For most of my life, I would not have considered myself a very brave person. I am a chicken when it comes to a lot of scary stuff. I am not a fan of heights, snakes, or tight spaces, and I have a fear of germs that probably borders on a full-blown phobia. I even take medication to help me manage my anxiety. But since becoming a mother, I have noticed that I have in fact become a braver person.
For me, the journey to becoming brave started with the decision to have kids in the first place.
Growing a life that you are responsible for takes courage. It’s equal parts scary and exciting to become a mom. Then, when I found out I was having twins, I had no choice but to be brave again. Once my babies were here, I had to be brave and take them home even though I felt anything but ready. No mom can forget the drive home from the hospital and the anxious anticipation you feel. Even though I can barely remember those first few sleep-deprived months, I remember so many times having to be brave and trust my mom-gut to make the right choices.
I had to be brave to recover from the moments when I made the wrong decision or felt like a failure. To be able to move on and try again or to ask for help when I didn’t want to took courage. There was a lot of me having to fake bravery until my confidence as a mom grew. I had to be brave every time we left the house, not knowing how it would go or how my babies would act. It took bravery to take them to church, the grocery store, or even the doctor because I was risking something going wrong.
It took bravery every time my babies got sick to not panic and trust that they would get better. I had to especially be brave when one of my girls had two PICU stays within the past year with pneumonia and had to be put on a ventilator. Those were moments when I felt scared, but I had to pretend to be brave for her sake.
Motherhood has forced me to set a good example, even when I may lack courage.
I want to be a mom who raises brave, confident girls who aren’t afraid to try new things. This means I have had to face a lot of my own fears. Lately, this has involved me completing a ropes course, giving a talk in front of a large crowd, and letting my girls be exposed to more germs than I am fully comfortable with. I have even sucked up my fear of snakes (mostly), so they haven’t had to miss out on places like the zoo.
As my girls have gotten older, it has taken a different kind of bravery to let them be independent and try things on their own. Things that I am not scared to do with them terrify me when they do it alone. I will never forget watching my uncoordinated toddlers play on a playground and letting them try the tallest slide even though I was worried they would fall. Or the first day of kindergarten, when they walked so bravely into the school. I felt so scared watching them go, but I had no choice but to let them. Every time I practiced this sort of bravery, I was glad I did it because their confidence grew and so did mine.
As time goes on, I know my bravery is going to have to grow even more. Their teenage years are going to be full of moments when I know I will have to be brave when I don’t want to be. Driving, dating, college, and a whole long list of other things I probably haven’t even thought of will come up. I will have to be brave and let them learn, grow and sometimes make mistakes.
