When I first had a child, everyone kept telling me to find my mom group so I could be supported. This confused me a little bit because my very closest friends were non-moms who loved and encouraged me. As my children have grown and I’ve acquired mom friends, I understand the value in having people who are in the same trenches as I am. But I’ve still clung to my non-mom friends who continue to hold me up and who love my children fiercely.
I’ve been thinking a lot about these women lately. Some of these women are childless as a choice and some of them are childless due to circumstances beyond their control. I’ve learned that this second group of women can harbor an immense amount of grief. When your soul desires a child and that doesn’t happen for you, the sadness can be palpable. This understanding makes their desire to be a part of my children’s lives even more special.
My non-mom friends are some of the most amazing women I know. They are bright and driven; they are caring and generous; they are well-traveled and well-read; and they are kind and interesting.
I stay very close to my non-mom friends by caring about what they care about. That might be a way they volunteer in their community; it might be about their work; it might be about travel or hiking or paddleboarding or working out. In the same way, they care about what I care about. They ask about my kids. They listen to my motherhood challenges. They ask curious and deep questions about my life.
To be honest, I’ve learned a ton about being a mom from my non-mom friends.
Because they are not walking in the exact same trenches, they are able to view situations with a space and clarity that my mom friends and I can’t. They see things in me that others don’t. They call those out to encourage me or to challenge me. They remind me over and over again that I’m doing a good job.
Most importantly, they truly see and understand my children. When I am in moments of confusion or frustration with my kids, they remind me of who my children are and what makes them so unique. They invest in my children with their love and presence and continually encourage my kids to become exactly who they are meant to be. They are showing my kids many ways to be in the world. My children get to see different family structures, diverse career choices, and a variety of passions and interests represented in my non-mom friends.
What I’ve learned is that this investment and love for my family can come at a cost to their broken hearts. The grief they feel over not having children is always present. And they hold that in tension with the love they have for my children.
To my non-mom friends: thank you for seeing me. Thank you for loving my family. Thank you for helping my children have a broad view of the world. Thank you for being a trusted adult and a safe place for my children to land. We adore you.
