The Pain Of “Or For Worse:” Staying In Love After Kids

No one told us the wedding day would be the least of our worries.

No one told us about true pain and suffering.

Nobody told us how hard the “or for worse” stage of life is.

Nobody told us how much truly changes after having kids.

My husband and I thought we had it all figured out for life after kids. Who would work, who would be responsible for running the household, care for our kids, etc.

We were wrong. So very wrong.

I could go into detail about everything my husband does wrong, how he irritates me, and why I can’t stand him breathing near me sometimes. But, I am limited to 600-800 words and I’m sure his list of what I do wrong is way longer than mine I am throwing my list out the window, focusing on everything I love about him, and why I choose to stay married every single day. 

After our son was born, our lives were turned upside down. We didn’t (and still don’t) have a single family member that lived near us, so our “village” consists of my husband and myself. There are MANY benefits to that, but a lot of the time it is painfully hard keeping our family of three together. There is no one to help change diapers, cook us a homemade meal, give us a date night, or even a two-hour break. We were on our own. We went through countless fights about finances, childcare, and life. 

We were exhausted. 

We were depleted. 

We were broken.

Neither of us had anything left to give.

We were neck deep in the “or for worse” stage of life and had no lifeline on how to get out. Divorce was being spoken about like we were choosing where to eat for dinner. This was our reality. How did we let it get to this point? Where do we go from here?

When my husband said to me, “Well, what if I wanted to be the stay-at-home parent and just stay home and not work.”

I LOST IT.

Is that really how he viewed what I was doing for our family? All the sacrificing, living in poverty, and giving everything I had, to fill our son up with unconditional love and support, going unnoticed. I think at every point, whether you are a stay-at-home-mom, work-at-home-mom, or working outside the home mom, you feel disrespected, unappreciated, and undervalued.

I spent the next few hours days digesting what was happening and trying not to “hulk out” with hatred and rage back at him.

I realized something.

He was feeling the exact same way.

He wants time with his son too. His hard work, sacrifice, and dedication to this family are going unnoticed. We are both working on our divorce instead of our marriage.

We are both focusing on OUR needs instead of one another’s.

The devil has officially taken over our household and we are letting him win. He loves seeing families suffer. He thrives on couples fighting and being destroyed. I am done letting that happen.

You are no longer welcome in our household, Lucifer. The King household is going to be filled with unconditional love and this marriage WILL NOT FAIL.

This “for worse” stage of life has got to end. We both must continue to work on our marriage and not our divorce. The more unconditional love we receive the more we are capable of giving.

I really dug deep into what unconditional love meant and focused on what my husband provided for our family (paycheck, health insurance, protection, working multiple jobs, and so much more). We both made a conscious effort to communicate better, learn each other’s love language, and give ourselves some grace. This series of sermons about staying in love really helped me to refocus on what was important and how I wanted my marriage to be defined now that we have a child. Whether you believe in God or not, I encourage you to listen to this four-part series since his main focus is on building a strong marriage by choosing to stay in love.

We are far from perfect and it’s a daily struggle to not kill one another, but we are refusing to give up.

I encourage everyone to take a step back and think about why you married this person. Go listen to your wedding song. Why did you choose that song? Really listen to the words and meaning behind it. How is your marriage going to succeed now, after having kids? What conscious effort are you going to make daily to get through this stage of “or for worse”?

I know this stage won’t last forever, but dang it’s hard. So, ladies, go pour yourself some wine, throw on some sweatpants, and give yourself some grace. We can totally survive this “or for worse” season together.