Parenting From The Sidelines

Parenting from the sidelines… Sounds awful, doesn’t it? If you are one of the many wonderful hands-on parents who is involved in every aspect of your child’s life it likely sounds downright daunting. No one wants to sit out — we want to play. We want to be in the game!

However, when you really step back and think about it, isn’t that what we are working towards anyways? We spend the early years teaching essential life skills, instilling values, encouraging them, showering them with love so that they are confident, self-sufficient, kind, intelligent, well-adjusted people. We transition from hovering over their every move to gradually taking steps back: first sending them a few days per week to preschool, then elementary school, continually adding more independence as they grow (biking to a friend’s house, sleepovers, dances, etc.), praying they make good decisions as they enter high school and venture into adulthood.

The older they get, the more sidelined we become. We are always there, cheering them on, teaching them whenever we can, but we have to accept that this is their game. This is their life. Our role is to be their biggest supporters and to make sure they know we are always there throughout all of life’s wins and losses.

What better way to practice sideline parenting than during sports season! Since you will literally be on the sideline anyways, consider these tips that are equally applicable to sports and life in general.

1. Think Before You Scream

As someone with experience being both embarrassed by an overly vocal parent as well as a coach, I can’t stress this one enough. Before you protest a call or yell at the coach or official, ask yourself this: Is the child affected by the call or the play? More often than not, they are still there smiling, happy-go-lucky just to be there with their teammates.  Obviously, the same applies to life. Before yelling at your kids, take a breath, collect your calm and figure out what it is you really want to say.

2. Don’t Be a Fair Weather Fan

It is essential that your child knows that whether they are winning or losing, succeeding or failing, making good choices or poor, you are there for them. When they are older and you spend the majority of the time on the sidelines, they need to know that they can come to you about anything and that you will remain their biggest supporter.

3. Encourage

People thrive on positive reinforcement. Pointing out their mistakes and failures on and off the field is far less effective than acknowledging their strengths and successes. Be constructive with criticism and help them grow.

4. It Doesn’t Matter If You Win Or Lose, It’s How You Play The Game

Come on, you knew it was coming… There is a reason this phrase is so over-used: it’s the truth! I’m not talking college or pro-level here. I’m talking youth sports. If your child is so focused on winning, they will soon lose sight of playing the game just to have fun. They will become frustrated with any error and not enjoy playing if they are going to lose. And they eventually will. You can’t win everything in life. Teaching them to play and go with the flow early on will reap great rewards in the future. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t teach them to try their hardest and continually improve.

5. Withhold Judgment

Rather than focusing on number of goals scored, races won, batting averages, etc., keep your compliments vague. Saying “I love to watch you play” or “I enjoy seeing you so happy out there on the field.” This reminds them that you value THEM, not their abilities on or off the field.

6. Let the Coaches Coach

Your coaches (teachers, child-care providers, etc.) are generously sharing their time and expertise to be with your child. During the game, school day, etc., let them do their job. If your child makes an error that you think should be corrected, work with them at home to help them do better the next time. At the game, in front of their friends and other people, is not the time to try to teach them something new. That’s why practice is called practice. (Of course if your child is in danger, jump off the sideline just as you would in any real life situation. We are there to support them, #1.)

7. Use Teachable Moments

Games are a time to play and use what you have learned. Take note of things to work on and do so at home. If your child loses their temper during the game, sit down afterwards and discuss how to do better the next time. If they struggle with a particular skill, work with them to overcome it. If they make a poor life decision, let them learn from their mistakes and help guide them to do better in the future.

8. Stay Positive

Cheer for your child. Cheer for his/her teammates. Support the coaches. Offer to help. The more positive you are, the better the experience for your child.

9. Let Them Do Their Thing

They’ve practiced and prepared for this, now let them do it on their own. You eventually let go of their hand so they could walk, you dropped them off at childcare or left them with a babysitter. You may have shed a few tears, but you let them walk into their first day at a new school. You have worked hard and given them the tools to have the strength and confidence to do this. Now let them get out there and live and have fun.

Parenting is arguably the most important job you will ever have. Be involved. Teach them everything you can. Be a great role model. Be there for them. Support them. Then accept that sometimes you just have to unfold your chair, sit back, and watch how it all plays out.

As long as your child always knows you are there on the sidelines, you will always be a key player in their game.