Of Motherhood and Marriage

“I just need five minutes of your time, Angel. Five minutes and that is all.”

He was frustrated at my lack of attentiveness and I could tell.

It sounded like too much. I sighed and sat down to listen to whatever it was that he wanted me to hear him say. Evidently my man thought there was something more important than the things left on my to-do list for the day and therefore he needed my undivided attention for said five minutes.

What we really talked about in those next few precious minutes I do not remember, but I do remember this: a feeling of “I don’t have time for you right now” washed over me. I was both scared and mad at myself for the thought. But it was true. Even worse, I wouldn’t figure out how to make time for him, my sweet husband who had been standing in the proverbial corner of my life for the past four years or so, until much, much later.

I’m thankful he stuck with me when I’m sure it would have been much easier to find another ear to listen to what he had to say. I shudder at the thought of what could have been. You see, when I catch a glimpse of a sweet older couple and hear of silver and gold anniversaries I usually think three things.

1) That’s a lot of hard work.

2) What is your secret?

3) That’s a lot of hard work.

Yes ma’am it is, that much I can tell you after thirteen years in. Love is a beautiful thing and marriage is too. Most of the time. But like any beautiful thing it takes work to keep it that way.

Now, I know that some from the generation before will tell you they never fought for one minute, but I just don’t really believe that to be true a whole lot of the time. As the child of divorced parents I’ve become skeptical real over the years and perhaps a bit paranoid too. One of the biggest times in these thirteen precious years of marriage that I failed miserably were what I call the baby beginner years.

Thus I bring to you mamas a very real, raw portion of my heart today. Because here’s the deal: I get it ladies. Really, I do. I understand what it’s like to be awake with a newborn all night and then stare at the morning sun with tears because rest is nowhere in your near future. I know what it’s like to drop the kids off at school and steal five minutes in a bathroom stall somewhere just collecting yourself because in the past two hours you just completed a task worthy of a small army called getting the kids ready and out the door. I know what it’s like to stare at a package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts and wonder how you’re going to concoct that into something and call it dinner when you’d rather just call it a day and dial Papa John’s instead.

Motherhood is exhausting. It’s a new kind of tired. It’s a need for a sleep so deep you feel it way down in your bones kind of tired. And you’re reading this thinking to yourself “After all of that you want me to pay attention to the only other adult living in this house?! Really?”

Yes, sweet thing. Yes, I do.

Because that is hands down the. very. best. gift that you could ever give to your children. Or yourself. Or your soulmate. The attention of your minutes is a very precious thing. You never outgrow the need for attention and affirmation. We all crave it and we all usually get it, somewhere. If you pay attention to their father and set the tone for a happy home, your children may not realize it now but they will thank you later.

My children are five and six. When was it that I realized and remembered I wasn’t only a mom but I was a wife too? I don’t recall exactly. There was never one big event that suddenly made me aware that my focus needed to shift but I’m so very glad that it did.

I can tell you this though. I look back now and I have a lot of regrets.

I regret not calling a sitter and going on date nights. We do that now but we didn’t for a long time.

I regret not purposefully carving out five or ten minutes after my husband’s work day so that I could ask him how his day went before I complained told him all about mine.

I regret taking him for granted and being so caught up in diapers and bottles that I couldn’t see all that he was busy doing for our family as well. Like making a living and putting food on the table.

I regret that it took me a few years of being a mother before I put that on the back-burner and walked into Victoria’s Secret again.

The cool thing is that my marriage is sort of a reflection of my life as a Christian, especially in the fact that there’s been a whole lot of grace given to me.

But even where grace has stepped in and breathed a whole new life into how I view marriage, there are scars that remain. I won’t ever forget the sad look in my husband’s eyes the day that he asked me for just five minutes of time. I won’t forget those Friday nights that we could have spent in a corner booth over candlelight somewhere had I not been a helicopter mom and too afraid to call a sitter for the kids.

I’m making up for lost time now and yes that’s easy to do now that both of our children are in school. However, If I had it to do over again, I’d step up the marriage front a whole lot sooner. Because I’ve realized I can be both and be both well. I’m Mom…..and I’m a wife too.