when trying to describe what it’s like for a working mom to return to work after having her baby, and it still falls very short. Maybe that’s not the case for all moms, as I know there are definitely some moms out there that very much enjoy their role in the work force, and I expected to be one of them. Prior to having my daughter, I would have laughed if you had told me I would want to be a stay-at-home mom.
But after only five glorious, love-drunk weeks with this remarkable human being, I was in no way prepared to spend 40 hours a week away from her. But I also wasn’t prepared to walk away from an amazing job opportunity that afforded us the necessities that my husband’s job couldn’t provide, such as insurance, 401k, and many other benefits.
After weighing the heart-wrenching decision with my husband, we made the choice for me to return to work. And if that decision wasn’t hard enough, we then had to find a childcare provider we trusted with our lives; our daughter, after all, was now our life.
But deciding to go back to work and choosing a daycare or babysitter still cannot possibly prepare you. They cannot possibly prepare you for that first morning of packing the diaper bag while tears stream down your face or desperately clutching your daughter to your chest before handing her over to a stranger. The guilt is indescribable, and the heartache, unbearable. But that pain and guilt, is only temporary, while providing my child with a better, happier way of life—that’s permanent.
I’m sure any working mom would agree that you still have your occasional mornings with tearful goodbyes, and the guilt never truly goes away. Even though it pains me to leave her some days, I know she is in great hands with wonderful teachers. There are even times when I walk into her room to pick her up at the end of the day, and she’s too busy dancing or playing to be bothered with me. Believe me when I say it, it really is a good feeling.
After returning to work, the other thing I’ve come to appreciate is how we make the most of our time. When the weekend hits, it’s officially go time. Trips to the zoo, splash pad tours, a romp in the park—we put the quality in quality time. At the end of the day, as long as she’s a happy kid, that’s really all any parent could ask for.
How did you handle your first time leaving your little one? What activities do you do to make the most of your time together?
Everything you said is so true!! I have an almost 5 month old and I went back July 31 ( work in education). Even though I know she is in amazing hands it’s still so hard to let her go. Feels like half my body or arm is gone. I make sure in the evenings to spend time with her reading, playing on the floor, etc…On the weekends we try to take walks around the neighborhood and , my favorite, taking her to Market Square with me just to walk around and shop 🙂
you captured it perfectly! Thanks for writing this!