Disclaimer: the following post is written by a KMB team member about her personal experience with sex, sex and marriage, how sex changes after kids, and other topics as they relate to sex. The views and opinions in this post are purely and entirely the author’s and neither KMB nor the author claim to be an expert on the subject matter.
Setting Up the Play:
I have really struggled with my body image since giving birth. My shape is different, my smell, and especially my sensitivity. I have struggled with my sex drive because, well, after pushing out a baby…my vagina feels different. At times, I have felt like my body is not mine and that I have simply been touched too much. I have had the mom-blahs.
I will also say that some dads can feel pretty lonely too after having children. A lot of praise, attention, and intimacy is shared between mother and child. Sometimes dad can feel left out.
I am saying all of this so that you, the reader, know that some moms go through this. It wasn’t until recently that I started talking about this with other moms and realized I was not alone. This head–on, candid podcast really helped me understand sex and parenthood.
Sex doesn’t come easily after kids. There are lots of “interruptions.” It is critical to keep your sex life fresh and going even after having children. It is so easy to take each other for granted and forget what really connects you to your partner. Sometimes no words can really express how you feel and actions can. Just get primal with it AND KEEP IT PLAYFUL.
Being on the Defense:
The number one sure way to not have playful sex with your partner is use the time to talk and go through what you are concerned about. Leave those conversations for post-coitus.
Taking the Offense:
Some strategies that get you closer to a touchdown include just sitting next to your partner while watching TV, rub him dry when he gets out of the shower, kiss at the car when going somewhere as a family, compliment your spouse in front of others, tell you partner why you love him not just that you do, say your partner’s name, use code words to show you are motivated to make a play (once the kids get down), get high-school with it and use your fingers/hands, massage your partner when it is unexpected, send some sexy texts and compliments throughout the day.
Game Changers:
- A sure way to get a first down is to tell your spouse what you want. Be explicit: “I want to have sex and for you to XXX.”
- Change the play, which includes timing/setting too—your spouse may not expect you right before the babysitter gets there or first thing in the morning before the kids are awake.
- Get creative with it. My husband and I like playing a naming game with positions. There are more positions than “missionary style, etc.” You can even re-name missionary style to “love making hands.” Other typical positions can be renamed to suit the fun and personality that you and your spouse share. Get adventure and make up your own—like “the Lego.”
- Look your partner in the eyes when having sex. Not to intimidate, but to insinuate.
- Role play…for real. If you are tired of the mundane routine of the day and wish you were somewhere else, doing something else—then be that person you want to be. Try out your imaginary self in the bedroom. Instead of being the offensive guard, be the running back and take your partner’s cues to climax with a win for both of you.
Practice Make Perfect!
Realistically, it may be a little awkward to change it up or to even get going. Keep at it and often.
Previous posts in the KMB After Dark series:
