As we sat in the doctor’s office, the nurse peered over her laptop waiting on an answer…
Is he walking yet?
Whether it was truly there or not, I could feel a judgmental tension when I said “no.” Was I doing something wrong? Had I failed in some capacity? Why was he not walking?
I constantly see parents posting videos of their 9 month and 10 month old babies walking. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a slight pang of jealousy. As parents, we want our kids to be the “best.” So, what happens when we realize we are raising an average kid? It is in our nature to constantly compare our child to his or her peers which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and even failure.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Of course I feel like my son is extraordinary. However, I have had to learn to realize that “average” isn’t a dirty word. Almost every doctor appointment has come with anxiety during the milestone interrogation portion. At our last appointment, we were asked if he points and names body parts yet. I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh… I am a terrible mother… I haven’t even been working on this with him!” The nurse was of course trying to convince me that the questions were just based on averages and that it was okay if he wasn’t an anatomy pro yet. But you can bet as soon as we left the office I said, “Where is your nose?” and he promptly pointed to both ears. So maybe my child was a late walker. Maybe he doesn’t know all of his body parts. Maybe your 3-year-old isn’t potty trained. Maybe your baby hasn’t rolled over yet. So what? Babies, like adults, are all different!
I loved this quote from a Parenting.com article:
“Milestones are often a source of stress for new moms, particularly if they focus too much on checking off items on a development chart rather than simply enjoying the glorious journey of their child’s growth.”
I began to think, how much time have I wasted stressing over the milestone chart when I could be enjoying the present moment and stage that my son is in? There is such a big variation of “normal.” The truth is, if your baby is making progress, is healthy and happy, then soak it up, Mama!
Great articles and resources regarding milestones:
Parents.com: Why Isn’t My Child Reaching His Milestones?
The Truth about Developmental Milestones
My boys walked later, too… My kids are also late teethers. And #3’s speech is just now exploding from phrases into sentences at 3. It’s all good.
My son started teething a bit late too… then they all came at once! Which was horrible!
While I agree that mamas shouldn’t stress over milestones, I also think it’s inportant to be aware of your child isn’t meeting milestones. My oldest was late to sit up (8 months), late to crawl (10/11 months), slightly late to walk (14 months), late to speak in phrases/sentences (3yrs). The older he got the later things happened. Then the strange behaviors started (spinning, flapping, twirling his fingers about in his own face, failure to participate in pretend play, etc, etc). At 5 he started going to OT because the doctors wanted to see if that would “fix” the odd behaviors. I knew in my heart that while it may help, it would not fix the behaviors. He was diagnosed with very high functioning autism at 6. Academically he’s doing great. He’s immature (about 2 yrs behind) socially and emotionally. Therapy was so helpful that most people don’t even realize he has autism and I’m thankful that he had the intervention as early as we did, though if we had paid closer attention he could have had it sooner. Looking back on all of his milestones, I think the signs were always there…
Amanda- thanks so much for your perspective!
I’m in complete agreement with you. It is because we DID pay attention to milestones that we became aware of a problem. I was consistently answering “no” to the questions. Doctors and nurses ask those questions for a reason. They aren’t just talking to hear their own voice. One or two negative answers shouldn’t alarm a momma, but if it becomes a trend…this should NOT be ignored. My son has sensory processing disorder and is about to start occupational and speech therapy. Imagine if I had blown off those averages.
Agreed, the pressure to measure up in a social media world is immense. A key point though, most kids excel at one thing and a little slow in others. Focus on what they do well. Mine excels at flirting.
I like Amanda’s point. The milestones are a tool to use by pediatricians to diagnose children when the little one can’t tell you what’s happening. In my child, the dr used a delay in physical milestones and general laziness with lack of interest in food to identify a serious iron deficiency. Two weeks of supplements and he was all caught up.
So think of milestones as a stethoscope or a blood pressure cuff-a tool for parents to help Drs identify issues in a 15 min appointment. Don’t be afraid to speak up. The sooner, the better. An undiagnosed iron deficiency can result in serious developmental delays , if undiagnosed and untreated.
And as a first time Mom, it was helpful for me to have because I totally didn’t know he was supposed to start pulling up. We went home, I showed him and sure enough, he could! Woops…
Just don’t be so hard on yourself moms!
Meagan- we are in the same boat with the flirting 🙂
Your last point about not being so hard on ourselves is exactly what I was getting at. You definitely have to listen to your gut if you feel like something may be wrong- and milestone charts can be a great barometer for that! I just want moms to know that they shouldn’t feel inferior if they don’t have a 10 month old who is speaking in complete sentences (a child at my son’s daycare was literally doing that…). Thanks for reading! 🙂