In January 2020, when my children were three years old and six months old, I was diagnosed with a form of blood cancer. In July of that year, I underwent a stem cell transplant. I was hospitalized for nearly a month and was away from my young family for three months. My recovery went well, but was not without complications. Three years after my transplant, I had both hips replaced due to issues caused by my treatment.
As life keeps racing by, I find more friends receiving a diagnosis; more acquaintances sharing a cancer journey on social media; and more friends of a friend who reach out after getting diagnosed.
When a then-acquaintance (and now friend) was diagnosed with breast cancer, I thought of all the things I wanted to say to her. Not about cancer or treatment. Not about doctors or scans or tests. But about being a sick mom.
What I’ve written below is what I would say to her. But I’d also say it to other moms struggling with illness. Not just cancer, but chronic illness or physical injuries or mental health.
Dear Friend,
This is so hard. This is big, scary, complicated, and confusing. And, you can handle this. You have courage piled inside of you in ways you don’t know yet.
When receiving a diagnosis as a mom, our first thoughts race to our kids. What does this mean for them? How will this affect them? How do I shield them from all of it?
I naively thought I could fight cancer and come back to resume “normal” life with my family. I thought this was my burden to bear and it would only change me.
What I came to understand is that my illness will be a part of my children’s story as much as it is mine. There was a time during this revelation that I grieved a loss of innocence for my kids. I struggled for all the ways they had to adapt and grow. But my kids are strong, resilient, and so brave. I’ve come to believe that the effects on them might not just be negative, but rather that within the struggle, they are being shaped into empathetic, intuitive, and thoughtful people.
Our children will have scars from these experiences, and when those burdens are too much for them (or for you), please remember it is important to seek help. Find a great play therapist for them. Seek out a support group and therapist for yourself. Allow yourself to remember that this feels hard because it is hard and there are people there to help process it all.
Let go of guilt.
As mothers we prioritize our children above all else. Even with self-care, girls’ night, a thriving career, and incredible hobbies, at the end of the day, we are so often focused on our children.
This phase is going to feel very different. This time of prioritizing yourself isn’t a choice. It is forced upon you. This was a big twist in my head and heart. I felt guilty all the time about what I was putting my family through. I felt like I was failing as a friend, wife, daughter, but especially, a mom. It was all my fault.
Please, friend, let go of that guilt. We should feel guilt when we’ve done something wrong, but you have done nothing wrong. That guilt is an emotion you do not need to shoulder right now. It is ok for life to revolve around you while you fight and heal. And while you have that laser focus right now to fight, remember that you are more than this diagnosis. You are not your illness. It may feel all-consuming right now, but who you are and your value are much bigger than this one thing.
New ways to connect.
When I was sick, I was too exhausted and depleted to engage with my kids in many of the ways I had prior to being sick. I mourned the loss of those things and then put my energy into creating new ways to connect with my kids. I know you will find and create your own special ways.
Some of my favorites include:
- Snuggling and watching a movie.
- Playing a simple card game while I rest on the couch.
- Hide the toy: they hide small toys around the room and I sit on the couch and guess where they are (this also works for hide-and-seek).
- What’s On My Butt: This is exactly as it sounds. Lie down on the couch, they put things on your butt, and you guess what they are. My kids loved this one!
- Yard picnic.
It is ok if you can’t do everything with them that you once could. You’ll create new and special memories during this time.
Be brave.
One of the most important things I learned while I was sick is that being brave is more important than being strong. Being strong didn’t leave space for fear and doubt and anger and confusion. Being brave is about allowing all of these things AND moving forward mustering just a little wild courage.
Remember you are not alone. Cancer can feel so lonely because you are the only one living your version of it. You are the one who has to get a bone marrow biopsy. You are the one in an MRI machine. You are the one having surgery. You are the one getting chemo and radiation injected into your body. Only you. No matter how wonderful a support system you have, that can feel lonely.
