Life Turned Upside Down

“Don’t you know how that happens?” 
“42 and pregnant? I couldn’t imagine.” 
“When your baby is graduating, you will be 60.” 

Welcome to my life. Well, at least, comments made about my life after it was turned upside down. In 2021, after I turned 40, my husband wanted to try for one more baby. In February of 2021, we began trying to get pregnant. I did expect conceiving to be easy because it always had been. I was wrong. By June, nothing was happening, so we visited the OB office. Tests were run, ultrasound completed, and medication prescribed. From July until December, we tried five rounds of Clomid. Each month, my progesterone levels were low, low, and even lower, while my anti-mullerian hormone test showed I had the egg count of a 50+ year old woman (virtually none). Pregnancy was never achieved.

One night in May of 2022, I was a few days late, so I randomly took a pregnancy test. As I looked down and saw that the test was positive, I was in complete shock. Terrified? 100%. I cried. I was so afraid my 13-year-old son was going to be embarrassed by his mom. I felt ‘older’ now…I turned 42 two weeks after I took that test. My aching body, nausea, and extreme fatigue definitely made the pregnancy real. There is truth to having children earlier versus later in regards to how your body handles pregnancy. 28 and 31 felt different than 37 or 42 for sure.  

Annie Claire was born on January 27, 2023. Yes, this baby, the one we tried for, then didn’t get, with my hormone scores of a 50+ year old, then got pregnant naturally with…God’s plan, not mine. The addition of a new baby into our already busy household has not been for the faint of heart. My oldest daughter, age 12, immediately claimed her as hers. That real life baby doll concept kicked right in for big sis. My son, age 15, has been easy. Even if he felt embarrassment or dread, he never once made me feel that way. As for the five-year-old, she adores her sister. That may even be an understatement. Every morning when she wakes up and when she comes home from school, she greets Annie with the sweetest ‘Babbbbbyyyyyy!’ Speaking of home, that little baby’s smile is the definition of home for us all right now. It’s happy, it’s light, it’s new. Sometimes, the smile turns into a cry or a whine…but that perfectly describes our life and home in this season. It’s tough, but when it is good, it’s that ‘feel good, right where we are supposed to be, I can’t believe I get to do life with these people’ type of feeling. 

If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be a 43-year-old mom of four kids, I would have laughed. God’s plan…not mine. Being over 40, I truly value time more than I ever did when I was younger. My response to being 60 when my daughter graduates high school has changed from a gasp or a stutter to, ‘I can’t wait to watch her grow.’ Any ounce of anxiety I have had over raising four children has transformed into mere survival mode. I am happier than ever, even though sometimes I don’t shower until after 4pm or even shower at all. The alone time with my husband is few and far between, but when we have it, we savor it. My work schedule has changed which means less money for our family, but I remind myself that this is a season and it will all be different sooner than later. 

For anyone struggling with secondary infertility, please know you are not alone. I never thought that I would be in that situation. There was a lot of heartache felt each month and we barely scratched the surface of that journey. Also, know as you read this that I am very aware and sensitive to the truth that not everyone’s story has a happy ending. 

For anyone becoming a mom over 40, I salute you. You’ve got this. Embrace life no matter the age. I am doing just that. Does life look different for my family versus our friends? Yes. Will parenting be harder on some over 40? Absolutely. Being a new parent is hard no matter the age. Ask a 22-year-old mom and she will say the same. We all adapt and also struggle at various ages. 

In the meantime, we will be at our house teaching one kid to drive, one kid to walk, one kid to read, and just loving one through the pre-teen years. Wish us luck — it is a wild ride, but certainly my favorite yet.

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