Mourning Home: The Raw Truth About Being A Stay-At-Home Mom

I just read something that caused me to reflect and dive in. It was a challenge to do 28 days of no yelling in order to shift into a space of healing. The article opened with the notion of a first-time mom grappling with the reality of motherhood and how the reality of becoming a parent really hit her hard…how she built up resentment, how her identity changed…

Every bit of it resonated with me.

I recently realized that being a parent — especially a stay-at-home mom — is a slow journey of understanding how the idea of “home” shifts once you have little ones. What “home” used to mean has transformed, at least for now, with kids in the mix.

Home when you’re single or without children used to mean coming home to relax and unwind from the world, lounging around, and doing whatever I wanted. As a stay-at-home mom, a parent, and especially as a work-from-home parent, I’ve come to realize that this is no longer the case.

I had to come to terms with the fact that as a parent, when I wake up for the day at home, I immediately have to run a tight ship of taking care of not only myself, but also little people. Making sure they have everything they need in terms of what to eat, what to do to to keep busy, and also cleaning up behind them, styling hair, making sure they have good hygiene, teaching them how to keep themselves safe, reading to them, educating them, entertaining them, getting them to their appointments or lessons or to playgrounds or getting to wherever else we’re going. And oftentimes, waking up in the middle of the night for feedings or because someone had a nightmare or because someone fell asleep before bedtime and is now wide awake at an odd hour etc., etc. Whew.

So I have to honestly admit that I do carry a bit of resentment because I dreamt of becoming a mom without much thought behind it, and I probably should’ve asked more questions. That’s not to say that I regret anything, because of course I LOVE having children and love how big of a blessing they are to my life, and I even love being a mom. Yet, the two things can be true. I can love my kids with everything in me and still mourn the reality of how home as I once knew it has forever been changed.

It’s taken me a while to fully grasp that as a parent, my days are spent juggling the constant demands of managing the house and taking care of the kids — whether it’s meals, dishes, laundry, baths, cleaning, shopping, playtime, educating, doing hair, or just keeping them safe. I definitely made the choice of becoming a mom (and stay-at-home mom) uninformed about what all I’d truly be sacrificing. And mourning the loss of a good night’s sleep, the kind I used to know — 7 or 8 hours of uninterrupted rest — until my little one finally learns how to sleep through the night.

I wish I had known how the reality of what I call home will be forever changed, how I can no longer just lounge around at home whenever I want to or even need to, how now for my own sanity, relaxation and self-care has to be planned out and coordinated with everyone’s schedules. As a woman and a mother, feeling rejuvenated I’m learning is non-negotiable in order to maintain peace in the home. Especially now that home is a work zone 24/7 until the kids are finally in bed or at school or have childcare, and if I’m not splitting that little free time having quality one-on-one time with my husband. 

Coming to terms with the fact that I need to run a tight ship in order for my day to go smoothly so things can get done around the house, so everyone can get what they need…The reality is that home is now work and I’m not “off” until the kids go to bed, and even then I’m on call.

Figuring out who I am now in this stage of my life has been challenging. 

So yes, I’ve yelled at times when I’ve had resentment about my parenting life and on days when I wasn’t feeling relaxed or rejuvenated. However, I am finding myself again. I’ve learned that making the choice to consciously take great care of myself is a positive step forward in my mental health. Whether that means waking up before everyone else to have extra time in my morning routine or getting a maintenance day blocked off in my calendar regularly where I can get a massage, a facial, nails or whatever else done, even catch a solo movie.

Inch by inch and everything’s a cinch. Just taking it a step at a time. Self-care is so important these days. From one stay at home mom to another.