The number one question I got when people found out about my cancer diagnosis was, “How can I help?”
It was a very hard question to answer at the time of diagnosis. I didn’t know what I would need and definitely didn’t need anything right away. My first and main concern during treatment were my kids. I didn’t want this time to be traumatic for them (anymore than it had to be).
Here is my personal list of the best ways to help, broken down into love languages, though the easiest, cheapest, and most important way to offer support is to be there for them.
Acts of Service
1. Pick up kids from school. Word it like, “I’d really like to help this week. What days can I grab the kids from school?” or “I want to pick up the kids on Wednesday. Will that work?” Don’t say, “Do you need help getting the kids this week?” because stubborn people like me take that as admitting weakness and it’s hard for us to say we need help. When help is offered like this happening, so just tell me a day (or days) that work, it’s less about admitting defeat, though there were days where I wasn’t leaving the bathroom and had to ask people to grab the kids last minute. If you’re able, the week of treatment is great because of the nausea and fatigue, while the week after treatment was always the week the GI issues took me out. If you’ve ever been driving when your belly rumbles or cramps, you know how awful it is (and the whole week was full of that).
2. Take the kids or a kid for a treat or activity. This was a huge one for me. I wanted my kids to still get to do things even though I was avoiding crowded places due to my immune system being compromised. Some ideas include: movie theater, Chuck E. Cheese, play dates at your house, swimming, etc. This was helpful because my kids were still living their lives and I had time at home to rest. My sisters came and took the kids for a fun weekend right after my mastectomy. It was a huge help because that surgery kicked my butt. It was nice to have a few quiet and restful days right after the surgery.
3. Tasks around the house like laundry, cleaning, grass mowing, etc. I had several people offer to get me a laundry service or a house cleaner. I’m not great at accepting help, but I also was still functioning enough to take care of these myself, but these are fantastic ways to help.
Quality Time
1. Go to chemotherapy with them. Most chemotherapy treatments require the patient to have a driver. Offer to go with them. This was one of the nicest things my husband, sister, and friends did for me. Those treatments can be long, so having someone there with is comforting.
2. Sit with them at home. Pick a movie to watch or a show to binge. Know that they may be in and out of sleep. They may not be the perfect host during treatment, so be easy-going and willing to make yourself at home, for example, get your own food and drinks while you’re there or bring your own.
A side note: be very cautious around cancer patients as their immune system is compromised during treatment. Be willing to wear a mask, even if you don’t have any symptoms. If you have been around anyone with any symptoms, postpone your visit. Even if you think your kid just has “allergies,” assume it is more and be respectful. As a cancer patient, I wanted to see people, but when I showed up and their kid was sucking up snot in their face or coughing, I would sit there so stressed out and literally would hold my breath when that child was around. I’d rather you be upfront and say, “Hey, little Johnny has a running nose but no other symptoms,” and then let me decide whether or not to come. If they cancel, just know it wasn’t to be mean or them overreacting. One of my biggest fears while going through chemo in the winter was the increase in viral infections during that time. I didn’t want hospital stays causing chaos with my husband and kids, along with fighting extra hard just to stay alive from you or your kid’s “allergies.”
Words of Affirmation
Starting this section off with this: call or text them. Even if you don’t have the “right” words, just knowing that other people are thinking of you and care about you is huge during treatment. I had so many people (after I was done with chemo) say, “I wanted to reach out, but I didn’t know what to say,” interpreted as: what you are going through is so hard for me to acknowledge that ignoring it was easiest for me. Knowing that what you’re living through is most people’s worst nightmare, is isolating. So, REACH OUT! Just offer support like, “Hey, I was thinking about you. I hope treatment is going well and side effects are manageable.”
Please, please, please don’t text, “You good?” as a way to check on a cancer patient. We might be “good,” but we aren’t GOOD. Phrase it more like, “How are you feeling today? What side effects are you having today?” Showing compassion while asking thoughtful questions helps you better understand what they’re going through and learn more about their experience along the way. I was the first (and I hope to be the only) of my close friends to be diagnosed. Most people don’t know anything about treatment, so be open to learning. Let them talk about what they are going through, if the person is willing. This opens a conversation. Most people only want to hear “Yeah, I’m good!,” but those days aren’t the case most of the time during treatment. It’s annoying to feel like you are complaining or whining, so saying, “No, I’m not good today” just feels heavy, even if it’s the truth.
Sending a handwritten card/note is also an easy way to let them know you’re thinking about them but doesn’t require an immediate response. During treatment, texts, calls, and cards were huge pick-me-ups. If they share treatment, appointment, or surgery dates, put those in your calendar. I had a friend who would always reach out with the sweetest messages the night of treatment. I didn’t remind her of my treatments, so it was extra special receiving those messages knowing she kept track on her own.
Gift Giving
Receiving a thoughtful gift during treatment made my day. I’ve made a list of some of my favorite items that I used during treatment.
- This bamboo beanie during chemo hair loss. When you start losing your hair, your scalp is incredibly tender. The softer the fabric, the better! I loved this bamboo beanie because it was soft and lightweight.
- Mastectomy post-op zip up hoodie with drain pockets. I came out of surgery with four drains hanging from my chest. You are required to wear a compression binder for weeks, so this zip up was nice to throw on (zip up is crucial because you physically cannot lift your arms to put on anything over your head). Having the four pockets for drains was clutch!
- The coziest robe: this was used almost daily and has continued to be used post treatment. It’s a splurge, but it’s worth it!
- The coziest blanket: I received so many blankets as gifts during treatment. I love blankets so the more the merrier, but this one is the one we all fight for at my house. Again, it’s a splurge, but so, so good.
- Kindle: this is the one I have, but it’s a couple years old.
- Kindle Unlimited membership
- Audible credits
- Books in their favorite genres
- Gift cards: one of my favorite gift cards was for Soma. I was able to get button up pajamas for surgery day and post op in the size and prints I preferred. This would be a good idea as a post-op gift after breast reconstruction in case they need new bras. We also received grocery gift cards that were useful and appreciated!
- Portable phone charger. Treatments are long and batteries don’t last long. This was a lifesaver for me during treatment days. I even used this after surgery when I was sleeping on the couch or posted up on the couch during the day and didn’t want to drag my long charger into the living room.
- Peppermints (when they flush the port it tastes the way a hospital smells). Peppermints, gum, etc., helps reduce the taste and they flush the port several times each treatment.
- A journal and fun pens
- Their favorite chapstick (my favorite is Burt’s Bee’s original)
- Unscented lotion. My belly was queasy most days. I can’t handle scented lotions on a regular day and definitely couldn’t stand scents during treatment.
- Good headphones. I used my Airpods every treatment to cut down the noise from others, but any noise canceling headphones would be great.
- Tote bag with pockets. I had something similar to this bag. I loved having a lot of pockets to keep everything vs one big pocket where little things can’t be found.
- Chemo wrecked my face, it was so dry and red and tight. This face lotion was suggested by a dermatologist and it’s my new favorite product that I still use.
Food
I want to tread carefully here, but I despise meal trains. Here’s why:
- We are picky eaters, so telling people all of the things we don’t eat is lengthy and embarrassing (we don’t do onions, and fun fact: people seem to put onions in everything).
- You have people dropping food off so you have to make sure you’re home to receive the food. Yes, I understand coolers and all that, but it’s just logistical stress that I don’t want.
- With chemo, you never know what you can eat day to day, let alone what will sound good on a particular day.
- We only have so much fridge/freezer space.
The idea of a meal train is 10/10, but the follow through felt too stressful for me. If you want to provide a meal, the easiest and most effective way to do that is give a DoorDash/Uber Eats gift card. The number of times I wanted a particular restaurant for lunch is embarrassing, but being able to order it and not leave my house was the only reason I ate those days. I didn’t have the energy to drive, get out, order, and drive back home. A food delivery gift card is something people can use for food they want, when they want and there’s no need for fridge space or reheating directions. I know your great aunt’s casserole is a crowd favorite, but if it has onions in it, it’ll be going straight to the trash can.
If you don’t live in an area with food delivery services or a lot of food options, offer to take an order for a particular place and drop that off when it is convenient. My neighbor was adamant on providing food for us and knew I wouldn’t ask, so she (very kindly, but sternly) demanded our family’s order for a few meals.
A box of their favorite snacks. My neighbor dropped off a box full of the foods I was craving during treatment (pickles and pickle flavored things were number one!) and threw in fun treats for the kids. This was a huge hit at our house! Reach out and find out some of their favorite treats and cravings. She even threw in milk which we actually needed!
Physical touch: If you know me, you’ve probably been waiting for me to touch on this love language. I’m not a physical touch person and hugs stress me out. BUT others love hugs. So, I’m just going to write:
Give hugs.
And leave it at that. But also don’t hug me.
