My husband and I are very different in a lot of ways. That’s not surprising. Most people live happily ever after with someone who isn’t exactly the same as them. One distinct way that KJ and I are different is in our ability to look towards the future. He has a great ability to look forward to things in the future, and I simply do not. I don’t necessarily feel like this is a bad thing, but at times I do feel like I lack some of the life excitement that he is able to experience by looking forward to things.
Will this change about me? Will I ever be able to look past the day-to-day?
I often wonder if it’s a mom thing, a Type A thing, or if it’s just a me thing. Why can I not look forward to a trip we are taking in September with the boys? Why can I not plan ahead for a big cruise our whole family is taking in November? Yes, I can talk about it just fine, but why has the rest of my family ordered everything needed for it and I just simply cannot get my brain to go there and think about it until we get closer?
I think as moms, maybe Type A moms, we live in a state of day-to-day survival.
I am solely speaking for myself. I realize all moms are not like this, but I think I’ve just come to accept the fact that I am. Kid’s birthday party on Friday? I’ll get the gift Thursday night. Big party I need to make food for on Monday? No way I can plan for it the weekend before. I’ll prep Sunday night. Date night next week and KJ asks if I’m excited for it? No, I’m not. I will be excited for it that day when I get home from work and start to get dressed for it. Does that make me a Scrooge? At times, I feel like I steal everyone’s joy because I can’t anticipate their joy with them.
What brings me joy?
Checklists bring me joy. Accomplishing tasks on a day-to-day basis brings me joy. Getting it “all” done brings me joy. And I do get it all done. I rarely forget things, I am rarely late to things, and I do enjoy the events in the moment. The events bring me joy. The trips bring me joy. The date nights bring me joy.
My joy just happens to be in the moment, and I think that’s ok for right now.
One day, I’ll be able to plan things months in advance because my calendar won’t be filled with kids’ events and appointments. One day, I’ll be able to pack for a trip a few days prior because I won’t have piles of laundry waiting to be done. One day, I’ll be able to enjoy a spontaneous happy hour date right after work because I won’t need to line up a babysitter weeks in advance. One day, I’ll still operate on checklists, but I’ll throw them to the side when my grandbabies need me because by that point in my life, I will no longer be living day-to-day and moment-to-moment. For now, though, I am. For now, I not only run the schedule for myself, but really for all five of us. How many schedules do you mentally run? It’s really a superpower if you think about it.
