I think we can all agree that there is a lot of mom shaming that goes on. Natural birth vs. epidural, home birth vs. hospital birth, cloth vs. disposable, formula vs. breast, and on and on and on. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve given other parents the side eye a few times – if we are being completely honest with ourselves, who hasn’t? We all have our own preconceived notions of what is best for our child, whether that stems from being raised by our own parents, scientific research, or our very own maternal intuition. But for all of the mom-shaming that goes on, we overlook the greatest one of all – shaming ourselves.
Before I had my daughter, I didn’t make any specific plans in regards to how I would raise her, but I had a pretty good idea that I would try to breastfeed. As a mom-to-be, you are inundated with the phrase “Breast is best!” pamphlets, lectures, and a million praises of women who give you an approving nod when you tell them that you plan to breastfeed. But my story is that I did plan to breastfeed, I tried to breastfeed, and it didn’t work out. I won’t go into the story of why it didn’t work out, and for you other formula moms out there, the point I’m trying to make is neither should you.
You should never have to feel like you are less of a mom because you didn’t breastfeed, even if you didn’t even attempt to. Oftentimes, in talking to other moms who formula fed, when asked a question in regards to how they fed their infant, they give the back story as to why they didn’t or couldn’t breastfeed. Even before writing this post, I did a little digging about confessions from other formula feeders, and every single post I found has a reason as to why they had to formula feed. It’s self-shaming. Maybe this is my own personal experience talking, but we feel the need to explain ourselves so we don’t feel like less of a mother because we didn’t spend days, weeks, months or even years uncomfortably breastfeeding our children, or having to pump in the car, on trips, in the bathroom stall at work. We feel like we neglected our children by not giving them “the best” or because we feel like we don’t have quite the same bond breastfeeding moms do. We shame ourselves by having to explain what went wrong, or why we chose not to breastfeed.
But ladies, I am here today to make a few new formula feeding confessions.
1) I no longer feel the need to explain why I didn’t breastfeed. I didn’t, and that’s okay. My 21-month-old daughter is still happy, healthy, and incredibly intelligent (I’m pretty sure she’s smarter than I am…).
2) I am glad…no, gleeful, that I didn’t have to sneak off to a break room or a bathroom stall or pump in my car on the way to and from work.
3) While breastfeeding is a glorious and miraculous thing and every mom should be able to feed in public without indignation, I was very grateful for how easy and convenient formula was…especially when my husband was able to help out with feedings at 5 a.m.
4) Nursing pads? What are those?
5) If and when I have another child, I will attempt to breastfeed again, but I am not going to kill myself or agonize over doing it.
So mommas, next time you find yourself talking to someone about how you raised your children, don’t feel the need to explain why you didn’t breastfeed…or for that matter, why you didn’t use disposable diapers or make your own organic baby food. Motherhood needs no explanation – we are in this together, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
Breastfeeding isn’t just a lifestyle, it is an integral part of giving your child your immune system. It isn’t about being hip or anything other than helping keep your child from having illness, asthma, allergies and all sorts of issues. And also that formula is full of all sorts of problematic ingredients. I’d like Mom’s to be less ashamed of using a wet nurse. If my child had the immunity of a village of women instead of just mine, they might be amazingly healthy.
It’s just so hard to find a decent wet nurse these days! By the time I have my chambermaid lace my corset and dress me for the day, I have to retire to the fainting couch in the ante library! Do let me know your suggestions on how to word the advertisement I’ll have my butler place in the Times!
(Said in the most sarcastic tone! Seriously, a wet nurse?!?!)
What was that about mom shaming? Why waste your time trying to make someone feel guilty?
Some people do not have access to or even know that milk sharing is an option.
Are you serious, Oldmom? I tried to breastfeed and was crushed when I couldn’t! My daughter is 2 and has only been to the doctor once for an illness. Ear infection. She doesn’t have allergies, asthma, or ‘all sorts of issues’. She is incredibly smart, healthy, and sweet.
I am so glad you are perfect.
The judgmental response by “Oldmom” is what perpetuates the shaming. (Trying reallyyyy hard not to hold back expletives)
It’s nice to see a mother that accepts her parenting choices. It’s so easy to feel guilty about decisions that are different than others. Bravo to that. I hope you have better luck next time around!
I agree with Meg! And quite honestly I know several moms who breastfeed and their children get sick more oftentimes than not than my formula fed child did/does.
I am in the category of moms who didn’t even try to breastfeed for both personal and work reasons. My sweet boy slept through the night before 3 months, has developmentally hit milestones at the same pace as his breastfed buddies, and survived his first flu season (at daycare, no less!) without running a temp over 100 degrees and no additional dr visits. He is growing into a smart and healthy little guy, and I don’t regret my choices a bit. So many stresses as a new mom — hearing that you’re wrong for formula feeding shouldn’t be added to that mix!
Ladies, thank you for the (mostly) wonderful comments, and Stephanie, that is AWESOME. I know there is a lot of attention drawn to breastfeeding (it’s hard, and let’s face it, those ladies need a LOT of support), but I think moms that use formula sometimes miss out on the dialogue of feeding are kids, and it’s still nice to talk about it.
I breastfed all three of my kids at first, then turned to formula each time. I had major milk supply issues. And all three were happier on formula than on breastmilk!! Formula was a life changing decision in our household for the GOOD. And my kids are happy, well rounded, tiny geniuses too. Well written post Caitland!
I was fortunate enough to breastfeed 99% of the time. I’m glad I was. This whole mom-shaming about breast vs formula HAS to stop. Yes, there are many benefits, but if someone gives it a go and it doesn’t work out, or can’t give it a go, or even won’t try for whatever reason, that’s nobody’s business whatsoever!!! Is the baby fed? Good. Period. Done.
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