Have you ever found yourself doing work or tasks that could easily be done by someone else, or that are in fact someone else’s responsibility? Do you habitually take on more than you can handle, because you don’t trust others to do it correctly or you don’t want to let anyone down by saying NO? Do you over-analyze and torment yourself about every potential outcome of a situation, instead of taking action based on the information you have at hand and then letting it go?
If you answered yes to any of these, you may be a little like me: someone who means well, but is exhausted, burned out, and tired of the constant struggle to keep up the pace. But listen up, we do not have to live this way!
There is always the option to just let it go and let the chips fall where they may, if only we can find the courage to be a little vulnerable and a little less in control.
I have a tendency to over-prepare. I expend enormous amounts of time and energy and mental resources on thinking two or three steps ahead so I am never caught by surprise or with unexpected circumstances. I like to know what’s going on, and how things are going to play out. And I like to do things myself so I know they are done “right.” And I do NOT like to ask for help.
A lot of social media influencers are calling this the “mental load” of motherhood and I get that perspective. But for me, it’s more of a way I’m wired than anything having specifically to do with being a mom; I do the same thing at work, in my personal life, and at home.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Is it control? Or perfectionism? People-pleasing, maybe? Essentially, it’s how we’ve learned to find our worth — by hustling, over-achieving, always being the go-to person, and saving the day, even at the expense of our own well-being.
Over time, this just becomes exhausting and self-defeating. I honestly find myself tending to stuff that is none of my business instead of important things that will move the needle forward in my own life because it feels safe and comfortable. It feels good to be someone others can rely on. It feels good to be needed and appreciated.
I’ve started asking myself: what will happen if I don’t do this? If I let it go?
What will actually happen if I don’t plan out everything for my husband while I’m out of town? He is a grown man and our kids’ father, and he can figure it out for himself. That’s part of his job, and if I am constantly intervening, I am taking that experience of getting to know our kids and figuring things out for himself away from him. I just have to accept the fact that they may eat pizza for every meal, stay up way too late, and forget to shower the whole time I’m gone. But does any of that really matter in the grand scheme of things? I have to let go of controlling the situation.
What if I don’t over-prepare for a big meeting at work? What will actually happen? I may have to ask a few vulnerable questions, or navigate a few awkward moments, but otherwise, I will be no less prepared than anyone else if I spend an hour before a meeting getting organized, rather than agonizing over it the entire weekend before. I have to let go of trying to be perfect.
What will actually happen if I don’t do a mountain of pre-work before handing off a task, and just give it away in whatever state it’s in? I pride myself on setting others up for success, but at what point do I stop doing it myself and allow them to learn the process for themselves? I have to let go of trying to please that person by doing more than I should to “help” them.
But you know what I realized is the most important thing that happens when I stop doing all of these things?
I feel free. I can breathe again. I have the energy and enthusiasm to do the work that is actually important without feeling exhausted, burned out, and resentful.
Controlling the small stuff feels good sometimes. It feels safe and comfortable and it gives the illusion of control. But it takes away from the real prize which is more focus on the big stuff. More time for the things that really matter.
And I’ve decided that’s more important to me than the minor discomfort I feel when I finally let it go.
