KMB After Dark Series: Sex Isn’t a Scary Word

Disclaimer: the following post is written by a KMB team member about her personal experience with sex, sex and marriage, how sex changes after kids, and other topics as they relate to sex. The views and opinions in this post are purely and entirely the author’s and neither KMB nor the author claim to be an expert on the subject matter.

Sex. A word that is likely to induce a fervor of excitement, or more likely, create an overwhelming panic to yell “DON’T TALK ABOUT IT.” In a culture enveloped in sexual icons, images, and music, we still manage to turn a blind eye to one of the most important and relevant topics in our day-to-day life. We ignore and repudiate the subject of sex, we cause an uproar over mothers that breastfeed in public, and pull out the pitchforks when sex education is lectured in the classrooms of middle schools across the nation.

When is it OK to talk about sex? Behind our closed bedroom doors or in a tipsy stupor reminiscing with old girlfriends? And even then, it’s probably lightly treaded on or danced right over, in an attempt to make light of very intimate moments.

When’s the last time you asked your spouse if he or she wanted to have sex? By all accounts, we usually feel too ashamed or scared to say the words out loud so instead we imply them with the touch of a hand, a husband’s favorite sweetheart neckline, or a regular dinner and movie routine. Why is it so difficult to simply say, “Do you want to have sex?” Why do we struggle to be candid and transparent with our children about a completely natural process in life? Why is the word and subject of sex so incredibly taboo? It’s considered in poor taste or inappropriate to discuss sex so frankly so we refrain from doing so, when in fact, it should be talked about, brought out into the open, given the time of day because it’s one of the most significant aspects of our life.

Sex isn’t a scary word. It shouldn’t be made out to be. It’s as natural a process as childbirth; it’s how we procreate, bring miracles to life, share affection with our spouse, create a sense of intimacy and vulnerability, and ultimately share a part of ourselves with the person we trust the most. Sex is an exceptional gift that we mustn’t squander or pretend as though it doesn’t exist.

Now let’s put that sentiment with some logic. States with abstinence only education have the highest rates of teenage pregnancies and STDs. Sex is inevitable so why do we try to delay the inevitable? Instead, let’s impart out sexual experiences and wisdom on our children so that they can try to make better (or similar, depending on the case) choices as we did. Let’s explain that sex is a natural, healthy part of life. Let’s share our fears and our encouragements with our children and counsel them to speak openly on the topic of sex so that at least, even if we don’t have control, we know what’s going on in their lives. Let’s teach them that sex isn’t a scary word.

I was very lucky to have parents who were upfront and honest about sex and trusted me enough to make sensible choices. I had no preconceived notion that I was likely to end up staying a virgin until marriage (nor for my own personal preference did I wish to) so my only intention was to love and be in love with the first person I had sex with. And in doing so, I waited nine months into my very first serious relationship at the age of 19, and as luck would have it, ended up marrying him. Truth be told, I cannot wait to have that conversation with my children someday. And while I hope, as any parent would, that my children don’t have sex at the age of 13 or 14, which seems to be more and more common these days, I know that the sooner I have an open dialogue with them, the more influence and wisdom I can impart.

Previous posts in the KMB After Dark series:

• Let’s Talk About Sex (Before and After Babies)
• Worth the Wait
• When the Past Pursues Us: How Premarital Sex Stalked Me Into Marriage
• Talk {Sexy} to Me
• Sex and Parenthood: Keeping It Playful