After working in elementary classrooms for several years, I realized that what one of my favorite mentor teachers told me is true: “Believe about 50% of what they come home and tell you about me, and I’ll believe about 50% of what they tell me about you.” We laughed, she winked, and we of course know that there are some things children say that should never be ignored. But she was referring to the tales from the mouths of babes that grow throughout the day – you know the ones I’m talking about.
At 10 a.m. Johnny falls on the playground and needs a band-aid for his knee, but by the time your little one hops in the car at 3:00 the story has evolved into “Ohmygosh Mom, Johnny fell off the TALLEST part of the jungle gym and broke his leg! Maybe even both of them! There was blood everywhere! He had to go to the emergency room and will probably be in a wheelchair for MONTHS!”
Yeah, those stories.
So I’ve always tried to be very cognizant of the telephone game effect and not let myself get too crazy when my kids regale me with their after-school tales. I try to remind myself (and them) that there are always two sides (or more likely, three – your side, their side, and the truth somewhere in the middle) to every story.
My son has always been laid-back. Happy. Everyone’s friend. Never really an issue with another child all through elementary school. So I was completely unprepared and taken aback when my daughter brought home drama very early. There were tears after school and hysterical cries of, “She said I’m not having a sleepover at her house!” Wait, what? You were never even having a sleepover at her house. My son and husband would just shake their heads. It was all drama, all the time. Had these little girls read the Mean Girls script and adjusted it for their own Kindergarten conversations??
What. Was. Happening.
I quickly found myself in the precarious position of being this precious angel baby’s mama who wants to protect her from all of the ugly and terrible awful of the world, and being the one who was given the immense responsibility of teaching her how to deal with the real world and all that comes with it. Oh I need to lie down.
I will stop right here and profess to you, dear friends, that neither of our children have been involved in anything even close to what I dealt with at their age (and I still have the pencil lead in my right calf to prove it – reason #498 why 7th grade was the most horrible year ever – another story for another day). Our kids have been blessed beyond measure with good friends and a relatively peaceful, happy elementary/middle school experience. But I have watched some of our friends go through some downright awful stuff. Mean girls, Queen Bees, bullying from kids and their parents (the worst)…the stuff our nightmares are made of.
When I hear their stories my response is usually something like, “I would lose it!” But I know that in reality, our reactions have to be equal parts compassion and reason, with our rage (no matter how warranted) hidden away from those sweet little ears. I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know that taking it straight to the other child’s parent doesn’t always end well. Whispering into the offending child’s ear during your lunchroom volunteer duty will never end well (yeah don’t ever do that), and shrugging your shoulders with a “Kids will be kids, what are ya gonna do?!” is just not an option, y’all.
So when do you step in and when do you cross your fingers and hope you’ve given your child the tools they need to solve the problem on their own?
While we’ve never had a major “mean girl” issue, there is just always something going on with tween girls. Best friends one day, mortal enemies the next. Ups and downs, all day long. Luckily, my daughter seems to have inherited my husband’s easygoing attitude and ability to shrug off most of the drama but it goes right to my inner ten year old and I can get myself riled up like nobody’s business (all while smiling and nodding sweetly, of course).
One of my favorite bits of advice is this quote from Catherine M. Wallace. Listening to the little stories of their day, even when you’re tired and dinner needs to be made and you’ve just heard all the things you can hear today, can give us a pretty good feel for what’s going on in their world and can often lead to the bigger stories that we need to know.
Validating their feelings, whatever they may be, is so important. Things that seem so small to us as adults can be life-altering for an eleven year old. I’ve had plenty of moments of wanting to tell my daughter to just stay away from so-and-so, she’s a mean girl with a terrible attitude! But I know that’s teaching her not to deal with the problem and denial is not going to help either of them. I try to have a conversation about that person, asking why we think she could do/say something so awful, and trying to understand the bad behavior (although let’s be honest, I’m 37 and still trying to understand other adults’ behavior). We may never understand it but instead of writing her off as a mean girl, I’m hoping that my daughter will start to grasp that these people exist (you may even find yourself on the other side every now and then) and will be part of our lives and can’t always be ignored.
I can’t go to school and deal with it for her…she has to do it herself.
And of course, I feel very strongly that an awesome teacher is always our best ally. After all, they’re with our kids almost as much as we are, and while most bullying is done when grown-ups aren’t watching, it’s vital to have a third party involved who can offer compassion and perspective when everything hits the fan.
Our family is at the point in our life now that we have to hope and pray that what we’re teaching our kids at home is coming into play when they’re not with us. We can’t be there to fight every battle for them (as much as we’d love to) and heaven knows a thirteen year old would rather die than have that happen, so we’ve hit the jumping off point. This is where we let them take it on and then wait eagerly for them to hop in the car and tell us the awesome story of what happened in their world that day.
