I thought I was prepared for Motherhood. I had babysat/nannied for more than 10 years before I became a mom. I even experienced the “new mom” phase when my own mother had my two younger sisters in my teen years (I was 15 and 17, respectively). I saw the morning sickness, helping my mom cook and shop when she was too nauseated. I learned much more about childbirth than I ever really wanted to know when one of my sisters was born 13 days late and a very big baby (meconium, shoulder dystocia, and perineal lamps provided lots of learning material). My sisters were four and six when I moved out, so you’d think I had plenty of practice. And I was prepared for the child-CARE part of motherhood.
But ask any mom (at any stage), and she will tell you that nothing can prepare you for full-on motherhood. There are so many aspects that you just can’t truly understand until you’re there. The worst for me was the sleep deprivation, as I’ve always been a sleeper. I completely understand now why it’s considered a form of torture!
The other thing that really surprised me was the responsibility of having another human being completely dependent on you EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. I was so excited (and drugged after a C-section!) leaving the hospital with my first. It was only a few days later that it really hit me that I was responsible for this whole other person’s survival! And each time I had another, I was still amazed at the fact that I was leaving the hospital responsible for one more life!
That aspect of motherhood is part of what causes us moms to burn out and become overwhelmed very easily. As a military mom, I gave birth to my first child overseas, and the first few years of my motherhood journey were essentially alone and without a real support network. Even when we moved back to the US before #2 was born, we still lived a 10+ hour drive from my parents and 12+ from my in-laws, so visits and help were rare. In those days, I learned several things that were LIFE-SAVERS in the mental health area, and I’d love to share some of what worked for me.
Most of my suggestions are based on things that I am able to do on my own while the kids are with me, without childcare, or on the cheap. Popeye has a very hectic schedule between meeting with clients (often during evenings/weekends), and also serving as a Reservist one weekend a month and two weeks a year. We are also on a tight budget, as he’s still getting settled in his career, so I try not to spend money if I don’t have to.
Childcare Options:
Do NOT be afraid to ask for help.
Trade with other moms – nobody understands better than another mom why you need alone time to run errands, go to appointments, or heck, just to use the bathroom without an audience (can I get an AMEN?!?)!
If you’re able, use a sitter – I realize this may not be an option financially. But even if you have to save up for those few hours of child-free time, don’t feel you have to explain yourself!
Time for Mom:
A hot bath – Several times, after the kids go to bed, I have drawn myself a hot bath. I will sometimes read a book, turn on music, or just sip on a glass of wine or other drink while soaking. The quiet moments are rare, so I try to make use of them. Luckily, I have a husband who is well aware of the sanctity that is a hot bath, and encourages alone time when I’m able to take one.
Working out – We tried one of the cheap gyms, but I have found that waiting for a break in Popeye’s schedule so he can watch the kids just isn’t feasible. So I recently got my own membership to a gym that has childcare, and it’s worth just that little bit more each month. Even working around the 1.5 hour max rule (really, that needs to be changed, stupid state laws), my gym time has become something we all look forward to. It doesn’t hurt that the kids’ area has a ball pit, slide, and xBox!
Read a book – One of the most common problems, Moms rarely read anything non-parent-related. It took me a long time to give in, but I love my Kindle! And now there are ways that you can read on your computer, phone, and tablet without even buying a book! Read that classic you’ve always wanted to, or even that trashy romance novel, anything that takes your mind away from the present will feel like you got away even for a few minutes.
Try a new recipe – I love to cook. Sometimes I give us all what we want, and make the kids PB&J sandwiches for dinner, then try out a new recipe for the adults! It reminds me of when I had the time to try new things.
Gardening – I am a huge proponent of bringing the kids in on this one. My kids love gardening. And they have tried a few new things because they helped grow them. Bonus: teaching our kids where our food comes from, and how to care for living things.
Have a regular night out – I have a friend from church that I meet on Wednesday evenings for discipleship. It is a standing appointment, so Popeye knows he has bedtime duty on those nights. I can’t tell you what it’s like knowing that I can have real adult conversation and focus on me and a friend.
Take a nap – at least once a week, I ignore whatever “I need to do” and take a nap while Monkey #3 naps. The older two are told to read or find something quiet to do, or I may even have them lay with me. I rarely regret these naps. I am usually recharged afterward, and able to get more done those afternoons than most entire days!
Night time routine/GO TO BED – similar to the last one, make a point to have a nighttime routine to prep for the day ahead, and then go to bed at a decent hour. Getting the sleep you need will go far in keeping you on the right track mentally.
Involve the Kids:
Taking time to think of your own mental health doesn’t have to mean time away from the kids, though that time IS important. If you just can’t get time alone, involve the kids in things you’re doing. Just as you can garden with them, you can involve them in things that you enjoy. Find what speaks to your soul, and do it, whether the kids are around or not. I am a creative person, so I tend to do crafts with my kids, and we have had more than one mid-afternoon radio-blasting dance session. Just by knowing what makes us tick personally, we can learn to feed those areas that energize us, and the everyday won’t have to be so mundane.
