I spent over 20 years dreaming up the perfect husband, compiled of characteristics from Disney movies and romance novels, he would have it all. He would be the perfect combination of a gentleman — honest, trustworthy, caring — with the looks of Channing Tatum, he would be every girl’s dream man. When I met my husband nearly 5 years ago, I was shocked at how quickly I fell in love with him. Although he doesn’t look anything like Channing Tatum, he had all of the qualities I was looking for. Falling in love with him was effortless and unexpected and we were engaged only after 6 months. On my 23rd birthday, I married my best friend in a dream wedding and shortly after, we purchased our first home. There were times I pinched myself to make sure it was all real. I wasn’t sure how life could get any better until we welcomed our first son last year; he seemed to fill an emptiness that we didn’t even realize was there.
So while my life sounds like a fairytale on paper, here is where the problem comes in. I am flawed. That is difficult for me to admit because I would consider myself a perfectionist but there it is in black and white…I have issues. As a product of divorced parents, I have the expectation that I will fail at my marriage. I put up walls, make a small issue into something bigger and I pick fights with my husband for no reason. I do not know if I do this because it’s all I know or if I am guarding myself from the pain I watched my parents endure through their divorce. Regardless, I find myself focusing on the negative, which was heightened drastically after my son was born and I experienced a bout of postpartum depression. I wanted to hate my husband for everything he did…he couldn’t soothe my son’s crying right, he didn’t help me enough around the house, he didn’t do things exactly how I wanted, etc. I was miserable and I wanted him to be miserable. Deep down I thought if I could make him miserable enough, he would leave and I could just get the inevitable over with. I started to take on everything myself. I made up excuses as to why I wanted to do it all but part of me was preparing to be alone…with how I treated him, I didn’t think it would be long.
My husband has to be the most patient man to walk the Earth because his love for me never wavered. When I would have an especially difficult day with my son, he would take over after a long day at work, tell me how great of a mother I am and that he loved me very much. Although I wanted my negative mood and depression to be his fault, the truth was it wasn’t his fault at all. I was struggling with my own identity and self-worth and with his constant support, I decided it was time to stop feeling like a bump on a log and get my life together. I have since made an effort to focus on the positive and I can’t believe how blind I was to how amazing my husband is. He makes an effort to help me cook dinner and pick up the kitchen afterwards, he gives me time to myself when I need it, he lifts me up when I am down and watching him with my son and witnessing how much he loves him, is an image that will forever be engrained in my mind. Although he’s not the best at planning anniversary dinners or birthday parties, he still surprises me with flowers on random days and sends me unexpected texts saying how much he loves me.
I can’t believe how lucky I am. In a society where divorce is prominent and people are quick to hurt their loved ones, I was blessed with a man who gives me hope of a happy ending. While he’s not perfect, he’s perfect for me and although I still struggle with keeping a positive attitude, I know he is always there to lean on and help me through. He is my best friend, the most amazing father and my soul mate and I still pinch myself to make sure my life isn’t a dream. To all of the women and moms who have days they hate their husbands, try to look at what he does right instead of what he does wrong, thank him for loving you and find new reasons daily for why you fell in love with him in the first place. Hopefully it will change your life as it has mine.
Thanks for sharing your heart! I think every woman can relate to those thoughts especially in the first few months after having your first baby! As a Christian, I think the enemy loves the opportunity to come into a happy, healthy and Christian marriage… Birth and welcoming a new baby is a ripe breeding ground for this to happen as your tired and your patience is low. Focusing on the positive, like you said, and asking The Lord to help me show grace to my husband in times like this really helped me too!
Thank you Angela! I do believe with all things in life people are tested and as you mentioned the enemy will find every way to hinder your happiness. I am blessed that God has helped open my eyes to appreciate what I have.
Thank you for admitting what many of us cannot! This was a very timely read for me, and I appreciate your candidness.
Thank you for reading Lisa, I’m hoping my honesty will help others in the same situation.
Damn. This was EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. Thank you for smacking mess in the face with a long-overdue dose of reality.
JB, thank you for reading! It was definitely a tough one to write!
My wife and I just passed our first year of marriage milestone. Your not alone in the way your mind works. Its so powerful. My parents were divorced when I was a child and remarried to others but the pain and the suffering that I witnessed really has messed with the way my mind perceives everything my wife does. Ive shut myself down and away from my wife and pushed her and pushed her not really knowing I was until we blew up. She explained to me that I test her just to see if she will leave. I make up things in my head. Since this event ive felt a lot better about our relationship. But its not over. Im going to counseling on my own because I just needed to talk to someone about my past. God brings two people together and all of their flaws. He makes them one and intertwined until they cannot be separated.
thank you for this article.
Thomas
Thank you for the response Thomas and congratulations on your first anniversary! It sounds like we are both blessed with amazing and understanding spouses. Good luck with everything, it can be a tough road but it sounds like you are on a good path, just don’t give up on it.
I like your article, but was expecting a little more written about depression. Depression or post-partum is a serious illness that is not easily remedied by “focusing on the positive.” I value the points in your article, but wish you would write more in depth about how you came to changing your attitude. People in a similar situation would gain hope. The cliche “focus on the positive” is not such an easy task for someone deep in the struggle.
Thank you so much for the response! That is excellent feedback. While this article was geared more toward my relationship with my husband, I know my experiences with depression may reach the hearts of those struggling with the illness as well. I will work on the topic for a future post. Thank you again!