KMB After Dark Series: Let’s Talk About Sex (Before and After Babies)

Disclaimer: the following post is written by a KMB team member about her personal experience with sex, sex and marriage, how sex changes after kids, and other topics as they relate to sex. The views and opinions in this post are purely and entirely the author’s and neither KMB nor the author claim to be an expert on the subject matter.

Once upon a time there was a man and a woman. They couldn’t keep their hands off of each other throughout their engagement. Since they had saved themselves for marriage, it was like living in the Garden of Eden when they were together, trying to avoid the forbidden fruit. The day came when they could finally have each other and become one. No more forbidden fruit. The bedroom (and other rooms) became a science lab and a playground (are you blushing?). Either way, it was hot and steamy and romantic and fun. The theme song and lyrics for these newlyweds was Tim McGraw and Faith Hill’s “Let’s Make Love All Night Long.”

As time went on, sex was still a very frequent thing in their marriage, despite work and school responsibilities. They had hit their groove as newlyweds and enjoyed this new aspect of their relationship. A lot of times the preparations leading up to having intercourse were just as important, especially for the girl. She had gotten perhaps a dozen pieces of lingerie leading up to her wedding, and she enjoyed picking out something special to set the mood. There were also candles and music. Responsibilities could wait. They had all the time in the world.

This beautiful act of the sacred marriage eventually allowed them to conceive. A baby changed everything, especially their sex lives. There was an intruder in their bed…literally. He was a cute intruder, though, so it was okay…for a while.

The woman was torn between two men at times. They were both wanting her body but in different ways. One wanted pleasure, the other nutrition. This woman’s body was trying to please both, but it was a challenge. There were days where it was a lot to ask to switch from mom to wife, especially when the woman felt anything but sexy.

Exhaustion was at the top of the list, as to why physical relations didn’t happen as frequently. To muster up the energy to give herself up to her man was almost too much to ask. Also, the baby was draining, especially in the newborn stage when she was waking up throughout the night for feedings or to console. At times she felt like a walk-on to the AMC show, The Walking Dead. Zombies are not much fun in the bed.

As the baby got older, there were other things to think about. Sex couldn’t always be spontaneous. Foreplay had to hurry up. Time was of the essence. That baby eventually walked and talked, and so there was always the possibility of him waking up during a nap or at night and heading to mommy and daddy’s bedroom. Sex became somewhat rushed and stressful. Instead of music setting the mood, it became a way to drown out any pleasurable sounds.

They were blessed with more children, and those children grow each day. Challenges to the physical aspect of this couple’s relationship still loom, but it does get better. It requires a bit of planning and creativity. This woman once thought that sex always happened at dark, but she has learned that it can happen on lunch breaks too.

The bottom line is this: just like there are seasons of life with littles, there will be seasons to sex lives. Don’t shelf sex or put it on the back burner, though. It is as important after having children as it was in the beginning of your marriage. It is a way to connect that is beautiful and satisfying and says to your spouse, “I still love you. You came first.”