Miscarriage and Uncertainty

In April my husband and I unexpectedly found out we were pregnant with baby number three. I’ve always said I wanted two sets of kids close in age with a little gap in-between. My husband has been holding firm to the number three for quite sometime. Somewhere shortly after our second child we both rested firmly in that our number would in fact be three. But, when I looked at those two little pink lines, all I felt was an overwhelming sense of anxiety. Three children! And now? I just got my body mostly back from baby number two. I just started a business. I was beginning to taste the freedom of having kids who could walk on their own, sleep through the night and entertain themselves. Was I really ready to do it all over again?

A little over a month later, nature answered those questions for me. I was having a miscarriage. I had hints early on that things weren’t quite right. An ultrasound showed that I was 5 weeks when I was for sure I should have been 7. Everyone tried to convince me that I just had my dates mixed up, but I knew then.

Miscarriage can be such a different process for everyone. Mine ended up being quite a long process. It took over a week for the doctors to determine that it was in fact a miscarriage. People didn’t know what to say to me. Most acted like it was a terribly sad and emotional ordeal, some acted like it was an everyday no big deal kind of thing. None of those reactions were what I was feeling. I felt relief. I felt annoyed. I felt uncertain.

I felt like I should be in tears. The nurse practitioner was more emotional than I was about it. While I was sad that a life had been lost, I also had an overwhelming sense that this was how it should be. I just wanted it to be over with. I wanted to move on.

Around my firstborn’s first birthday I had what doctors refer to as a chemical pregnancy. Basically, if I had not been avidly tracking my cycle and taken a pregnancy test mere days after I missed my period, I would have never known I was pregnant. I had only known I was pregnant for a few days but I was devastated when I began my period.

I had wanted to be pregnant so badly. I knew exactly the spacing I wanted between child one and two. Why was this happening? What did it mean? It had been so easy the first time! I totally freaked out. I read every article and book I could get my hands on. I joined a forum. Yes! A forum. I emailed back and forth with others who had difficulties getting pregnant. I changed my diet. I tried acupuncture. I did anything and everything I could because I wanted a baby and I wanted it right away!

About 6 months later, I was pregnant again. I had a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and delivery. He is an angel baby. The easiest, happiest kid I’ve ever met. He gets along perfectly with my first born and I could not imagine the ages spaced out in any other way.

If anything has changed since that first miscarriage (and yes, I call it miscarriage even though that’s not the technical term) it’s that I’m more solid in the fact that God has this all under control. These miraculous little beings do not come into this world without His hand and His timing.

I’m not sure what is in store for us next. We typically have a plan in life and right now we are on a foggy path. I do know that we will pray on it and trust that God has a plan for us. If you had recently suffered a miscarriage, please know that you are not alone out there. That what you are feeling…whatever that might be…is completely fine. If you are a friend of someone who is miscarrying I want to encourage you to just listen. Don’t project what you think they ought to be feeling. Just be there. Be an ear. Follow their lead.