Why I Would Never (Netflix) Cheat on my Husband

My husband and I became man and wife back in the dark ages of 2004, before smart phones, YouTube and Pinterest. We posted pictures of our nuptials on our MySpace page, and our wedding was recorded on both a VHS and DVD. I always felt sneaky knowing that my Blockbuster card was in my maiden name. But that was how we watched movies in our newlywed years: borrowed them from a friend or rented them with an insane late fee. We would curl up on our secondhand couch, scarf down a few break and bake cookies, and laugh our way through Napoleon Dynamite. I own all ten seasons of Friends on DVD, and pretty sure I emptied a trust fund somewhere to acquire the means to purchase such a high market DVD set.

But, everything changed once we discovered Netflix.

It was like a gold mine of movies. Initially, most were not worth watching, but we never gave up hope. One of us would find something we thought the other would like and add it to the “instant queue” (which they now refer to as “my list.” Fairly certain it is because “queue” sounds like the end of a loud sneeze in a quiet restaurant, or because people are not sure how to precisely pronounce it?). Next, you set the mood. The kids are in bed, you have on your husband’s sweatpants from police academy (these I call my “Netflix pants”) and you dig out the gouda cheese and fancy crackers (also known as “any cracker that is not shaped like a fish or other marine life”) and grab your favorite blanket and get ready to have intense discussions about Netflix originals versus classic shows from our generation.

However, the love of Netflix is the root of all evil. What we began to discover is that we both became obsessed with the same shows. Breaking Bad, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, The Lizzie Borden Chronicles, Real Rob, Master of None, and most recently (out of pure curiosity, just like every child of the 80s and 90s) Fuller House. Even beloved older episodes of The Office and Parks and Recreation make their way into circulation.

One of us could NOT watch one of these shows without the other. To do so would be breaking the bonds of holy instant streaming. If we decided to sneak behind the back of our spouse, with or without their knowledge, and view our carefully selected “couch date” episodes, ALONE, that was a serious case of NETFLIX CHEATING. And with the “resume playing” option, you can always tell if someone has attempted a sneak peek at a brand new episode.

The temptation had never been greater: “Did you watch the series finale of Breaking Bad when I was out of town on training?” Or even, “Pause this episode of Scrubs while I go check on the kids. Do NOT unpause it until I come back!”

Netflix cheating does not just apply to marriages.

Did you promise to wait on your girlfriends and prepare the fruit tray and Rotel dip before taking a sneak peek at the opening of Fuller House? Were you able to practice self control, or did you “accidentally” click play as you were “getting the TV set up” only to see the series opener as a throwback to the original? And then “rewind” it back to the beginning to hide the evidentiary support that you have indeed practiced instant streaming infidelity? (This is a hypothetical scenario, of course).

But, in marriage, I am happy to report that we have been faithful. So far. But when the new season of Kimmy Schmidt is released, ALL BETS ARE OFF.

Is “Netflix cheating” a thing in your house? Do you and your husband have favorite shows that you enjoy watching together?