As the doctor handed me my second child — my second daughter — I instantly felt like something wasn’t right. Not with the baby or my body, but with my reaction. When I gave birth to my first daughter I was overcome with emotion, shouted “Oh my God!” so loudly that everyone in the room looked at me like something was wrong, started crying, couldn’t take my eyes off of her, and instantly became a different person. When #2 came out, a lack of emotion stole my moment to be in awe again. I felt like something, or rather someone, was missing. I never had postpartum depression with my first, so I thought, “Is that what this is?” Except I wasn’t sad. I just felt like someone else was supposed to be there. I really can’t explain it. I chucked it up to the hormones going haywire in my body. I tried forcing tears of happiness because that’s what you’re supposed to do and I tried focusing on the brand new baby in my arms instead of what I felt was missing.
Last month I wrote about following your gut as a woman and the incredible ways our bodies speak to us. There have been very few times in my life where my gut feeling was SO strong that it sticks out in my memory. This is the biggest one. I didn’t have postpartum depression. I didn’t love her less. The truth is, I wanted another baby…right away…like while I was still in the hospital. The feeling was completely unexpected because I thought I only wanted two children. My husband and I got married being very indifferent on the kid topic. Neither of us grew up feeling like having kids was a top priority, but after we had the one, we agreed to have just one more so she’d have a sibling. So when we were blessed with that second child, I was very confused why my gut, or maybe a higher being, would not stop telling me there was supposed to be one more.
All of these thoughts I kept to myself.
We left the hospital, started living as a family of four, my husband thinking we were done. Meanwhile, all the hours I was rocking, nursing, bottle-feeding my baby girl, driving, doing laundry, lying in bed, doing dishes, playing with my older daughter, talking about anything else with my husband, I was also thinking about this missing child. I couldn’t stop picturing our future family photo…except there was a little boy in it standing in front of his two sisters.
Seven months.
That’s how long I kept my thoughts, my gut feeling, that image and the most powerful voice I’ve ever had in my head to myself. I thought about it every waking minute for seven months. It consumed me. I figured after seven months this probably wasn’t postpartum depression or hormones, rather something I needed to voice to my husband. Did he feel the same way? No. Was he immediately happy to oblige? No. But this voice in my head was so powerful that I somehow convinced him it was our path. After an extremely short pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage, we learned we were pregnant again…and it was a boy.
Sometimes our gut, or a voice, or a higher power, completely takes over our ability to function properly. My husband and I are so glad we didn’t ignore the voices in my head. That boy is now almost two-years-old, takes the best pictures, gives the best smiles and lights up rooms. And that #2 baby that didn’t get the same welcoming from her mom that #1 got is the most affectionate person I know.
I realize not all families get what they picture for their future. I truly believe the voice in my head was not my own voice. I think I was being told what to do and I followed through. If you are struggling to have your first baby or your fifth baby, I am rooting for you. If you are hoping for a specific gender, I am cheering you on. If you are simply praying for a healthy child, I am praying with you. And if you got exactly what you pictured, I am happy for you. We obviously don’t get to pick every path our life takes us down, but if you feel a persistent feeling in your gut, don’t be afraid to pursue it!
